On the plus side, I finally did my laundry after two and a half weeks....

I think I'm depressed.

I'm retreating into myself, constantly berating myself over my appearance, my actions, or my intelligence. I am struggling in Orgo, which isn't helping. I need to memorize chemical equations but I got behind and now I need to catch up. I got a 28% on the last quiz.

Of course it didn't help that I was a real idiot last weekend. See, Thursday was Valentine's Day, and I agreed to spend Thursday night with Ryter so we could have a really good Valentine's Day. I decided I really didn't want to lie to my professor and take a make up quiz, so instead, I studied for an hour before, went in for the quiz, and then went back to Ryter's. So I didn't get enough studying in and as a result, spectacular fail. It was dumb and I knew it was dumb and I did it anyway because I wanted to spend time with Ryter, and while I enjoyed that time, it was still a bad decision.

And I wound up staying there the whole weekend, because I had originally intended to go back Saturday night and study Sunday like usual, but Ryter's dad invited us out to sushi, and turning that down would be sacrilege. In retrospect I should have gone back Saturday and had him pick me up to go for sushi but my judgment seems to be impaired. Luckily I don't think that was too bad a problem.

The trouble is that I want to seek out my friends, who I feel like I haven't seen much of, and hang out with them; I want to go do things and hopefully have that help pull me out of my funk. But I'm so withdrawn right now that I don't do anything unless someone asks me; I can't seek people out or plan things on my own. Ryter invites me to come see him all the time; sometimes Cellamica invites me to dinner or Libentra asks me to grab lunch with her. But I really want to spend time with Vivacia, and with Mack, who's at UNH now (he finally transferred, and even got on-campus housing), and Closer, too. I want to be out there and doing things with them, because I feel like I'm losing or have lost them and I really don't want that, especially not with Vivacia. I bought her a little potted rose bush for Valentine's Day and left it at her door (she was out), but I think it might have upset her, because I forgot to leave a name (dumb) and she was concerned it was a creepy stalker or something, and then had to explain to her residents that no, she did not have a secret admirer who was going to make Closer jealous.

And I can't even reach out to her, or to anyone really, so I'm just kind of hoping she'll call me or IM me or something. I hate this state I get into. I'm perfectly amicable and normal when I'm with people (except Ryter, he's been getting dumped on a bit more than is fair lately), it's not like I'm being emo all the time, but at the same time, I can't seek it out, it has to come to me, and as a result I spend most of my time daydreaming and staring off into space or quietly sitting here and thinking about how stupid and useless I am.

Meanwhile my joints are hurting constantly, especially my bad knee, and I joined a gym which is showing me just how terribly out of shape I am plus isn't helping with the joint pain (it's not serious pain and I know when to stop, so it's not like I'm going to hurt myself).

I'm not at the level, yet, of needing medication again because I can still pay attention in class (even if I don't study enough) and I'm not doing anything that will really hurt me; I'm trying extra hard to take care of myself, in fact, because I'm hoping that if I get healthier I'll have a little more energy and get out of this. But still, it's kind of sucky. I need to push past it, but I feel like I'm Sisyphus right now.

Wish me well...

Not this shit again.

I managed to skip Biostats today. Not intentionally. We were dismissed from Organic and, instead of sitting there and waiting for my professor to come in, I just... left. I spaced. I honestly thought it was time for me to go. I forgot a whole hour of my day.

But oh well. I can catch up later. I'm stressed, is all.

---------------------------------------------

I'm at home right now, which will help. I talked to my mom about Thanksgiving with Ryter-- she said she's okay with it, but I haven't talked to my dad yet. That will not go as well...

Honestly? I'd rather we just did separate Thanksgivings this year. I think he said they do a deli platter. For Thanksgiving. My mom does a big-ass turkey and a whole mess of side dishes and she's a fabulous cook. She suggested we do the dinner Friday, if Shrewd could get Friday off work, but if Shrewd's at Crate and Barrel she'll need to do day-after-Thanksgiving sales. Moving it would be so unbeleivably perfect... but unlikely. So I may be skipping my mom's amazing Thanksgiving cooking for Ryter. I hope that kid knows how much I love him.

---------------------------------------------

I played my Marvel Heroes monopoly game tonight with my mom and dad. I lost, spectacularly. Mummy won, and she was talking to Shrewd on the phone for the first 20 minutes or so. It didn't help that Daddy had the TV going for background noise, which makes it impossible for me to concentrate. But it's a cute game, and a lot of fun. Park Place was Magneto, Boardwalk was Professor X, in case you're curious.

