Lack of Posts is Due to Plethora of Homework

So...

Bad news: I'm almost positive that I flunked my Biostats test yesterday. I got into the exam after studying ALL weekend and some last week too, and the first question required a regression formula and I completely blanked on it. Like, mind freeze. I knew I had known it the night before, I was just blanking. If that had been it I could have still done well on the rest, but then I proceeded to be completely unable to let it go-- my mind was racing through possible formulas it might be but drawing a blank and I started to freak out and the next thing I knew I was getting a panic attack. I managed to suppress it enough to do my best but my best under those conditions is probably not too fabulous... I think it was because I was stressed out about a lot of different things lately, so my breaking point was a bit closer than normal (More specifics later).

I'll talk to my therapist about it next time I go in (in two weeks, I was supposed to have a session yesterday but the day off screwed up the University schedule). Ryter suggested I get a note from Disability Services but I don't think there's much they can do to help one way or another, I mean, taking a class in another room will probably make it worse, and I don't need extra time. Too much hassle, not enough gain, and I honestly don't think my anxiety disorder counts as a real disability. Not at my level. And I don't think it will happen again.

The good news in all of that mess is I already talked to my professor and he said that he will drop my lowest test of the 4 so chances are it won't count. So that's sorted out.

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More good news: I also talked to my adviser today, and he said that I'm so far ahead in credits thanks to AP and all my honors classes last year that if I feel stressed with my current workload I might as well take only 3 classes next semester so I can focus on Calculus and Organic more. I'll still be ahead of where I need to be credit-wise (I'm like one credit shy of being a junior right now. Vivacia's still beating me, though, she's already a "junior"). I might take a seminar or something easy, too, but I thought I might do that to avoid a repeat of this semester. I don't think I could do this again, and I have the dreaded Calculus coming up.

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VERY good news: Talked to the dining office again. They said that they've had many students complain about that machine since I came in (I was just one of the first) and they're trying to get it fixed. The machine was putting other people's charges on my account if they went after me on the machine. They will sort out exactly what needs to be sorted out and will find a way to transfer the money back to us somehow. Good.

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I think I might be depressed. I mean, I think that's why I had a panic attack instead of just pushing by the problem. I'm having trouble focusing and trouble sleeping, and I feel lonely all the time unless I'm with Ryter or like, actually talking to Cellamica instead of just sitting in the same room as her. I crave someone to talk to all the time, but no one ever really wants to talk to me except Ryter, so I'm spending more time with him than I should. Vivacia's really busy, and injured, and possibly mad at me, so I can't really talk to her...

I'm kind of paranoid, too. Like I thought Ryter was mad at me over something little that was said the other day, and he had to reassure me that he wasn't; meanwhile I remain convinced that Vivacia's furious at me and just not telling me about it. I don't know, maybe she is, but it also could be that she's busy and hurt and having issues getting around. I can't tell, but my brain is defaulting on "mad at me." She did say more than ten words to me today via AIM so I was a little reassured that at least she's not like, ready to murder me if I come near her, but...

I feel disconnected, like I'm vibrating a little bit out of our plane of existence. The trouble is I know this will mean I will spend even more time with Ryter because he's the only one who ever has any free time or the patience to listen to me freak out. And then Mummy will be upset with me because she thinks we need to spend less time together... not to mention Vivacia, though I've pretty much flat-out told Ryter that if Vivacia has some free time, unless we either had tickets to something or were supposed to meet someone I'm going to cancel our plans and hang out with her. Perhaps because of the funk I'm in, perhaps because it's the truth, I've been feeling like a kind of crappy friend lately.

Then again, I've been feeling like a kind of crappy everything lately.

Don't you hate days when everything goes wrong?

Perhaps it's no coincidence that my religious beliefs are so closely tied to the idea of guilt, because sometimes it feels like that is the emotion I feel the most, and most powerfully.

Right now Vivacia is upset with me because today we celebrated her birthday and I'm pretty sure I royally messed it up.

