Look who's back

I got back from the Cape today. I have to say, I really feel different when I'm down there. Normally, I'm really self-conscious about my body, and would never dream of wearing, say, a tank top and a miniskirt. And yet my bathing suit covers about the same area (well, one of them, the others are essentially tank tops and panty bottoms) and when I'm at the Cape, in the park, I'll wear it around all day, even if I don't intend to swim. It's comfortable and I'd wear less clothing all the time if I had the confidence for it. Well, within reason, I'd still maintain a level of class. Hmm. Maybe I need to be living in a trailer to dress like trailer trash, I don't know, but I think it has more to do with the fact that a) no one cares, and there's no one I would consider my peer in the park-- most people are elderly or parents with young children, and b) I've always done it.

Anyway, I had a good weekend. I had a lobster dinner on Friday and a lobster roll on Saturday, both at Young's in Rock Harbor, best lobster rolls ever. I saw Pirates, the third one, and I honestly didn't think it was as bad as everyone said; then again, I'm used to complicated alliances and lots of characters and love scenes in the middle of battles. I mean, I read X-men.

This will be our last summer on the Cape, though, which is kinda sad but not unexpected. We don't go down there enough any more to make it worthwhile, and it's kinda expensive. I'll miss it, but what can you do. Besides, the place isn't even the same any more. There was a little cottage next to the park that was nice and small and humble, hidden partially behind sand dunes so the beach wouldn't wash away and take it with it. Now that little cottage has been turned into a two-story balconied monstrosity that destroys the view and the coastline.

There's a lot of little things like that. Dennisport's not the same. Although I hear the park itself is getting Wi-Fi, which would be pretty dang sweet.

"An admirer is too shy to meet you."

I tagged along with Loquatia to dinner today, and ate with her and the CI kids. They're all really nice, but I have to say, I wasn't really expecting them to say grace... in a dining hall...

And I really wasn't expecting Loquatia to ask me if it was okay. What, was she expecting I'd flip out and get terribly insulted? It's grace. I bowed my head and waited while the girl asked that everyone be able to finish their homework tonight, "especially those of us who have essays due tomorrow morning, Lord."

Besides, I'm a theist, I can say grace just as well as anyone else and all I have to do to a Christian grace is think "god" instead of "lord" or "Jesus."

The dinner was okay, though I was quiet the whole meal on account of not really knowing any of them except Loquatia and Comisa. The solemn tone at the beginning quickly devolved into biting the heads or bottoms off of gummy bears and making them into multicolor mutants.

Ah, college students.

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That was going to be my only story today, besides the Picard video you are all required to watch below (seriously, I joined YouTube just to show you this, so watch it), but I was talking to Writer Guy and the subject of self-esteem-- specifically, mine-- came up. I tried to explain in the best possible way that I've struggled with it for a long time, but I know I have a problem with it and I'm trying to work on it. As in, I tried to explain it in a way that didn't make me seem needy or like I was fishing for compliments (I never fish for compliments, at least not intentionally. I assume those aren't actually compliments, but rather attempts to make me feel better, and thus can be ignored). I think I was successful. I hope so, anyway.

But the important/interesting part was that he told me if he could ever help in that regard, I should let him know, so I was able to inform him that he didn't really need to make any special effort, he's managed to help improve my self-esteem already.

I may have a default setting with the self-esteem of an old grapefruit (they have body image problems, didn't you know?), but at least it improves drastically at the slightest provocation...

My Love Element Is Earth

In love, I have consistency and integrity. For me, love is all about staying grounded and centered. I attract others with my zest for life and experiences. My flirting style is defined by setting the scene, creating a unique moment in time. Steady progress and stability are the cornerstones of my love life. I may take things too slowly, but I never put my heart at risk. I connect best with: Fire I should avoid: Wood Me and another Earth element: need each other too much to build a good foundation.

What Element Is Your Love?

"You find beauty in ordinary things. Keep this trait."

I've been in an unshakable good mood all day today, and not even the dreaded Wednesday could bring me down. I set out from my dorm this morning thinking, "Wow. I'm in a really great mood. I think I'll be determined to keep it up, come what may."

But I actually didn't need to be determined; the good mood kind of stuck to me all day, and to it I attribute both my amazing staying-awake-in-Chem capacities and the fact that I totally didn't care that I was smiling all day, which normally would bug me as smiling non-stop makes people wonder what the joke is, or if they look especially goofy or something.

And I finally just came to the conclusion that I really don't like taking ballroom dance classes here, what I liked about dance classes at Arthur Murray was the non-threatening environment and having my dad (or my brother, even) as a dance partner. And while it's not like I need to fear for my life at Swing (unless I'm with someone else who's also new, in which case, hazards are sort of a given), it's a lot of emotional stress, for me, and I honestly don't want to have to do it. So unless Loquatia specifically asks me to go (unlikely, she has lots of friends there), I think I'll stick to yoga and walking around a lot.

There's very little to talk about today besides that; I could tell you about my awesome afternoon of nuking pine cones and playing with a scalpel but no one understands how awesome biology is for me so I won't even bother. Instead, I'm going to talk about something that's been bugging me for months but that I never got around to mentioning.

There's a guy on my floor who has a very pretty little girlfriend who he treats like crap. Every time I hear them walk by, I hear him call her "ho" or "bitch" or "slut," and then he'll make crude comments to her right in front of all his friends. When he has to so much as meet her for dinner he throws off lines like "Bitch better give me a blowjob" even when she's not around to defend herself. Now, I thought it was pretty demeaning and rude of him, but I figured she didn't mind horribly, since she was always laughing it off. I mean, she's probably one of the only girls in the world with lower self esteem than myself, but as long as he's not hitting her (though he grabs her rear a lot) and she doesn't seem to care, it's no big deal, right?

