Conclusion-- I think

First of all, I'm on medication again, and I will be seeing a doctor back in Londonderry every two weeks until I can make an appointment with a psychiatrist. It's not ideal, but I don't have to see my creepy pediatrician doctor (I'm seeing one of the RNPs instead) and at least this means I can get my life/grades back on track in the meantime.

I also didn't go to class Thursday or Friday-- Friday because of the doctor's appointment, and Thursday because Wednesday night I had a bit of a breakdown and cried for several hours, and Ryter had to come get me and made me spend the night at his place so he could keep an eye on me and keep me company.

I feel bad for Ryter-- he's been trying so hard to help keep me stable and get me back on track, and meanwhile he's been having issues of his own, most recently the fact that his dentist crowned the wrong tooth, so he's going to have to deal with either forcing the dentist's office to make all the repairs free of charge as well as not charging him for the original crown, or else initiating a malpractice lawsuit. And he's been feeling like he shouldn't be complaining to me, despite the fact that I've told him it's okay, since I'm complaining to him. But he's been incredibly supportive and sweet, even if he was displeased that I asked for help from my mom rather than trying to pull through and do what was needed on my own.

I guess I should have, but I honestly didn't know what to do. The problem I have is that unlike Ryter, I never lived away from my parents until college, so my mom tended to just take care of all my medical stuff for me. Now I can make most appointments, but when I run up against a system I really don't understand, when I genuinely don't know what to do, I call her, and she can usually figure out something. Like in this case, having me go to a normal doctor's office not connected to the school, so they wouldn't just send me to the Mental Health Services people and make me wait. There's no way in hell I would have thought of that, because I didn't know that non-psychiatric doctors prescribed antidepressants. And next time I can do it on my own (if there is a next time, which I doubt).

It will take me a while before I can be fully independent. I expect to call my mom the first time I want to plan an elaborate Christmas dinner for my family and have it all ready at the same time, or if I'm the victim of fraud, because I've never experienced those kinds of things before. I mean, Ryter had to call his dad over the whole malpractice thing, partially due to the fact it's his insurance, of course, but also because it's just hard to know what to do in a situation you have never experienced before.

Next week, I'll call the psychiatrist in Dover and try to make an appointment, and also start calling around and trying to find a new therapist. There's one that is right next to campus and a very quick walk, plus she does Cognitive Behavioral Therapy which I am told might work well on me. If she's taking new clients that would be perfect. If not, I think my next option will probably be seeing one of the therapists who works in the same facility as the psychiatrist.

I have a plan. Plans are good.

And you KNOW this isn't helping my mood.

I failed a Calculus test today. I know I did. I studied all last night and afternoon, and I got in, and it was like I had never seen anything before. The questions were ten times harder than any sample problem we had done in class. I felt like I'd wandered into the wrong math test.

The biggest problem with my lack of understanding is I don't actually understand what it is I'm not understanding. So I can't ask for help, since professors won't accept "I have no idea what I'm doing wrong," they want you to have actual questions when you go to them. I don't have questions because I don't understand anything, I basically need someone to sit with me and walk me through everything we have learned until I can actually figure out what the hell I'm doing wrong, then explain to me how I can do it right, and give me practice problems and make sure I am doing them right as I go.

I also need someone to explain to me how it is that I am walking into a test feeling completely prepared, like I really know the material, and then realizing that I actually haven't a clue.

I only ever had one math teacher who was willing to actually give me what I needed to stay on track in her class, and she was my high school algebra and algebra II teacher. Only good math teacher I ever had. That's what I need for Calculus, but unfortunately, my high school math teacher devoted several hours a day before and after school when I was in trouble, and also was just really good at explaining things so I could understand them. I really really doubt my Calc professor's going to want to do that, and besides, he's got a really heavy Chinese accent and I can't always understand him.

Meanwhile I managed to get a C- on a Genetics test, one I actually thought I was going to do WELL on, because I studied on my own and with Libentra and I understood all the concepts we went over. And Organic, naturally, is still a disaster; my highest quiz grade was a 60% and the other two have been in the 30% range.

