I think I'm depressed.
I'm retreating into myself, constantly berating myself over my appearance, my actions, or my intelligence. I am struggling in Orgo, which isn't helping. I need to memorize chemical equations but I got behind and now I need to catch up. I got a 28% on the last quiz.
Of course it didn't help that I was a real idiot last weekend. See, Thursday was Valentine's Day, and I agreed to spend Thursday night with Ryter so we could have a really good Valentine's Day. I decided I really didn't want to lie to my professor and take a make up quiz, so instead, I studied for an hour before, went in for the quiz, and then went back to Ryter's. So I didn't get enough studying in and as a result, spectacular fail. It was dumb and I knew it was dumb and I did it anyway because I wanted to spend time with Ryter, and while I enjoyed that time, it was still a bad decision.
And I wound up staying there the whole weekend, because I had originally intended to go back Saturday night and study Sunday like usual, but Ryter's dad invited us out to sushi, and turning that down would be sacrilege. In retrospect I should have gone back Saturday and had him pick me up to go for sushi but my judgment seems to be impaired. Luckily I don't think that was too bad a problem.
The trouble is that I want to seek out my friends, who I feel like I haven't seen much of, and hang out with them; I want to go do things and hopefully have that help pull me out of my funk. But I'm so withdrawn right now that I don't do anything unless someone asks me; I can't seek people out or plan things on my own. Ryter invites me to come see him all the time; sometimes Cellamica invites me to dinner or Libentra asks me to grab lunch with her. But I really want to spend time with Vivacia, and with Mack, who's at UNH now (he finally transferred, and even got on-campus housing), and Closer, too. I want to be out there and doing things with them, because I feel like I'm losing or have lost them and I really don't want that, especially not with Vivacia. I bought her a little potted rose bush for Valentine's Day and left it at her door (she was out), but I think it might have upset her, because I forgot to leave a name (dumb) and she was concerned it was a creepy stalker or something, and then had to explain to her residents that no, she did not have a secret admirer who was going to make Closer jealous.
And I can't even reach out to her, or to anyone really, so I'm just kind of hoping she'll call me or IM me or something. I hate this state I get into. I'm perfectly amicable and normal when I'm with people (except Ryter, he's been getting dumped on a bit more than is fair lately), it's not like I'm being emo all the time, but at the same time, I can't seek it out, it has to come to me, and as a result I spend most of my time daydreaming and staring off into space or quietly sitting here and thinking about how stupid and useless I am.
Meanwhile my joints are hurting constantly, especially my bad knee, and I joined a gym which is showing me just how terribly out of shape I am plus isn't helping with the joint pain (it's not serious pain and I know when to stop, so it's not like I'm going to hurt myself).
I'm not at the level, yet, of needing medication again because I can still pay attention in class (even if I don't study enough) and I'm not doing anything that will really hurt me; I'm trying extra hard to take care of myself, in fact, because I'm hoping that if I get healthier I'll have a little more energy and get out of this. But still, it's kind of sucky. I need to push past it, but I feel like I'm Sisyphus right now.
Wish me well...
Showing posts with label emo. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emo. Show all posts
Monday, February 18, 2008
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Lack of Posts is Due to Plethora of Homework
So...
Bad news: I'm almost positive that I flunked my Biostats test yesterday. I got into the exam after studying ALL weekend and some last week too, and the first question required a regression formula and I completely blanked on it. Like, mind freeze. I knew I had known it the night before, I was just blanking. If that had been it I could have still done well on the rest, but then I proceeded to be completely unable to let it go-- my mind was racing through possible formulas it might be but drawing a blank and I started to freak out and the next thing I knew I was getting a panic attack. I managed to suppress it enough to do my best but my best under those conditions is probably not too fabulous... I think it was because I was stressed out about a lot of different things lately, so my breaking point was a bit closer than normal (More specifics later).
I'll talk to my therapist about it next time I go in (in two weeks, I was supposed to have a session yesterday but the day off screwed up the University schedule). Ryter suggested I get a note from Disability Services but I don't think there's much they can do to help one way or another, I mean, taking a class in another room will probably make it worse, and I don't need extra time. Too much hassle, not enough gain, and I honestly don't think my anxiety disorder counts as a real disability. Not at my level. And I don't think it will happen again.
The good news in all of that mess is I already talked to my professor and he said that he will drop my lowest test of the 4 so chances are it won't count. So that's sorted out.
