To sleep, perchance to dream

Today is the festival of Felicitas, the goddess of good luck. It's also my brother's birthday and the day after my grandfather's birthday. This explains a lot.

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I had the weirdest dreams last night. I didn't sleep well- the room was stuffy and overheated, and I'm used to a slightly more comfortable bed. I'll get over it. But the dreams were really weird.

I was in Italy again, or rather, in the dream I was dreaming I was in Italy- I knew it was a dream, but at the same time I was exploring like it was real, and I marveled that I was having a dream that enabled me to explore new parts of the country despite never having been there myself- it didn't occur to me that I was making it all up. I kept getting lost, and I was trying to find my way back to St. Mark's (so I guess I was in Venice) but at the same time, I didn't really care that I was lost and I was happy to wander about aimlessly looking for the cathedral. This was weird because even if I don't have limits on my time I always freak out when I get lost. And yet, I was perfectly calm about the whole thing.

Then I was back working at the old daycare, the one that I went to for kindergarten and after-school care and then worked at myself when I was older. I was serving juice to the kids and then someone told me that there was going to be a reunion, of sorts, with the kids who were in the after-school care. I continued to serve juice, and coffee, to the people who came in, including the funny man that used to supervise us until his wife made him get a real job, and also the guy I had a crush on for seven years who turned into a jerk when he became the star of the swim team, and the guy I thought was a jerk for eleven years who turned into a nice guy when he learned that having two X chromosomes doesn't mean you have half as many synapses firing. This was weird because the daycare is a recurring theme in my dreams- working at it, at least. But I usually don't dream about being a kid there myself, or visiting as a former student- just as an employee.

I don't know what the first dream means- if I never have it again, probably nothing. The second dream, though, I can see where it's coming from. Yesterday I was talking to Mimi about that study at Mclean Hospital and how it made me think of my degenerate youth. She said that I should think about how that kind of childhood affected who I am today, if it did at all. I was trying to think of how my early life of crime and violence shaped me, but I wasn't certain of anything. I think dreaming of two people who I thought of one way when I was younger and then very differently when I grew up is my brain's way of gently reminding me that I'm not the same person I was back then.

Or maybe we need a fan in this room at night.