I am completely incompetent and idiotic. I'm gonna wind up kicked out of the Honors program, and I'll have to take these classes again, and I'll probably fail them again. I can't ask for help because I don't actually know what to ask, and they aren't going to accept "I just don't get it." And no matter how much I study, how confident I am, I still walk into exams and don't understand anything. It's not that I brainfreeze, it's not that I don't study, it's not even that I don't attend classes. I just don't GET... something. I don't even know what I don't get.

I think there's a Math Center that may be able to help with the Calculus, but I don't know what to do about the Organic. I really need a tutor, but the school doesn't really offer them for that level. Maybe my professor can tell me where to go.

My life is a never-ending parade of cleaning supplies and computers

Grades came in the other day.

Latin, A; obviously. Ecology, Biostats and Orgo Lab, all Bs. And then, the C in Organic-- but you know, I passed, and I can continue. And I won't let it get to me. No matter how irritated my dad is.

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My grandmother is still up; this means I am sleeping on the couch downstairs on weekends and cleaning the house pretty much nonstop. Between cleaning, promises to help people move/unpack/pack up their room/etc, and assorted parties, plus the primary next week (I have to go to Durham, that's where I'm registered), I won't have time to sit and breathe for a week. I'm already struggling to find time to see Bisobrina, who had a mental breakdown and was hospitalized and is now at home recovering; I also want to go see Vivacia sometime soon, to give her my Christmas gift to her, give her mother a bag of romance novels that is sitting in my car, and hopefully sit and talk for a while. You know, relax, the thing I'm supposed to be doing on vacation?

I really wish I could spend more time with Vivacia. It bugs me that we don't see each other as much. But the trouble is, Ryter's available online from 9 AM to 10 PM with very few times away from his computer; planning stuff with him is beyond easy, and most of the time when we get together it was his idea. Vivacia, to compare, has a very busy life and spends a small to moderate amount of time on AIM, usually while studying. And I am phenomenally lazy, so the extra effort to track her down and find a common time, or even just keep calling her until I find a time when she's able to pick up the phone, tends not to get done. I guess I'm a bad friend for that. But you know, I've always been an introvert; I've always needed other people to plan things and get me out of my hole.

I should call her tomorrow.

Quizzical

Today in Biostats my professor gave a quiz.

Yes, the day before Thanksgiving. It was a bonus quiz. Merely for showing up, we get an extra 5 points on the next test; for filling out the quiz correctly, we get 10 points; for filling it out correctly and turning it in in the first 15, we get 15 point.

Plus, he added, "Anyone who showed up today has a guaranteed C or higher in this class, whatever your grade was before." He paused as we cheered. "You know why I do that right? You know the Cistern of Doom?" The Cistern of Doom is what he called the bottom like, 7 kids who haven't dropped the class but have less than 20% total grade in it. "All those Cistern of Doom kids, I guarantee you, did not show up today."

From the back of the class, we heard: "Uh... I did..."

Much laughter, cheering and applause. That kid? Luckiest. Guy. Ever.

Anyway, he tells us to flip over the quiz and begin. First line: "Be sure to read the whole quiz before answering any questions."

When I was in second grade, on April First, my teacher gave us the biggest test we'd ever seen. Same first line. I got about 40% of the way through, about to where the Calculus questions began, when she collected them. She then told us that the last line-- which NO ONE got to-- said, "Now, go back to the beginning, put your name on the top of the paper, and don't answer any of the questions before you turn it in."

So I checked the last line. "Do questions 2, 14, and 15 only. Score.

Question 2: Put your name on the page.
Question 14: Say loudly, "I love Biostats!"
Question 15: If you read the last line before beginning, say "I have."

I turned it in, top 15 (I think, there were lots of papers everywhere) and looked around to see half my classmates filling the damn thing out.

Thank you Mrs. Patterson!

I did get to see Loquatia again, at dinner, so today wasn't all that bad.