My parents are irritated because I saw them for the first time in weeks and I couldn't even let them take me to lunch or really do anything but talk to me for two minutes and then go.

Closer is probably more than a little pissed at me because I messed up his surprise that I didn't know about and that didn't happen anyway for reasons unrelated.

Ryter will probably feel like crap if/when he finds out about any of this because it's all tied up in his wanting to tag along and get to know everyone better.

I try to make everyone happy and this shit happens. If I don't try to make everyone happy they all get mad at me. I can't do anything right and I don't know why I bother to try.

I have 38 hours over the course of an entire week when I am not sleeping, eating, in class or doing homework. Of that there are actually only two blocks of time, Friday night and Saturday, when I am free from a long enough amount of time to make planning something feasible. Meanwhile Vivacia's usually on duty during those blocks Everyone wants my time, it seems, and half of them don't want my time with them to overlap with my time with anyone else. Ryter just wants me to spend time with him and he wants to spend time with Vivacia and Closer, but my parents think I need to spend more time studying or come home more often (my mom was upset that I didn't come home this weekend), and Vivacia wants me to spend time with her without Ryter being around.

I don't know. I posted more of this in my livejournal, because it's all very emo and LJ is better for being melodramatic.

"No simulated brains! I want real brains." -Voyager

Today is the second day of the Quinquatrus Minores. It lasts three days total.

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So today was a royal pain in the ass.

I mean, I got to go eat sushi with Shrewd, which was cool, but also led to the whole problem...

So this morning, my mother woke me up by sticking her head into my room, because there's no privacy in this house, and informing me that the Brother had the car. I promptly fell back asleep, not really caring that much, since I expected I could get a ride from my sister when I went to the gym.

However, at about 11:30 The Brother returned home, having finished his finals. I talked to him a little, then he got a phone call, and informed me that he had to go volunteer at the elementary school or something. I said, "Do you need the car?"

"No," he replied, "I'm getting a ride."

"Okay, I was going to go to the gym later, that's why I asked. Sure you don't need it?"

"No, I'm good."

I went out to sushi, went to the gym, got back, and The Brother said, "Oh, you're home. I needed the car. Missed a Spartans parade."

"Oh, god, really? Man, I'm sorry. You should have said something."

"Nah, it's okay. I have more time to do my English project. I didn't really tell you to get back, s'not really your fault."

This all seems straightforward, right?

Then, Daddy gets home. He asks why the Brother isn't at Spartans. The Brother says he didn't have the car.

Daddy proceeds to yell at me for ten minutes. Did I point out that it wasn't my fault? Yes. Did I point out that there was absolutely no logic in blaming me for his failure to inform me that he needed the car when I asked him? Yes. Did it matter? Not a whit. Apparently I am, in fact, my brother's keeper and I am supposed to keep track of his schedule so he doesn't miss anything. Like I don't already answer the damn phone for him all the time.

Then Shrewd sided with Daddy, at least partially, and said that I should have known better than to think that I could get a straight answer out of anyone in this house. So basically it's all my fault because I assumed that "No I don't need the car" meant "No I don't need the car."

My father's selective hearing is on full-blast today. For example, the following conversation:

Daddy: [Shrewd], would you mind terribly if your mother and I went out to eat tonight?

Shrewd: Oh, sure, I mean, I have food here, but...

Daddy, to my mom on the phone: [Shrewd] wants us to eat dinner here.

Ryter suggested I dye my hair a funky color. I tried to explaining that I don't actually want more attention, just to not be yelled at for something I didn't do wrong. Grr...

Last day of classes, and I am lulled to sleep by the partiers outside my window...

Today was nice. My first class was at 6:00 PM, as Chem and Latin are both over for the semester. So I rolled out of bed at 9:30 (okay, not THAT late, but still) and did my phylum paper, which I basically finished on my own because it was easier than trying to get together with my project partner. It was just a bunch of hard-to-spell classification names, anyway. That said, Zelinkaderidae sounds very, very cool and I want to use it in conversation more often.