---------------------------------------------

So I was sitting here writing this at midnight, and now I'm crying. Why am I crying? Hell if I know. I'm just crying. And I can't see the screen very well.

okay, so maybe I do know. Maybe I'm crying because I'm so stressed I accidentally skipped a class. Maybe it's because I just finished my third test in less than a week this morning. Maybe it's because I spent 15 minutes of that test on one problem only to realize that duh, 1200 divided by 300 is 4, not 400. Maybe it's because I can't stick to a diet and every time I look down I am reminded of how fat I am. Maybe it's the fact that he, completely innocently, made me feel incredibly embarrassed and ashamed of the one feature of my body that I have always felt really, really self-conscious about and wanted him to approve of. Maybe it's because I have a Orgo quiz Monday and a test in two weeks. Maybe it has something to do with all my Daphnia dying and my turning in a crappy report on them. Maybe it's the fact that my boyfriend has told me that all the not-quite-sex stuff that we do together does pretty much nothing for him, and basically told me to lay off anything more than kissing until I'm ready for sex (not that he's saying that needs to be soon). Maybe it's the fact that this is the first time I've been home for longer than an hour since I went to school, and I can only spend the night, and no one's going to be home tomorrow anyway since it's Thursday and they have to work, and by the time they get home I'll have to go back to Durham so I can be around to spend tomorrow hiking with Ryter, and spend the night before him sleeping in his god-awful uncomfortable bed and not touching him, then go spend Saturday being smiley and happy for his family, and Sunday doing homework. Maybe it has something to do with not being ALONE since... god. I can't remember. I can't remember being alone. And I'm increasingly retreating into my fantasy worlds to the point where reality seems surreal, and I can't fix that problem because I have maybe five friends and they're all so busy with jobs or extracurriculars (you know, lives) that I can't spend time with them instead and have THEM pull me out of this world I've retreated into. And I feel like I can't tell Ryter because he's stressed out already and his problems are worse than mine, and besides, he's the reason for some of mine and that will make him feel worse and when he feels guilty it makes me feel bad for making him feel guilty and ultimately, even if it was his fault, I wind up suffering emotionally more than him.

I'm so sick of crying. The way I stop crying is to retreat into a fantasy, where I'm pretty and healthy and supreme dictator of earth. But when I retreat into fantasy it's worse when I have to return to the real world. So I have to decide if the temporary relief is worth it.

I went on a trip!

Fourth day of the Ludi Romani.

----------------------------------

Don't expect many Friday or Saturday entries in this blog this year; I went over to Ryter's on Friday night, and we made dinner together-- well, he did most of the work, I just cut up some veggies and chicken and stuck the rice in the rice cooker. He did the actual cooking-- a Japanese curry that was really good. Then we had ice cream sundaes, because the weather was in the nineties with ridiculous humidity. There was a slight disagreement as to whether they were "sprinkles" or "jimmies" but all was resolved.

We've decided to make this a weekly event-- we'll cook together, and make something neither of us has had before. Note to self-- no gazpacho.

Anyway, Saturday we went to Salem, Mass to see the Peabody Essex Museum, which was very cool. I've never been before, but it's a favorite of Ryter's. It was pretty cool-- lots of maritime art, especially figureheads from ships, but also a large collection of Asian and Native American art. One thing that I noticed was that in a display, there was a woman's shoe from the 1700s, clearly worn, and I thought to myself, I wonder what the woman who wore this shoe would have said had she heard that 250 years later, it would be on display in a museum for people to look at and marvel at how ridiculously small her feet must have been?

There was also a carved ivory tusk that impressed the hell out of me, it was so finely detailed with little people and animals (and made long enough ago that the ivory part doesn't bother me); and a wooden Indian altar that was just amazing. If you're ever in the area and get sick of the kitschy witch stuff, see the museum. No, see it regardless, it's way better than the witch museums.

Speaking of kitschy witch stuff, we walked around a little after we finished at the museums. We went to a couple wannabe-witch stores, the kinds with silver pentagrams and incense and crystal pendulums where you can get a palm reading in the back room. Ryter wanted to get his fortune told but it's Salem, witch central, so you know they charged ridiculous fees. We settled for looking around and getting a smoothie (me) and a celery-apple-carrot-whatever juice (Ryter) at a place that advertised "We have wheat grass!" and had fliers for various "spiritual mediums" and a "school of conjuration."