I've been trying to regulate my caloric intake (the dining halls post nutrition facts this year). While good for teaching me to add large numbers in my head quickly, it is posing many challenges. Yesterday the challenge was my Latin teacher bringing in homemade baklava. Today it was the fact that it was a festival day and the special foods don't list nutrition facts. And then there was the caramel apple pie.

I suck at this. But I did at least manage only about 2400 calories yesterday, which considering that I estimate I burn 2800 (lots of walking around) is kind of good. My goal is 2000 a day.

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So yesterday I had recitation for Biostats. Determined not to be as confused as last time, I took copious detailed notes on my laptop, step-by-step instructions and a guide in Excel itself. At the end of the class, she handed back quizzes (I got a 59 on mine. Yikes) and I rushed to pack up and get mine before the crush of half the class (of 125) got theirs. I then went to Hoco and to Ryter's for the evening, watched the first season of Heroes and speculated wildly as to the nature of the next season (but it looks like there will be superhero-teen lovin', so it's gotta be fun).

Then I got home, opened my computer, received a "YOU HAVE FLAWS ON YOUR DISK" message, clicked "fix" and came back in five minutes...

It rebooted my computer. Completely. What's more, in my rush I neglected to actually save my notes, figuring they would be there when I next opened the laptop. I lost everything.

So I grabbed some stuff off the website and frantically IMed Maritima, who is also in Biostats, and asked her for help. She's basically walked me through half this stuff. My lack of notes made this assignment take me a total of five hours, four of which were spent on one problem which I couldn't figure out at all.

But thanks to Maritima and my willingness to accept defeat on one problem, it was finished in the end. Thank god.

The thing is, I like statistics in itself; I don't like the fact that my TA has a new baby so she doesn't give a shit about teaching us, or grading us. My last assignment? She didn't grade the graph because I put it on a separate page. I mean, come on. Take off a point if it bugs you. But don't just not grade it. She claimed that she couldn't find things so if she had to hunt for it she gave it a 0, but honestly, how hard is it to get to that question where the graph should be and read "See page 3," and turn to page 3, where the graph is?

And that's not all she did that on-- I got a sixty, seventy with scaling, and I bet if she had spent more than a minute on each paper I could have gotten at least ten points higher. And she didn't bother to tell me what I did wrong, either. I guess I have to guess.

She says repeatedly that she hates statistics, hates grading, won't come in except for her very limited office hours, and is only doing this for the money because of the baby and because she's a graduate student. Okay. I get that she needs money, but really. This is all my stats professor could find???

Bah...

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Meanwhile I am debating how to ask my dad for a small allowance so I can do fun things on the weekends sometimes, or go out to eat once in a while. I mean, he knows I can't work with school stuff, and I do like to do things for fun besides surf Fark, read blogs and pester Ryter. I think I'll ask for $15 a week but hope for $10 and settle for $5 if I must. $5 would mean I get to eat out once a month and go on an (inexpensive) trip once a month. $10 would mean the same but eating out twice a month, or saving it; $15 would mean I could actually save up some money for the holidays.

My biggest concern is that the geniuses at UNH decided this year that finals end the week before Christmas. My last one is the 21st. Sure, vacation lasts until the 21st of January but guess what? Stores don't need help in January. They need help in December. If I go to a store and say I can start work on the 26th they'll say, "Sorry, no can do." Last year TJ Maxx really didn't need me after the ninth.

So that means I won't make any money at all over the winter break, and I don't really know what to do. I need a source of income, but I don't have the time to work during the year... The only thing I can think of is baby-sitting, but I hate, hate, hate advertising myself as a baby-sitter, and I don't really know any families in the area. Financially, I am screwed unless Daddy gives me an allowance.

He probably will understand. So what is my concern? I bet he ties it to my grades, as in, "Get a B or higher or the money goes away." And seeing as I am in Organic and Biostats, that means that it may very well go away and I'm screwed again.

Maybe if I suggest that I may need to take a year off and work otherwise... The only thing worse for Daddy than failing grades would be skipping a year. Something about "never going back."

Sheldon is always appropriate.