Anyway, other than that... I went and met with the Honors program people like they asked me to, despite the fact that I'm not taking an Honors class next semester. They wanted to check in with me, so I wandered over to hear her tell me I was doing fine and ahead of the curve and all that good stuff that I already knew because I took four honors classes this year for a reason, namely, I wanted to not be worried about honors classes while taking Organic and Calculus.

It wasn't a total waste of time, though; for starters, got me out of the room for a while and out in the glorious weather, and she did let me know that there was a 444 class that I would have to take at some point, a specific kind of class that you take instead of one of your gen eds. They're pretty cool, though, I'm not too worried about it. I'll probably take it instead of a sociology credit, I want to do something hands-on for my Fine Arts requirement.

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I also finally replaced the sunglasses that I lost after two days. My new pair are almost identical. I was going to get a cheaper pair at Zyla's, like Vivacia recommended yesterday, but they only had the tiny, not-fashionable ones, and every time I find a fashion that actually flatters my face (or body) I feel the need to jump on the bandwagon and ride it out, because it doesn't happen nearly enough.

I wound up getting a pair at Brooks. They are very Paris Hilton but cost me way more than I would have liked to spend ($12, clearly a sign that I am che-e-e-eap).

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My only class today, and my last class for the semester, was the health care seminar. No speakers today, just an open discussion about the right to die (assisted suicide) and abortion. Basically he was saying that it is strange that we live in a country where assisted suicide is only legal in one state-- Oregon-- but abortion is legal in all states, partial birth abortions notwithstanding.

His point was pretty straightforward-- we're letting people decide to terminate other life (assuming you consider it such-- he clearly did, and told us to assume it was "for argument's sake"-- aka I don't want to hear other points of view) but not allowing them to terminate their own. The reason for this is that we have a prevailing idea in this country that anyone who wants to terminate their own life is mentally ill, because we fear our own deaths. Thus, the person who fears their continued life more than their death must be insane.

You will notice that the question of abortion always centers around when a fetus is considered a human life. That's because at that point it's murder. Once the fetus is considered human, the only way you can justify aborting it is if it's going to die anyway, like if it's missing major organs. If a baby has no brain or no kidneys or something, it's going to die, there's no saving it.

Personally, while I might abort a fetus with Potter's Syndrome (that's a lack of kidneys) in the most humane way possible on the grounds that it would feel pain before it's death, if I had an anencephalic child (that's no brain, or not enough brain to survive) that was otherwise healthy and I myself was healthy, I hope I would have the courage to carry it to term to provide it's organs to other newborns who might die otherwise. Anencephalic infants cannot feel pain.

But the question is always "When does life begin?" not "Is life going to be worthwhile?" People shy away from that question, on the grounds that "any life is better than no life." Anencephaly or Potter's Syndrome are extremes, and most people who don't have religious reasons saying otherwise will abort or accept that someone else would abort such a child. But what about things that are more gray areas?

Let's say a fetus has a mental defect that means they are physically normal and healthy but are incapable of development, and will always be at the mental level of an infant. Many women would abort. Now let's say someone got into an accident that destroyed part of their brain, leaving them at that same developmental state. It would be unheard of to provide euthanasia for such a person because it's murder. The reason? The fetus could be considered "not yet alive."

But I'm not trying to talk about abortion today; I'll just clarify that I personally would only undergo an abortion if the fetus had severe enough birth defects that it could never be adopted, and I was unable to care for it myself. As a healthy, intelligent young white American woman with minimal genetic illness in my family I'm betting that any offspring I'd ever accidentally produce would be adopted instantly, depending on the state of the father. Not, mind you, that I ever expect this to be an issue.

The issue is that euthanasia is illegal. Say a man is dying from cancer. He is in a great deal of pain, enough that morphine barely helps. He says that he wants to die, he wants to kill himself. What happens? They have him talk to a counselor. Because he's suicidal. Some hospitals would even put him on a suicide watch.