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More good news: I also talked to my adviser today, and he said that I'm so far ahead in credits thanks to AP and all my honors classes last year that if I feel stressed with my current workload I might as well take only 3 classes next semester so I can focus on Calculus and Organic more. I'll still be ahead of where I need to be credit-wise (I'm like one credit shy of being a junior right now. Vivacia's still beating me, though, she's already a "junior"). I might take a seminar or something easy, too, but I thought I might do that to avoid a repeat of this semester. I don't think I could do this again, and I have the dreaded Calculus coming up.
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VERY good news: Talked to the dining office again. They said that they've had many students complain about that machine since I came in (I was just one of the first) and they're trying to get it fixed. The machine was putting other people's charges on my account if they went after me on the machine. They will sort out exactly what needs to be sorted out and will find a way to transfer the money back to us somehow. Good.
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I think I might be depressed. I mean, I think that's why I had a panic attack instead of just pushing by the problem. I'm having trouble focusing and trouble sleeping, and I feel lonely all the time unless I'm with Ryter or like, actually talking to Cellamica instead of just sitting in the same room as her. I crave someone to talk to all the time, but no one ever really wants to talk to me except Ryter, so I'm spending more time with him than I should. Vivacia's really busy, and injured, and possibly mad at me, so I can't really talk to her...
I'm kind of paranoid, too. Like I thought Ryter was mad at me over something little that was said the other day, and he had to reassure me that he wasn't; meanwhile I remain convinced that Vivacia's furious at me and just not telling me about it. I don't know, maybe she is, but it also could be that she's busy and hurt and having issues getting around. I can't tell, but my brain is defaulting on "mad at me." She did say more than ten words to me today via AIM so I was a little reassured that at least she's not like, ready to murder me if I come near her, but...
I feel disconnected, like I'm vibrating a little bit out of our plane of existence. The trouble is I know this will mean I will spend even more time with Ryter because he's the only one who ever has any free time or the patience to listen to me freak out. And then Mummy will be upset with me because she thinks we need to spend less time together... not to mention Vivacia, though I've pretty much flat-out told Ryter that if Vivacia has some free time, unless we either had tickets to something or were supposed to meet someone I'm going to cancel our plans and hang out with her. Perhaps because of the funk I'm in, perhaps because it's the truth, I've been feeling like a kind of crappy friend lately.
Then again, I've been feeling like a kind of crappy everything lately.
Bad news: I'm almost positive that I flunked my Biostats test yesterday. I got into the exam after studying ALL weekend and some last week too, and the first question required a regression formula and I completely blanked on it. Like, mind freeze. I knew I had known it the night before, I was just blanking. If that had been it I could have still done well on the rest, but then I proceeded to be completely unable to let it go-- my mind was racing through possible formulas it might be but drawing a blank and I started to freak out and the next thing I knew I was getting a panic attack. I managed to suppress it enough to do my best but my best under those conditions is probably not too fabulous... I think it was because I was stressed out about a lot of different things lately, so my breaking point was a bit closer than normal (More specifics later).
I'll talk to my therapist about it next time I go in (in two weeks, I was supposed to have a session yesterday but the day off screwed up the University schedule). Ryter suggested I get a note from Disability Services but I don't think there's much they can do to help one way or another, I mean, taking a class in another room will probably make it worse, and I don't need extra time. Too much hassle, not enough gain, and I honestly don't think my anxiety disorder counts as a real disability. Not at my level. And I don't think it will happen again.
The good news in all of that mess is I already talked to my professor and he said that he will drop my lowest test of the 4 so chances are it won't count. So that's sorted out.
More good news: I also talked to my adviser today, and he said that I'm so far ahead in credits thanks to AP and all my honors classes last year that if I feel stressed with my current workload I might as well take only 3 classes next semester so I can focus on Calculus and Organic more. I'll still be ahead of where I need to be credit-wise (I'm like one credit shy of being a junior right now. Vivacia's still beating me, though, she's already a "junior"). I might take a seminar or something easy, too, but I thought I might do that to avoid a repeat of this semester. I don't think I could do this again, and I have the dreaded Calculus coming up.
VERY good news: Talked to the dining office again. They said that they've had many students complain about that machine since I came in (I was just one of the first) and they're trying to get it fixed. The machine was putting other people's charges on my account if they went after me on the machine. They will sort out exactly what needs to be sorted out and will find a way to transfer the money back to us somehow. Good.