Then about a week or two ago I heard the following conversation outside my door (paraphrased):

"Come on, bitch, let's go."

"Aww, why do you always have to be mean like that? Why do you always call me names?" I pricked up my ears (shameless eavesdropper, I know). Could it be that the girl was finally going to stand up for herself?

"Well, what do you want me to call you?"

"I just wish that you'd call me beautiful. Like I'd come over and you'd give me a kiss and tell me I'm your princess or something."

There was a pause, during which time I can only presume he was staring at her in horror. Then he replied, "Like hell you do! You just keep on wishing! Not gonna happen!"

She didn't fight him, as far as I could tell; they wandered out of earshot. I was left with a really sad feeling inside. I mean, I don't know her name, and she'd probably be really offended if I said anything to her, because it was a private conversation that just happened to occur quite loudly right outside my door. But I sort of wanted to give her a hug after that. I mean, maybe this kid is incredible in bed or something, but it seems a lot more likely that he's found a girl who's so desperate to be loved that she'll put up with any amount of verbal abuse just to have a boyfriend.

Even at my lowest, I wouldn't put up with a guy calling me every derogatory, demeaning name in the book and demanding sexual favors. Not in a million years. This guy isn't drunk or "talking dirty," he's just taking advantage of a girl's insecurities to act like a jerk.

I really never thought there were guys out there like this... No, wait. I kind of assumed there were, somewhere. I just never thought there were girls who would tolerate it. I hope she breaks up with him. God, do I hope she breaks up with him.

I always try to see the good in people. I refuse to believe anyone is truly, completely, utterly bad; even Hitler was kind to animals. Sometimes you have to search very, very deeply, and the bad obviously outweighs the good, but there's that spark somewhere. Why must people make seeing it so hard?

(By the way: This post has in no way diminished my good mood. Sorry. I tried.)

In a Past Life...

I Was: A Brave Astrologer. Where I Lived: Italy. How I Died: Hung for treason.

Who Were You In a Past Life?

"Sweet Memories are the Paradise of the Mind"

Today is a dies ater, which means it's bad luck to start anything new. It's also the festival of Juno Februa, who is really the same Juno as yesterday except yesterday she was the Queen of Heaven and Savior Mother, and today she's the mother of Mars/Ares. Just a different aspect of her. Anyway, today was celebrated by putting roasted spelt and salt on the door sill.

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Today Latin was canceled, which was exciting, and then at three I met up with Mistake and Closer to hang out all afternoon. Mistake showed me where to drop off my RA application and we went to Brooks, and then went back to her dorm and hung out and listened to the soundtrack of our childhood-- Who else remembers "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls, "C'est La Vie" by B*witched and "I Saw the Sign" by Ace of Base?

Mistake's ex boyfriend and current best friend (she collects them. Best friends, not ex boyfriends, though the latter is also possible) came up to visit, as he has a college interview at a nearby school tomorrow morning. He's staying the night in her dorm room, thanks to her lack of roommate. Closer may or may not spend the night in there with them, sleeping in the chair. He arrived just as it was starting to snow, and we went to eat dinner and then afterwards went to my dorm to get my mug for cocoa and some salsa I wanted to get rid of. AS we headed back to Stoke, the snow was starting to pick up and we threw snowballs and Mistake made a snow angel.

Mistake went and retrieved her camera, and we wandered around campus, avoiding the poor, confused skunk that was wandering about in the drifts because of the weird weather. We took pictures and played in the snow, and then we made a snowman on T-Hall lawn-- well, it started out as a snowman, but then I broke the head apart by packing too hard and rather than replace it, we gave it cat ears and a face and called it a Wildcat; then we took pictures with it and once we returned, wet and cold, to Mistake's dorm, she sent a picture in to the local news station and they showed it on the 11:00 news later that night.

Before the news, we watched Psych and ate popcorn; then we sat around and talked for a while after. I naturally had to call my mom and let her know what channel to watch, lest she miss the proof that college kids are quite talented snowman builders.

On the way back home at 12:30 AM there were kids riding dining hall trays down the hill by the library and having snowball fights in front of Hubbard Hall.

I love the snow.

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Actually, right now I'm kinda more loving the fact that at dinner tonight, I was totally checked out by not one, but two guys. First there was this guy who kept staring at me all through the meal-- well, either me or Closer, and if he was staring at Closer that's mildly creepy, whereas if he was staring at me it's still creepy but it makes me feel better so it's okay creepiness. The first time I caught him staring at me out of the corner of my eye I turned a little, like I was glancing around the room, and he blinked his eyes back to the people he was talking to, and it was about ten minutes before I noticed him again... so I decided I wasn't going to turn, and see how long he stared.

It was a pretty long time. I was kind of wondering when I was going to be able to look around the room again. He went back to talking with his dinner partners eventually, but I swear, like, five minutes later I noticed him looking at me again...

Then we were walking out to bring our trays to the dish room, and a totally different guy glanced at me walking by, glanced away, looked back, and then slid his eyes down the full length of my body. It was, as my sister decided when I told her of it later, "like... hardcore checked out." Again, definitely kinda creepy, but at the same time, in a twisted, odd, my-self-esteem-sucks kind of way, it really cheered me up.

If there was another possible reason for them looking at me, I really don't want to hear it, I'm basking here.

The only problem was I totally wanted to mention it to Mistake, because I actually find it pretty funny, too-- another advantage of being young/naive is that when people blatantly check you out, it's still funny and not just annoying-- but I couldn't think of a way to say it that didn't sound like I was completely full of myself, and Mistake's friend doesn't know me well enough to understand that I have "obnoxiously low" self esteem and this is kinda exciting for me.

Oh well. We're going to the mall tomorrow, I'll mention it then.