Lack of Posts is Due to Plethora of Homework

So...

Bad news: I'm almost positive that I flunked my Biostats test yesterday. I got into the exam after studying ALL weekend and some last week too, and the first question required a regression formula and I completely blanked on it. Like, mind freeze. I knew I had known it the night before, I was just blanking. If that had been it I could have still done well on the rest, but then I proceeded to be completely unable to let it go-- my mind was racing through possible formulas it might be but drawing a blank and I started to freak out and the next thing I knew I was getting a panic attack. I managed to suppress it enough to do my best but my best under those conditions is probably not too fabulous... I think it was because I was stressed out about a lot of different things lately, so my breaking point was a bit closer than normal (More specifics later).

I'll talk to my therapist about it next time I go in (in two weeks, I was supposed to have a session yesterday but the day off screwed up the University schedule). Ryter suggested I get a note from Disability Services but I don't think there's much they can do to help one way or another, I mean, taking a class in another room will probably make it worse, and I don't need extra time. Too much hassle, not enough gain, and I honestly don't think my anxiety disorder counts as a real disability. Not at my level. And I don't think it will happen again.

The good news in all of that mess is I already talked to my professor and he said that he will drop my lowest test of the 4 so chances are it won't count. So that's sorted out.

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More good news: I also talked to my adviser today, and he said that I'm so far ahead in credits thanks to AP and all my honors classes last year that if I feel stressed with my current workload I might as well take only 3 classes next semester so I can focus on Calculus and Organic more. I'll still be ahead of where I need to be credit-wise (I'm like one credit shy of being a junior right now. Vivacia's still beating me, though, she's already a "junior"). I might take a seminar or something easy, too, but I thought I might do that to avoid a repeat of this semester. I don't think I could do this again, and I have the dreaded Calculus coming up.

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VERY good news: Talked to the dining office again. They said that they've had many students complain about that machine since I came in (I was just one of the first) and they're trying to get it fixed. The machine was putting other people's charges on my account if they went after me on the machine. They will sort out exactly what needs to be sorted out and will find a way to transfer the money back to us somehow. Good.

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I think I might be depressed. I mean, I think that's why I had a panic attack instead of just pushing by the problem. I'm having trouble focusing and trouble sleeping, and I feel lonely all the time unless I'm with Ryter or like, actually talking to Cellamica instead of just sitting in the same room as her. I crave someone to talk to all the time, but no one ever really wants to talk to me except Ryter, so I'm spending more time with him than I should. Vivacia's really busy, and injured, and possibly mad at me, so I can't really talk to her...

I'm kind of paranoid, too. Like I thought Ryter was mad at me over something little that was said the other day, and he had to reassure me that he wasn't; meanwhile I remain convinced that Vivacia's furious at me and just not telling me about it. I don't know, maybe she is, but it also could be that she's busy and hurt and having issues getting around. I can't tell, but my brain is defaulting on "mad at me." She did say more than ten words to me today via AIM so I was a little reassured that at least she's not like, ready to murder me if I come near her, but...

I feel disconnected, like I'm vibrating a little bit out of our plane of existence. The trouble is I know this will mean I will spend even more time with Ryter because he's the only one who ever has any free time or the patience to listen to me freak out. And then Mummy will be upset with me because she thinks we need to spend less time together... not to mention Vivacia, though I've pretty much flat-out told Ryter that if Vivacia has some free time, unless we either had tickets to something or were supposed to meet someone I'm going to cancel our plans and hang out with her. Perhaps because of the funk I'm in, perhaps because it's the truth, I've been feeling like a kind of crappy friend lately.

Then again, I've been feeling like a kind of crappy everything lately.

"Woman's intutition is like feathers on an arrow-- it may help the flight to truth."

Tonight was the Student Activities Fair for this semester. You probably don't remember my mentioning that the Student Activities Fair for last semester triggered a panic attack and sent me spiraling into a very bad depression. Thus, I consider going at all (and NOT panicking) to be a massive victory on my part.

Of course, this time Closer and Mistake were with me, as was Loquatia and Tibicina, who, you may not remember, is an old friend from high school who we hang out with sometimes. I always do better in crowds if I'm with people I know and am comfortable with. However, I had a couple things against me-- for starters, I was leaning on a crutch, causing people to stare at me a great deal as I gimped about, and more significantly, it was not just the five of us; a friend of Loquatia's came with us, and the fact that I'm gonna call him Cute Chem Major might indicate the issue (the "Cute" part, my only aversion to Chem Majors is that they actually like that stuff).

Cute Chem Major was looking for someone to go with, not wanting to wander about alone, and he asked Loquatia, but she was really uncomfortable with the idea of just going with him-- I think it was a combination of worrying about not knowing what to do if the conversation died (never an issue with the garrulous Mistake about) and her general uneasiness with anything that seems to resemble a date/guy being romantically interested in her. While I haven't a clue how much truth is in that thought-- we know I'm bad at the "detect attraction" spell-casting on account of my refusing to believe KTMack was actually interested at all in me until Mistake and Closer teamed up to prove it beyond a shadow of a doubt-- I can say that she was certainly futzing with her hair for longer than usual.

Of course, she might have been doing that because I was putting on makeup and fixing my own hair, but I wasn't doing it for that reason as I hadn't actually met the kid yet. No, really.

Anyway, yes. Regardless, I invited her along with us, and then when she felt bad about bailing on him, I suggested she just have him come along. We all ate dinner together-- a bit of a trick with the crutches, but I was down to one so it wasn't that bad. I at least was able to get my own food.

The fair itself wasn't actually that interesting-- by this point I've heard about most of the clubs, so it wasn't news. The Republican Club and Pro-Life Organization's table was at the exact opposite room from that of the Democrat Club and Pro-Choice Organization; there was Frisbee spin-art, palm reading, body art, and sign-making, though I passed on the body art (don't know how long it lasts and I'm going home next weekend-- "Happy Birthday, Mummy, have a heart attack!") and the palm reading (long line). Other than that, though, not horribly exciting. Nerf crossbow practice at the Archery Club table, and the Historical Weaponry people were fighting with padded swords and chain-mail hauberks in one corner.

Free stuff was basically limited to candy, make-your-own-Valentines (Mistake made a really mean one for Closer that Loquatia totally didn't get until it was explained), the occasional pamphlet, condoms disguised as matchbooks (or not, there was lots of selection) and pro-life balloons. Since there's not much to do at these things except go around and take all the free stuff, we didn't last too long before we (all six of us) wandered back to Mistake's dorm to sit around, talk, and watch Psych. We split by eleven, in the interest of letting Mistake sleep-- she had to wake up early tomorrow, she said. So did Tibicina, and, I'm sure, Loquatia, though that's more "want to" than "have to." I, for one, intend to sleep in until noon. Because it's Saturday, dammit.

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