I more than anyone know that suicide is a serious problem and should not be ignored. If someone is healthy and young but depressed, though, that's curable. If the cause of their pain is terminal illness, it's not. Euthanasia is legal in Oregon and in Belgium, Switzerland, and the Netherlands. The Netherlands only allow it in the case of terminal illness.

The thing is, we find it much easier to believe that a person could, in sound mind, objectively choose to end the life of another who was suffering than that a person would choose to end their own. Because anyone who wants to die must be suicidal and depressed. It couldn't possibly be that they are dying anyway, are in pain, and have rationally decided that they no longer fear death as much as they fear pain.

I don't fear death. I don't want to die, but I'm not afraid of death. The funny thing is I don't even know for sure what kind of afterlife there is, and for all I know I could be going to the Christian Hell to burn with the idolaters or something, but I figure, if it comes it comes. I'm not going to hasten my own death and I will fight violently to protect it as long as I am healthy and whole, but when my time comes, it comes. When my brain is incapable of even a facsimile of my current mental processes, I am dead. If I have a personality but it is just radically different and the memories are gone, I am dead; that's not me. If I am brain dead or in a persistent vegetative state, I am dead. And if I'm incapable of living outside of a hospital and I will never get better, and I am in pain, I'm not dead, but I might as well be. I want people to see that acceptance of death is not depression, but is merely... acceptance.

You know, of all the things that one can gripe about over and over again, this issue is the most valuable. I'm hoping that if I'm ever brain dead there will be no long discussion or court battle, but merely a discussion of my prognosis with the doctors, a medical consensus, and a quick trip to the judge, because all of the interwebs knows that I don't want to be the next Terry Schiavo.

Life, tube. Aquaint yourself with it, it's where you'll be headed over the next couple of weeks.

I would be crying right now if I didn't think it was a waste of time.

I can't take the classes I wanted. Again. As in, I was flat-out informed that I was required to take three lab sciences a semester. Yes. Three. As in, I am not allowed to take fun classes. I'm allowed one non-major-oriented class a semester, and this upcoming semester it will be Horace. I was also informed that Honors students aren't bad at math, all evidence to the contrary, and I already took a test that I specifically remember not taking, thus proving that I can handle Calculus in the Spring and that I don't need Analysis. Instead, I am to take "Applied Biostatistics I" in addition to my Organic Chemistry, General Ecology, and Advanced-level Latin. Because rather than having about four gen eds left, turns out I have two-- Psychology and Fine Arts. And if I take Fine Arts in the Spring when I'm struggling with Calc and all I can take Psychology my senior year, and Greek next year.

"Take APs," they said. "It will give you more free time in your schedule," they said. Well, whoever "they" are, I'm hating them right now. If I didn't have those APs I would have so many more options for non-science courses. Instead I'm to consider myself lucky that I have the minor to do, and at least one semester will be all science courses.

ARGH!!!

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So, what else is bothering me lately... Bisobrina really, really wants to come up and visit me here at school, and she's on vacation this week. Of my remaining weekends, this is far and away the best for that, despite the English portfolio/final thingy I have due next Thursday and the meeting with my fellow TV announcer (for the Bio Lab presentation) I've already set up for 10 on Saturday morning. Plus the Latin presentations start next Friday and I'm praying I can beg my Latin professor to put mine off until Monday; I also have a Chem test next Friday and I absolutely HAVE to take the make-up test for Bio before the reading (for me, studying for the Bio final) days on the 8th and the 9th; I need to get that done next week, preferably Tuesday, possibly Wednesday if Tuesday is ABSOLUTELY undoable...

Okay, let's look at my due dates over the next couple of weeks.

Monday the 30th, Latin quiz.
1st or 2nd, need to take that Bio test.
3rd, English portfolio is handed it.
4th, Chem ACS exam (like a final only not one of his tests, so harder); also, Latin presentations begin (I haven't even started mine).
Monday the 7th, Latin presentations continue.
8th, dry-run of the performance for Bio Lab.
9th, we actually DO the performance.
10th, Bio Final.
11th at 5:30 PM, I get kicked out of the dorm and summer begins.