I think I might be depressed. I mean, I think that's why I had a panic attack instead of just pushing by the problem. I'm having trouble focusing and trouble sleeping, and I feel lonely all the time unless I'm with Ryter or like, actually talking to Cellamica instead of just sitting in the same room as her. I crave someone to talk to all the time, but no one ever really wants to talk to me except Ryter, so I'm spending more time with him than I should. Vivacia's really busy, and injured, and possibly mad at me, so I can't really talk to her...
I'm kind of paranoid, too. Like I thought Ryter was mad at me over something little that was said the other day, and he had to reassure me that he wasn't; meanwhile I remain convinced that Vivacia's furious at me and just not telling me about it. I don't know, maybe she is, but it also could be that she's busy and hurt and having issues getting around. I can't tell, but my brain is defaulting on "mad at me." She did say more than ten words to me today via AIM so I was a little reassured that at least she's not like, ready to murder me if I come near her, but...
I feel disconnected, like I'm vibrating a little bit out of our plane of existence. The trouble is I know this will mean I will spend even more time with Ryter because he's the only one who ever has any free time or the patience to listen to me freak out. And then Mummy will be upset with me because she thinks we need to spend less time together... not to mention Vivacia, though I've pretty much flat-out told Ryter that if Vivacia has some free time, unless we either had tickets to something or were supposed to meet someone I'm going to cancel our plans and hang out with her. Perhaps because of the funk I'm in, perhaps because it's the truth, I've been feeling like a kind of crappy friend lately.
Then again, I've been feeling like a kind of crappy everything lately.
Monday, June 25, 2007
"Oh my god, he was ABDUCTED BY NINJAS!"
Today is the Ludi Tauri Quinquennales, horse races held every five years to honor the gods of the underworld. It lasted two days.
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I will now issue a statement you will almost never hear from a teenage (and for the next four months, I'm still a teenager): My mother was right.
She once told me that I had an impressionable personality and that she feared that I, much more than my siblings, would fall victim to peer pressure. Well, I didn't-- when it comes to things that matter, I hold my ground. But that doesn't mean I'm not impressionable. It's like... I picture myself as a clay sculpture built around a steel frame; on the inside, I'm steadfast and I hold by my convictions, when there's something important and crucial to who I am. But on the outside, I'm malleable. In fact, I have a tendency to pick up the traits of people I am around. This can be a good thing, because it makes it easier for me to get along with a variety of people. It means I'm adaptable, which is important.
My personality is impressionable in other ways too, though. My personality will change just by something as simple as putting on a different style of clothing. I love dressing up, whether it's a costume or just clothing that I wouldn't normally wear, like a party dress. I take on the very personality that the clothing conveys, to a certain extent. I mean, it's not like if I dyed my hair black, greased it down, painted my eyes red and black and put on emo clothes I'd start cutting myself, but I would start to feel a little angsty and not just because I trashed my hair.
I love to dress up because it changes my personality. I've mentioned before that I have all these rules that I force upon myself. When I wear a costume, and my personality changes a little because of it, I can shed my rules, if not all the way then a little. It's liberating.
So yes, my mother was right. I am impressionable. I just don't think that's really a bad thing, at least until I start hanging out with tattooed murderous biker dudes. That would be bad.
I will now issue a statement you will almost never hear from a teenage (and for the next four months, I'm still a teenager): My mother was right.
She once told me that I had an impressionable personality and that she feared that I, much more than my siblings, would fall victim to peer pressure. Well, I didn't-- when it comes to things that matter, I hold my ground. But that doesn't mean I'm not impressionable. It's like... I picture myself as a clay sculpture built around a steel frame; on the inside, I'm steadfast and I hold by my convictions, when there's something important and crucial to who I am. But on the outside, I'm malleable. In fact, I have a tendency to pick up the traits of people I am around. This can be a good thing, because it makes it easier for me to get along with a variety of people. It means I'm adaptable, which is important.
My personality is impressionable in other ways too, though. My personality will change just by something as simple as putting on a different style of clothing. I love dressing up, whether it's a costume or just clothing that I wouldn't normally wear, like a party dress. I take on the very personality that the clothing conveys, to a certain extent. I mean, it's not like if I dyed my hair black, greased it down, painted my eyes red and black and put on emo clothes I'd start cutting myself, but I would start to feel a little angsty and not just because I trashed my hair.
