Apparently, we're not allowed to sing Christmas carols until December. Shucks.

So Thanksgiving is over.

The reason I didn't write anything over Thanksgiving was that I spent my time either with my family or sleeping. I finally caught up on sleep, which is good.

So, Thanksgiving Day. Ryter came over and we ate Thanksgiving at my place, with all the traditional dishes-- turkey, naturally, and gravy; mashed potatoes, squash, stuffing, cranberry sauce, green bean casserole, baby onions, mushroom barley soup, popovers, rolls, salad-- tons of food. My grandfather was there too, which was nice.

Once we finished we drove down to Ryter's grandmother's house for his family Thanksgiving. Tons of people, tons of food-- the turkey was wrapped in bacon, which was weird, but I didn't eat the skin and it was fine. Everyone was really nice, it was a lot of fun, and I got to help Ryter surprise two of his cousins when they were up on the third floor, doing something that involved one of them shirtless. Awkward.

His grandmother has an awesome house. There's a secret second staircase to the kitchen, and a secret room, and a second little kitchen on the third floor with a door onto a rooftop balcony.

Friday we all--save the brother-- went to see Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium, a very good movie, I recommend it. Great imagery, very fun. Saturday we returned to the movies for Enchanted, which was hilarious and I also recommend.

So that was my break; most of the rest of the time was spent sleeping. I have just two things to say:

1) I could've sworn Thanksgiving was supposed to be the last Thursday in November...

2) Four weeks left of class. *Sigh*

Trying to be both vague and specific at the same time is rather challenging.

It appears this business of bursting into tears pretty much every night that I am alone is going to become a habit.

I'm glad I spent the night at home, though honestly I wish I could have spent another night, or a whole weekend. I did get to get some apples and cider today, and see the ducks at the local apple orchard's duck pond. They used to advertise "FEED THE DUCKS!" and sell duck food, but I think some environmentalist got to them because now the sign says "PLEASE DON'T FEED THE DUCKS-- THEY NEED TO BE ABLE TO FLY!"

And I talked to my dad about Thanksgiving. He refuses to let it be moved to Friday but was okay with eating at 12 or 1 and letting me go to Ryter's family dinner afterwards. The only question is if my aunt can come up that early. My mom will talk to her.

And now I'm back at school, a little later than planned. I think this stress won't go away until I solve the problems that are causing it-- no amount of relaxation will help. I just wish I could say how successful I will be at that.

Not this shit again.

I managed to skip Biostats today. Not intentionally. We were dismissed from Organic and, instead of sitting there and waiting for my professor to come in, I just... left. I spaced. I honestly thought it was time for me to go. I forgot a whole hour of my day.

But oh well. I can catch up later. I'm stressed, is all.

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I'm at home right now, which will help. I talked to my mom about Thanksgiving with Ryter-- she said she's okay with it, but I haven't talked to my dad yet. That will not go as well...

Honestly? I'd rather we just did separate Thanksgivings this year. I think he said they do a deli platter. For Thanksgiving. My mom does a big-ass turkey and a whole mess of side dishes and she's a fabulous cook. She suggested we do the dinner Friday, if Shrewd could get Friday off work, but if Shrewd's at Crate and Barrel she'll need to do day-after-Thanksgiving sales. Moving it would be so unbeleivably perfect... but unlikely. So I may be skipping my mom's amazing Thanksgiving cooking for Ryter. I hope that kid knows how much I love him.

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I played my Marvel Heroes monopoly game tonight with my mom and dad. I lost, spectacularly. Mummy won, and she was talking to Shrewd on the phone for the first 20 minutes or so. It didn't help that Daddy had the TV going for background noise, which makes it impossible for me to concentrate. But it's a cute game, and a lot of fun. Park Place was Magneto, Boardwalk was Professor X, in case you're curious.

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So I was sitting here writing this at midnight, and now I'm crying. Why am I crying? Hell if I know. I'm just crying. And I can't see the screen very well.