Today is a day honoring Mens, who is the goddess of the mind and consciousness, and if your first thought was of menstruation, don't worry, it was mine too.

If not, then, uhm... You heard nothing.

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Not much to say today, as it's late. I just got back from Ryter's at 1, we watched Deep Impact and Volcano, both of which boast minimal science (well, Deep Impact is at least mildly feasible, if incredibly unlikely), and generally rotted our brains, then repaired them with a deep and meaningful discussion.

Report: I got a 75 on the ACS exam, so I have an 86 in Chem lecture. I will take the final but I won't study for it until after my Bio test on Thursday.

I got a 97 on the Bio presentation today. Thus, clearly, it went well. Hilarious, but some of the kids read off note cards the whole time so we lost some points. At least everyone showed up and was prepared, and I collected the bills from everyone and my professor had me distribute the repayment, which was in Sacajawea and Susan B. Anthony dollars. This made me giggle, and think of this:



He's also decided the test will be open note, but no handouts allowed. Alas, the margins of my handouts is where I took my notes, so I have to recopy stuff.

Now, the bed calls to me....

I had really good ravioli for lunch today

It's the Agonalia Indigeti, today, which was celebrated four times a year (January, March, May, and December). The thing about the Agonalia is all the Romans knew was they were to publicly sacrifice a ram. They didn't know why, or to whom. Just that they were supposed to do it. Which makes it one of the more ridiculous holidays.

It's also the Septimontium, a festival celebrating the wall that was built around all seven hills of Rome.

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Two nights ago I blogged about people criticizing overweight people and telling them to just "diet and exercise" like it was the easiest thing in the world. I guess now I'm going to tell the other extreme. Have you ever read a pro-ana website? It's ridiculous. You think, god, these girls can't be for real; even if they think about it, surely they won't admit it. You tell me you're 5'9" and 100 lbs, and all you ate today was a half an apple and a bite of turkey, and you're so mad that you had to gain ten pounds because your boyfriend told you he'd break up with you if you didn't start taking better care of yourself? Honestly.

The trouble with either eating disorder- overeating or undereating- is that in this modern day and age, you can find someone who celebrates your unhealthy body. There are support groups for overweight people, telling them to celebrate themselves as Big Beautiful Women, ignoring the fact that they are at a greater risk of many illnesses. "Society is being spiteful," they say, "and refuses to accept us because we don't fit their standard of beauty, and won't diet away our lovely extra pounds."

My father always said the most basic, universal standard of beauty was health. That's why most guys like girls who are thin, but not thin enough that their bones show in weird places. That's why big boobs and some junk in the trunk is sexy. And that's why the number one standard of beauty is good skin. You will never find a website support group saying "Society is being spiteful, and refuses to accept us because we don't fit their standard of beauty, and won't wash our skin once a day to chase away our lovely acne."

Health and weight, though, poses a problem. What's healthy? Used to be weight was a sign that you ate well enough, so weight was beautiful. Now, most people in this country can get a decent amount to eat, but we've discovered the health problems associated with being fat, so thin is in. None of this changes the fact that absolutely no fat is as unhealthy as a lot of it is. Beauty is being at your ideal weight. Not too thin or too heavy. And your ideal weight is not what you think would be a good weight to be, but rather what your doctor tells you it should be. My doctor tells me to lose a few pounds. Thus, I'm overweight. If your doctor tells you you could stand to put some meat on your bones, you could.

Look, there is nothing sexy about a preteen body with bones jutting out at weird angles. These girls set ridiculous goals and then proudly boast their accomplishments before deciding that that was easy enough, they can go further, further... And when someone tries to intervene, they say, "Society is being spiteful," they say, "and refuses to accept us because we don't fit their standard of beauty, and won't force-feed ourselves until we swell up like a balloon." Or my favorite, "They're just jealous of my body."

It seems that whatever your body type, they're jealous of it. They want to be big and beautiful, and be able to eat whatever they want without caring that they're heavy. They want to be supermodel thin, and look like the girls in the fashion magazines. Well, kids, I hate to break it to you. I don't want to look like that. I want to have muscles; a toned stomach, nice arms, great legs. I also want to hide my ribcage and keep my breasts. I want to look- and feel- healthy. I know what that means for me. Do you?