I love to dress up because it changes my personality. I've mentioned before that I have all these rules that I force upon myself. When I wear a costume, and my personality changes a little because of it, I can shed my rules, if not all the way then a little. It's liberating.
So yes, my mother was right. I am impressionable. I just don't think that's really a bad thing, at least until I start hanging out with tattooed murderous biker dudes. That would be bad.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Ryter finished book # 5 today!
Today is the first day of the seven-day-long Floralia, a festival to honor Flora (Chloris), goddess of flowers. She was a fairly minor goddess but was strongly associated with spring, so it was appropriate that she have a festival at this time of year. Flora was the wife of Favonius (Zephyr), the god of the gentle west wind and (appropriately) of spring, which he was said to bring. In Greek myth, their son was Carpus, god of fruit (NOT god of fruits, that's Ganymede), but I don't know if that part of the myth carried over.
Anyway, today was celebrated by theatrical performances, circus games, and, in the evening, offerings of milk and honey to Flora. Hares and goats were released to run the streets and various beans and legumes were thrown to the spectators. The whole city was decked out in flowers-- even temples were covered in flowers, though only white ones. The people dressed in bright, colorful clothing instead of the customary white and there was much dancing and drinking. Great fun.
Incidentally, Roman prostitutes considered this holiday to be their own. I'm guessing it's all the drunk guys wandering around with flowers on their heads needing to prove their manhood, but that's just speculation...
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Okay, I found something that amuses me greatly. It's an emo bunny complaining about how he can't get laid. I really like that song, despite the fact that the lyrics are kinda weird. Warning: The only really easily decipherable phrase is "Everybody else has had more sex than me" so you might not want to watch it when that would start an awkward conversation...
You know, you'd think it would be easy for a bunny to get laid. They're freakin' rabbits.
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Ryter: So what did you do today?
Basiorana: Tore open the sternum of a pigeon with my bare (well, gloved) hands.
Basiorana: You?
Ryter: Finished a novel.
Basiorana: Mine's creepier.
Yeah, we were dissecting in Bio lab today. I asked my lab partner if we could do the pigeon, on account of the rats being a bit too well preserved-- they looked like they would get up and walk around. Well, until they were cut open and their guts were splayed everywhere.
Nothin' like a dissection to bring out the perversion in people, though. Honestly. One guy took a pair of scissors and lopped off the pigeon's head; the guys in the back were tossing a rat brain around... Yeah. And just think, most of us are pre-med or pre-vet. Comforting, ain't it?
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And in other news, the English portfolio looks like it will be fairly easy, maybe an hour's work tops. Everything else still looks impossible. Oh, and I forgot to mention the paper on Kinorhynchs I have due next week... Joys.
Anyway, today was celebrated by theatrical performances, circus games, and, in the evening, offerings of milk and honey to Flora. Hares and goats were released to run the streets and various beans and legumes were thrown to the spectators. The whole city was decked out in flowers-- even temples were covered in flowers, though only white ones. The people dressed in bright, colorful clothing instead of the customary white and there was much dancing and drinking. Great fun.Incidentally, Roman prostitutes considered this holiday to be their own. I'm guessing it's all the drunk guys wandering around with flowers on their heads needing to prove their manhood, but that's just speculation...
Okay, I found something that amuses me greatly. It's an emo bunny complaining about how he can't get laid. I really like that song, despite the fact that the lyrics are kinda weird. Warning: The only really easily decipherable phrase is "Everybody else has had more sex than me" so you might not want to watch it when that would start an awkward conversation...You know, you'd think it would be easy for a bunny to get laid. They're freakin' rabbits.
Ryter: So what did you do today?
Basiorana: Tore open the sternum of a pigeon with my bare (well, gloved) hands.
Basiorana: You?
Ryter: Finished a novel.
Basiorana: Mine's creepier.
Yeah, we were dissecting in Bio lab today. I asked my lab partner if we could do the pigeon, on account of the rats being a bit too well preserved-- they looked like they would get up and walk around. Well, until they were cut open and their guts were splayed everywhere.Nothin' like a dissection to bring out the perversion in people, though. Honestly. One guy took a pair of scissors and lopped off the pigeon's head; the guys in the back were tossing a rat brain around... Yeah. And just think, most of us are pre-med or pre-vet. Comforting, ain't it?
And in other news, the English portfolio looks like it will be fairly easy, maybe an hour's work tops. Everything else still looks impossible. Oh, and I forgot to mention the paper on Kinorhynchs I have due next week... Joys.
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