Then we wandered back to the car, and as we went we looked around; we passed through the Old Burying Point Cemetery, as I wanted to look at the gravestones, but then we realized that thanks to the placement of the paths we were walking on graves themselves and left post-haste. There's something inherently disrespectful about walking over a grave, even if the grave is so old that the remains are surely nothing but bones and even the headstone is crumbling and unreadable. Of course, nothing can top the disrespect that I saw when my high school English class went to Salem and were told to eat our lunches in the cemetery; bad enough that most of my classmates picnicked on the grass between the headstones (I forced my friends to eat on the edge of it, by a tree, so we weren't as blatantly disrespectful), but the chaperones perched on one of the above-ground tombs and used it as a picnic table.

Now, I don't think there's that much significance to a body after death but honestly. You do not use a tomb as a picnic table. Somebody put their loved one in there. That still irks me.

We headed back to Durham after that since Shrewd was bringing up various things I had forgotten (bathrobe, shower sandals, phone charger, etc-- all important things) and anyway, it was really, really hot and we were tired.

Fun times, though. Even though Salem is so very kitschy, the museum is nice and honestly, I like laughing at kitschy and spending no money on it.

----------------------------------

Cellamica was gone for the weekend so I had the room to myself for the day, which I spent doing my mountains of homework. Very boring. Got it all done though, which is all that matters.

In Which I Apologize For The Lack Of Posts

My my, do I have some catching up to do. I'm sorry, late nights and much homework have distracted me from the blog...

Thursday was primarily devoted to homework; I didn't get as much Chem studying in as I might have liked but I finished my project, and then needed to practice it. Alas, I was at a loss as to who would want to sit through a 10 minute presentation on the gods that were unique to the Roman pantheon (as opposed to those borrowed wholy from other regions). I complained along these lines to Ryter via AIM and he immediately invited me over to practice it in front of himself and Loquelo, who was visiting. After much reassurance that it was okay (I am a nervous sort and hate being a burden) I consented in exchange for buying them a pizza. I thought it a fair trade.

One half-sausage-half-mushrooms-and-black-olive pizza and a lot of procrastination later, I gave my lovely speech, and was informed that while it was engaging, it was 25 minutes long. Factoring in the amount of time we got distracted it was probably about 23 minutes. So I knew I had to cut it down to a more manageable size, anyway. But I got back late because of this and still had studying for the Chem test the next day, so I was unable to write.

-----------------------------------------------

The Chem test went surprisingly well, considering that I spent maybe a half hour preparing for it. I didn't remember everything but I think I got a decent amount correct, at least. We'll see.

As for that Latin presentation, I think it went well. Forgot nothing, paused seldom, only took fifteen minutes all told and I think I did well.

-----------------------------------------------

After Latin I walked over to Ryter's apartment (it's a short walk from Murkland Hall) and helped him get ready for the party. This was basically washing dishes and sweeping the floor. I was a little worried that I would seem pushy or something, or like I was calling him a slob (Which would go somewhat like this: "Hi, kettle. My, you're looking black today"). But we got the place ready, then bought party supplies (the alcohol, though, he bought earlier) and then hung out until the first gues arrived, a very close friend of Ryter's named Inconcinnus, or at least, named that here because it would kinda suck if you had a parent who named you after the Latin for "awkward, inelegant, and absurd." The reason for this naming will become patently obvious.

Ryter showed Inconcinnus his sword upstairs (REAL sword. It's a katana. Though when you're downstairs and they're up there saying "Oh, cool, can I hold it?" and "That's so cool, I need to show you mine someday" giggles are induced. Ryter apologized for abandoning me at one point, so I pointed out that I was getting a good laugh out of it. Living up to his name, Inconcinnus [and Ryter] promptly started making the lewdest sword-related innuendos they could conceive), and then Inconcinnus discovered the foam sword Ryter bought when he visited me in Londonderry, and it was decided that the party would be unable to progress unless I fetched my sword from my dorm. I took Ryter's SUV, fetched the sword and also some bubbles, and returned, and I only drove the damn over sized thing over a curb once.

Oops.

When I got there, the company had increased by two, both guys (or maybe not, I'm a little fuzzy on who arrived when), and there was a sword fight on the deck, then Inconcinnus discovered the bubbles and started to blow them, and continued through the arrival of two more (one girl, one guy), even blowing them down from the opening between the loft and the kitchen so they would fall down into the kitchen without an obvious source...

They played a video game, Soul Caliber for a few rounds, then put on a bad kung-fu movie to comment on. The girl left after only 45 minutes, pleading homework, and a while after Loquelo showed up with a female friend, and then the awkwardness began... Put Loquelo and Ryter in a room and the sketch factor raises precipitously. Inconcinnus could stand in a room all by himself and the sketch factor would be raised. Three of them together... yeah.