That's what my life will be like. So obviously if Bisobrina's coming up, it has to be this weekend.

I'd really rather she didn't. I want to see her, but honestly, I wish she'd come visit me over the summer, and I could take her down to the Cape for a weekend and we could chill out on the beach and do cool stuff there, because there's always cool stuff to do at the Cape. But she wants to come here, to UNH, and hang out on campus. Next year she'll be off to school in Connecticut and won't be able/want to visit me here. I'm just worried she wants to be doing cool stuff, like going to parties or something. Which I don't do. So if she's expecting me to have anything exciting planned, she's got another think coming. I don't think there's that much to do otherwise, either. I mean, I guess we could go to a dorm social or something... maybe hang out with Mistake, if she's not too busy with her own crazy study-fest (which seems likely)...

Sigh.

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Oh, and I was supposed to go see my therapist today, but I had a Chem test. So I moved the Chem test to yesterday. Then I was going to have to take the Calculus pretest, so I had to cancel anyway. Upset as I was with this turn of events, imagine my emotions when I went to my meeting with the adviser this morning (right after the bus left) and I was informed that I wouldn't be taking that exam, after all, as I didn't need it... So basically, I missed the appointment for nothing.

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So I'm starved for time and deprived of sleep; I'm scheduled up the whazoo with projects, presentations, and exams; I can't stay awake long enough to study/work on said projects, presentations, and exams; I'm going to be entertaining a high school student who has declared that she wants to meet all the "hot UNH boys" this weekend; and oh yeah, I just learned it's going to be even worse next year...

I need pie.

"I want a giant terrestrial land squid. Best. Pet. Ever."

Today is the Megalesia of Cybele in Phrygia and Rome, commemorating the arrival of the goddess to her Roman temple. I don't know how it was celebrated, particularly.

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If anyone asks, it's not snowing.

No, it isn't. I refuse to believe it could be snowing in April, after 70-degree weather last week. That's just ludicrous.

...Let me wallow in my delusions!!!

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So I think that the professors here have psychic powers that let them know when a person's social life starts to pick up, so that they know when to start assigning extra homework. I've been swamped.

In other news, I made an appointment to talk to my advisor on Friday after Latin, so I can figure out my schedule for next year. I know I need to take Organic Chemistry (blech) and probably Precalculus (double blech), but beyond that I'm uncertain. With those two monsters, I think I need a real break, something like Art. I think I have some creative-ish core credit I need to fulfill. Then... something else. One other class. I bet they make me take a Bio class or something, but I really don't want two mathy classes AND two sciency ones. Because I would die.

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So Ryter met Loquatia today. This was in part because Ryter wanted to meet her and in part because she's doing this RA thing where they want her to strike up a conversation with someone new. Dinner was about ten times more talkative than it usually is with just me and Loquatia-- I think we ran out of stuff to discuss a couple months ago.

Anyway, yeah, we trekked through the snow-- WHICH ISN'T THERE-- over to JP's, ate, talked, etc, then Loquatia went off to Swing and Ryter and I walked back to his place. I realized a little too late that we were totally walking right past Stoke, and I really should have just gone and picked up those sour pickles Mistake was randomly craving and dropped them off at her door, but oh well, I didn't. Anyway, yes, we went back to his place, hung out and talked about religion and other such Big Important Subjects and then I returned here in plenty of time to finish that stupid English essay which is totally like 13 pages.

Ryter liked Loquatia well enough, though he,like so many before him, fell into the "misreading of the facial signals" trap. Loquatia doesn't tend to express on her face what she feels, and she usually looks upset. Mistake did the same thing when she first met her. Heck, I thought she didn't like me for the first three months or so.