okay, so maybe I do know. Maybe I'm crying because I'm so stressed I accidentally skipped a class. Maybe it's because I just finished my third test in less than a week this morning. Maybe it's because I spent 15 minutes of that test on one problem only to realize that duh, 1200 divided by 300 is 4, not 400. Maybe it's because I can't stick to a diet and every time I look down I am reminded of how fat I am. Maybe it's the fact that he, completely innocently, made me feel incredibly embarrassed and ashamed of the one feature of my body that I have always felt really, really self-conscious about and wanted him to approve of. Maybe it's because I have a Orgo quiz Monday and a test in two weeks. Maybe it has something to do with all my Daphnia dying and my turning in a crappy report on them. Maybe it's the fact that my boyfriend has told me that all the not-quite-sex stuff that we do together does pretty much nothing for him, and basically told me to lay off anything more than kissing until I'm ready for sex (not that he's saying that needs to be soon). Maybe it's the fact that this is the first time I've been home for longer than an hour since I went to school, and I can only spend the night, and no one's going to be home tomorrow anyway since it's Thursday and they have to work, and by the time they get home I'll have to go back to Durham so I can be around to spend tomorrow hiking with Ryter, and spend the night before him sleeping in his god-awful uncomfortable bed and not touching him, then go spend Saturday being smiley and happy for his family, and Sunday doing homework. Maybe it has something to do with not being ALONE since... god. I can't remember. I can't remember being alone. And I'm increasingly retreating into my fantasy worlds to the point where reality seems surreal, and I can't fix that problem because I have maybe five friends and they're all so busy with jobs or extracurriculars (you know, lives) that I can't spend time with them instead and have THEM pull me out of this world I've retreated into. And I feel like I can't tell Ryter because he's stressed out already and his problems are worse than mine, and besides, he's the reason for some of mine and that will make him feel worse and when he feels guilty it makes me feel bad for making him feel guilty and ultimately, even if it was his fault, I wind up suffering emotionally more than him.

I'm so sick of crying. The way I stop crying is to retreat into a fantasy, where I'm pretty and healthy and supreme dictator of earth. But when I retreat into fantasy it's worse when I have to return to the real world. So I have to decide if the temporary relief is worth it.

I got really PO'd at my RA too, but she may actually deserve it.

Good news. I got an 82% on my Biostats exam. Now to get through the Ecology one Wednesday. But I'm much better at retaining things from that class, at least.

I also took a Latin test today, but I'm not too worried. It was just a translation. I think I may have tripped up in some places but they were minor mistakes-- I got the gist of it, and we had to paraphrase too. Not a terrible worry. Except I forgot to record the homework for that class, so now I have to admit to my professor that I spaced...

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I'm depressed right now, and I don't know why. I've been crying a lot, over anything, and I'm moody. Plus it feels like everything people do bothers me. Not irritable-bothers, but just makes me feel sucky and upset. I noticed it with Ryter tonight, though I was suppressing it because he's in a lot of pain lately and he doesn't need to deal with me being moody and emo. Hopefully it will go away soon.

Honestly, I think it's a yearly thing. As much as I love fall, every year-- perhaps due to the return to academia-- I get depressed for a month or so. I actually think it might be a good sign for my own health that I'm getting upset at other people instead of myself, though. I mean, I'm upset with myself, especially in terms of my weight and academic difficulties, but I'm ALSO getting upset with others, when previously I would just take all that emotion and turn it in on myself.

This annoyance at those around me, while potentially a good thing, is also a bad thing in that I won't be very fun to be around for a while, and in that I have to talk to my parents about the Thanksgiving issue this weekend-- specifically that Ryter really, really wants me to spend Thanksgiving with his family, and my family has been increasing the importance of Thanksgiving since Shrewd and I went away to school. Which means that I will have to have my mom explain that we're a little young to be sharing holidays that both families celebrate (his doesn't celebrate Christmas, so that doesn't count), and more specifically, that this is "all well and good to date him but it's not like you're going to marry the guy" which is the one statement that drives me NUTS lately and I get it ALL THE TIME from family.

Basically, what they are saying is, they want me to treat this like a college fling, a starter boyfriend. Which I would NEVER do and I would discourage others from doing, because it is cruel and manipulative. If we don't wind up together forever, that's okay. If we do, that's okay too. I don't know. But if I did that, I sure as hell would know how it would end, and it wouldn't be fair if he didn't.

I'm still debating whether or not to talk to Ryter about the things that are bothering me. On the one hand, maybe they are legit complaints. On the other, maybe I'm making them up because I'm depressed and moody. On the third, creepily dismembered hand of some dead hobo I found, he's got a lot to deal with right now and probably doesn't need this too...

I did have a fortune, from the sushi place, but I forgot it

Well, Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. Few days late or not. I was going to post something Thursday, but honestly, there's not that much of interest to say about Thanksgiving. Much of the day was spent alternating between watching the Eureka marathon on the SciFi channel and setting the table, eating, clearing the table, and forcing the boys to help me clean so Mummy didn't have to do all the work after cooking.

Daddy spent most of the day watching football with Grandpa, an activity he only does with Grandpa. Because he's really not that into football, at least not watching other people play it. My dad's a bit of a geek. So whatever he might claim, I could totally see that he'd infinitely prefer to be watching science fiction with his daughter than football with his father. Oh well. He took a break in the afternoon to watch a few episodes of the marathon.