But it was fun. There wasn't that much drinking, really-- only about three people seriously drank and no one was really impaired. The majority of us steered clear of the alcohol. The biggest the party ever was was ten people, enough to please Ryter (who had been worried that no one would show besides like, me, and maybe one other person), but not so much that I started to get nervous, which happens at around fifteen. And yes, I go through my classes in a constantly nervous state. Plus everyone had fun and it was in general a rousing success, and I survived Never Have I Ever without making it uncomfortable (I've gotten much, much better at that, but in my heyday I could have topped Ryter, Loquelo, and Inconcinnus combined), and I carefully seem to have forgotten everything awkward Ryter may have admitted that I didn't already know, which is convenient.

Alas, it was 2:30 when I got back last night, I started to write this blog entry then gave up and went to bed.

-----------------------------------------------

Today I woke up late, went to see Spiderman 3 with Ryter (and went to a Fresh City for dinner, there's one here! This is exciting), and then we went back to his place and had a quiet, low-stress evening, which was nice. We watched the Count of Monte Cristo and then I mentioned that it was a kind of sandwich and I think I have instilled in Ryter a serious desire to eat one. I have no problem with this... Sans the ham, Monte Cristos sound pretty good.

-----------------------------------------------

2:03. Shit. Well, I'll sleep in late tomorrow.

Damn. I forgot to eat dinner.

Okay, so I FINALLY have time to actually sort of write something, for a change.

I have crazy homework this week. Most people were dumped with exams and what not the week BEFORE vacation, when midterms were going on, but no, my professors waited until after I was in post-break mode to dump me with two exams, both in science; an essay, a translation, a quiz for Chem and a presentation on kinorhynchs.

Plus I'm kinda really distracted, anyway. Schoolwork is in the farthest reaches of my mind right now, pushed aside for more important thoughts like how I have a boyfriend and he's very good at distracting me from important things like homework and driving on the correct side of the road (yes I made that mistake, shut up, there weren't any other cars on the road) and blog-writing and sleep.

And besides, I started this half of the semester with a wake. The wake was nice but Grammy greeted Shrewd and me with tears and that was disconcerting; then again, she's now the eldest sister, so I can't blame her. Shrewd is officially not allowed to die until I'm dead or senile. Since she won't want to see me die, either, I think this means that we'll have to be completely bonkers by the time we move on.

But there was a bit of a bright side. I met my second cousin again! I met her the first time at her grandfather's funeral, and then again at her grandmother's, so she's becoming a bit of a funeral buddy since we're the same age and we hang out together after we're done telling the old people about how we like our classes and we're doing quite well, thank you. She's still in high school (she stayed back), but she's fairly close to Durham so I've decided she needs to come visit me. Last time we promised to keep in touch we exchanged a couple of letters then gave up, but hey, we were ten. Now the wonders of the internet mean that I might actually keep my promises to stay in touch. Hopefully.

I Know a Lot About Blogging

I got 5/8 correct! I'm not a total blogging geek yet... give it time.

How Much Do You Know About Blogging?

"Hallelujah!"*

A week ago, I forgot to turn in my CPR assignment, which is just writing an essay for Chemistry on Chemistry-related topics. But I figured, okay, that part's lost, but there's a second part, where you analyze other people's submissions to mirror the peer-review . I can do that, and get some credit.

But no.

Turns out you can't move on past the text entry portion unless you enter text. But you can't enter text past the initial "text entry" stage. So basically I missed one deadline and I get no credit.

Oh well. It's only 5% of my grade, I think, and there will be three more this semester, so I lost 1.7% of my grade. Gasp. Oh no. How terrible.

------------------

I currently have some of the weirdest music in the universe in my iTunes Library. Wait, that's not true. It's not like, Vogon or something. But it is music from a concept album about the Biblical Flood, done in restructured folk songs set to heavy metal tunes. It is done in Latin, Arabic, Hebrew and English. There is a guy who growls. He may or may not be making words as he does.

I actually like some of it, with the minimal growling, which surprised me as I didn't think I'd like heavy metal Hebrew. I mean, not that I ever sat down and thought, "Hmm, I don't think like Hebrew folk songs growled out to heavy-metal rock music," but still, not the sort of thing that you think you'll enjoy when you listen to Jason Mraz and Trace Adkins.

In case you're wondering, Writer Guy sent it to me. I didn't seek it out. I'm not that weird. Apparently, though, he is. Which is kinda cool.

My Personality Is Like Acid

A bit wacky, I'm very difficult to predict. One moment I'm in my own little happy universe... And the next, I'm on a bad trip to my own personal hell!

What Drug Is Your Personality Like?

*Legit. That was my fortune today. How weird is that?