Loquatia said that Ryter was "nice" but mostly what she pointed out was that we seem to have a lot in common (we do), and he seems to like me (I hope so, at this point). The word "cute" was used a lot about the two of us, which I should probably resent more than I do. She also asked me if he was a goth at some point (he sort of was), which goes to show you that either it's waaaay more obvious than I thought and I'm just dense or she's very perceptive. And she thought he seemed nervous. He probably was. I dunno.

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Phylum presentations continued in Bio lab, before we got to play with bugs, and the first presenters brought candy, per tradition. Theirs was really cool, though.
Remember those Creepy Crawly sets where you pour the gooey plastic into a bug mold and get a squishy fake bug? Well, they had taken one of those molds, of a scorpion, and made chocolate scorpions-- except because their project was on an intestinal worm, there was totally a gummy worm inside.

I was mildly disturbed, but it was pretty creative.

Though I have to say, the best lab was presented by Incredibly Hot Guy (I'm still going to call him that, mostly because I've called him that before and he hasn't become Got Plastic Surgery And Is No Longer Incredibly Hot Guy, sorry if it's weird) and Flirts With TAs. Theirs was only mildly related to their subject but it was filled with random funny pictures, like Incredibly Hot Guy asleep with a dream bubble with a picture of the professor in it. For the "Reproduction" slide it was the two of them in the shower in their boxers. We were cracking up. Of course, that was an excellent time for Incredibly Hot Guy to remind everyone of his interest in the ladies by making the word "vagina" spin on the screen a couple times.

Ah, college.

"At 20 the will reigns, at 30 the wit, at 40 the judgement"*

Today is the Women's Festival of Juno. That's when married women or those who'd like to be married celebrate Juno, or Hera as she is known in some circles. Queen of gods, goddess of matrimony- you get the idea.

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So two days ago I realized that I had totally screwed up my schedule, and Tuesdays are not free, as I though, but rather occupied by Englishy, Biology-y activities. So I missed my first two classes. Oops. Way to go, Sherlock.

But it's resolved, and I've talked to my teachers and apologized profusely. Anyway, dealing with that is basically why I didn't post a real entry until today, and why there was the random not-related-to-reality post right before this one, the one about Mary Sues that you didn't have to read because it has very little to do with my life.

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Besides the Bio/English screw up, I have discovered more scheduling changes. Like I can go to the Communication Skills group after all, which is exciting and means that I will possibly actually learn to talk to boys without being all "durrrrr...." That starts in like three weeks.

Also, I can take my Latin class and get credit and all. This is good. I like credit. Especially considering that my father was FLIPPING OUT about the possibility that this would not be the case.

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Libentra's in some of my classes! This is a YAY thing because we thought we wouldn't have any classes together this semester, and consequently would go into withdrawal from each other after our blatant mutual overexposure last semester. She's taking Chem with me (she's Honors and I'm not, but hey, we get to sit together in lecture) and Latin again.

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Loquatia and I are most likely going to be going to swing dance classes, or maybe salsa, together. She wanted something fun to try when she can't play tennis. That should be cool. Except I have to play the guy 50% of the time, apparently. I can't do the guy's part, it requires actual thought.

I went to yoga yesterday, and I plan to go tomorrow. This out to be interesting. I left yoga feeling relaxed, and yet, sore, sort of like how I'd expect to feel if I'd been beaten all over by several thugs and then dosed with sedatives. How's that for imagery, professor?

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That reminds me- I have to keep a daily journal for English. This is not really a problem for me. I'm not going to write yet another journal, though, I'm gonna print out my blog, minus the really long entries with little or no relevance to real life. Like... the previous one.

I thought about recording the one beautiful thing I make a point of noticing every day, but you know, thinking about one lovely thing is nice, but if you start listing them or recording them for posterity you start to sound poetic and I think I'd be ripping off thiel's ideas of living your poetry.

Besides, mustn't reveal my depthitude. I'm pretentious and self-involved enough as it is.


*I'm kinda tempted to make a comment about 70 and the bladder but I figure that would be mean coming from someone who's still in the "will" section of life.**

**This is not a comment like saying "No comment" is not a comment. Insert me smiling here.