Poor Daddy. He's trying so hard.

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Meanwhile, on Wednesday night, The Shrewd One let me play The Sims 2 on her computer in exchange for internet access on mine. We had a bit off a party on the living room floor. I have determined this: I should not play the Sims 2, because I get too upset when I hit the wrong button and my Sim hugs the wrong Sim and her Sim-boyfriend is mad for like FOREVER and cries all the time like a computer-generated nancy-boy. I, of course, feel horribly upset despite the fact that they are slightly creepy looking people on a computer screen.

But she let me keep playing until I fixed the problem, and as of last night, when I last played, my Sims were engaged to be married. Nice. I think I need to get that game.

Quote: "I think I know how God feels." ~Me, when my sister turned off the Free Will option on the game and asked me if I preferred it that way

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Friday I was going to job-hunt, starting at like noon, then as soon as I finished eating, then as soon as I finished reading my book that I got distracted by, then as soon as I finished helping Mummy load the Christmas dishes into the hutch, then as soon as I could find someone to go with me, because I freak out in crowds and I really didn't want to go alone. But Grandpa can't walk very well and wouldn't want to go anyway, and Mummy was working- she's ALWAYS working- and The Shrewd One was entertaining Grandpa and Daddy wanted me to see who else was going.

And when I told Shrewd that I was asking her along because I was concerned about having a panic attack, she rolled her eyes at me, which made me feel fabulous.

I know, that sounds kinda selfish- I'm tearing them away from what they're doing to help me. But I really, really don't want to deal with day-after-Thanksgiving crowds at the malls without at least one familiar face around...

And in the end, I didn't even wind up going to the mall, I just went to one of the local strip malls and applied at TJ Maxx. I was gonna apply at Lindt but they weren't hiring any more. Saturday I checked a bunch of places but only wound up applying to Sears, Macy's, and JC Penney's. I wanted to apply to Old Navy but their computer thing was being weird, and the application for Bath and Body Works is sitting at home where it is absolutely useless...

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I didn't spend nearly enough time with my grandfather over Thanksgiving, because I've got a sore throat and random headaches, and I was concerned about transmitting them. Also because the sore throat meant I couldn't talk loud enough for him to hear me.

So... Saturday after job-hunting The Shrewd and I got sushi and then picked up Candida, a mutual friend whom both of us know from Girl Scouts ("Candida" means honest and straightforward, which she is, and it also means white, which she definitely is. Lots of Nordic heritage in that one). With her in tow we went to see Happy Feet, a cute movie with plenty of good music, which made up for it's totally illogical nature. Then on the way out, who did we run into but Mistake, Closer, and KT Mack, off to see the new Bond movie. Go figure.

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Today, pretty much all I did was laundry and the homework needed for my group lab report. We were really late getting off, first because I confused the times and thought my dorm wasn't opening until five, when in fact it was open much earlier- like one or so. So my dad couldn't take me to get here at five because he had to drop off The Shrewd and my grandfather in their respective Massachusetts locations and then drive to Connecticut for a week-long business thing. Then I was going to hitch a ride with Mistake's family but I had a lot of stuff, having done a lot of laundry, and I was concerned that they'd be leaving so early that I'd have to stash my junk in Mistake's room or something and haul it across campus later. So Mummy took me back here.

But in the end it was probably for the best, because I think it would have been a pain for Mistake's family to deal with all my junk anyway. Especially Ajax and Deiphobus, who came home with me.

Anyway, we were intending to leave at 4:00 to get here at five, but The Brother was late getting back, and then we were going to leave without him but he swore it would only be a half-hour and Mummy wanted to touch base with him. But it was not a half-hour. It was like an hour. We finally left, and then I realized a few minutes into the drive that I was missing something, and we turned around and went to get it- and then his girlfriend dropped him off at last.

Turns out they went for a walk. Without warning Mummy. Grr.

OH! But I know her! The girlfriend, that is. She was a sorta-friend of mine back in high school- I hung out with her before school. She knew Mistake through the band. She used to complain to me that my brother was annoying, like kicking the back of her seat on the band bus or drumming or sticking stuff in her hair. Guess that was flirting.

Boys are weird.

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And guess what?

I FOUND THE PHONE.

As in, that stupid goddamn cell phone that I got to replace the one I lost, and then I lost the new one, and in looking for the new one found the old one. Now, I have both the new one and the old one, which I've been using.

My reaction when I found it was something along the lines of: "Oh, you have GOT to be KIDDING me! I can't BELIEVE this! All this time in the goddamn SOFA cushions! You- I- it- ARGH! ARGHY ARGH ARGH!"

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Oh well. I have to go study or unpack or something....