Wednesday, January 17, 2007

To sleep, perchance to dream

Today is the festival of Felicitas, the goddess of good luck. It's also my brother's birthday and the day after my grandfather's birthday. This explains a lot.

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I had the weirdest dreams last night. I didn't sleep well- the room was stuffy and overheated, and I'm used to a slightly more comfortable bed. I'll get over it. But the dreams were really weird.

I was in Italy again, or rather, in the dream I was dreaming I was in Italy- I knew it was a dream, but at the same time I was exploring like it was real, and I marveled that I was having a dream that enabled me to explore new parts of the country despite never having been there myself- it didn't occur to me that I was making it all up. I kept getting lost, and I was trying to find my way back to St. Mark's (so I guess I was in Venice) but at the same time, I didn't really care that I was lost and I was happy to wander about aimlessly looking for the cathedral. This was weird because even if I don't have limits on my time I always freak out when I get lost. And yet, I was perfectly calm about the whole thing.

Then I was back working at the old daycare, the one that I went to for kindergarten and after-school care and then worked at myself when I was older. I was serving juice to the kids and then someone told me that there was going to be a reunion, of sorts, with the kids who were in the after-school care. I continued to serve juice, and coffee, to the people who came in, including the funny man that used to supervise us until his wife made him get a real job, and also the guy I had a crush on for seven years who turned into a jerk when he became the star of the swim team, and the guy I thought was a jerk for eleven years who turned into a nice guy when he learned that having two X chromosomes doesn't mean you have half as many synapses firing. This was weird because the daycare is a recurring theme in my dreams- working at it, at least. But I usually don't dream about being a kid there myself, or visiting as a former student- just as an employee.

I don't know what the first dream means- if I never have it again, probably nothing. The second dream, though, I can see where it's coming from. Yesterday I was talking to Mimi about that study at Mclean Hospital and how it made me think of my degenerate youth. She said that I should think about how that kind of childhood affected who I am today, if it did at all. I was trying to think of how my early life of crime and violence shaped me, but I wasn't certain of anything. I think dreaming of two people who I thought of one way when I was younger and then very differently when I grew up is my brain's way of gently reminding me that I'm not the same person I was back then.

Or maybe we need a fan in this room at night.

1 comment:

Amishav said...

Well at least you aren't dreaming of your former life- could be worse.