Weight is not about self-image, honestly. If you listen to your doctor, and stick within what he recommends, you're fine. I'm sick of people criticizing society for not letting them stay at an unhealthy weight. Yes, it's your body, and your choice. But if your eating habits are incredibly, obviously unhealthy- or if you're in a chat room telling everyone that you're anorexic or that you're a compulsive eater, then people have the right to point it out, if they're nice about it. Especially your doctor- he doesn't just have the right, he has the responsibility.

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That said: Being thin does not mean you're anorexic. Plenty of people are a little underweight because of their metabolism, but anorexia is when they're not trying to stay at a doctor-recommended weight. And while I've never been on this side, as far as I can tell, the only thing that compares to the challenge of loosing weight it gaining it if you have a fast metabolism. There are people who eat until they feel like they're going to explode and they can't stay at a healthy weight. There is a physical limit to how much people can eat, and these people have to push themselves past it every day. I feel bad for them. I swear that's not even a joke, can you imagine having to eat, eat, eat once your stomach already felt hard and dense as a rock? Besides, when you gain weight, you feel gross and sluggish even if your body needs it, because it's just not used to the change.

I admit, I make anorexia jokes about girls who are very thin. I'd never do that if I really thought they were ill, but that doesn't make it any more fair that I joke about anorexia but get mad if people joke about weight. The trouble is, we live in a world where a joke about someone being bone-skinny is not seen as being nearly as mean as making a joke about them being overweight. But I'm getting better. I don't make those jokes nearly as much. It's been nearly two months, I think, since I made one, besides the occasional benign "you're so skinny" comment or getting mad at a girl if she claims she's fat when her diameter is half of mine, which is really more of a "remember who you're talking to" comment than anything else.

I'm not perfect. I know what I should do, and I try, but I make a LOT of mistakes. Which is why I have so few friends.

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Meanwhile, one of those few friends- actually, a guy that I barely consider my friend anymore, since I haven't seen him since graduation and wasn't really planning to make an effort to see him again,informed me today that he wants to meet so he can give me my Christmas present. Uhm... what? We barely spoke all senior year, we haven't really been what I'd classify "friends" since the beginning of junior year... why is he giving me a gift? Honestly, does he even know me well enough to get me something I'd like? Meanwhile this means (it was expressly implied) that I have to get him a gift, too. And I haven't a CLUE what to get him (See gift idea #1 at right). I don't usually buy my friends Christmas gifts except for Mistake, because I've known her for so long she might as well be family. But I mean, if asked, I would have described Mack as my best friend last Christmas, and I didn't get him a gift, at least not one specifically tailored to him. And this year, it's a small gift for Mistake as always, and nothing for the rest of them unless it's something they can eat. I might bake cookies or something. The point is to make a gift they won't feel bad about accepting if they didn't get me anything, and I don't expect them to get me anything.

So it's actually more of a problem than a benefit for me. Because he doesn't know me well enough to get me something I need, so I'm guessing it's either something that's obviously related to something I'm interested in, or it's just a really bad gift.

And what do I get for him? I haven't a clue what he's interested in, and I'm not about to spend more money on him that I spend on a girl I've been friends with since kindergarten, so that leaves me with a pretty small budget. Grr...

I might check the stocking-stuffer bin at the Discovery Store to see if they have anything really inexpensive that's still cool. Dammit, though, this complicates life!

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Exam #1 is over. Bio is out of the way. Loquatia and I studied together, and we explained to each other what we didn't understand, so it was really helpful. I think I did okay. My guess is 90%, maybe 85% if we were studying something wrong or if he's really picky.

And I got an 81% in Bio lab, and an 80% in Chem lab, both a lot better than I feared, so that's good.

Tomorrow: Latin. Not too much of a concern. Then Chem on Thursday, which is a concern- a HUGE concern.

And I still need to pack up for the break. Hmm.

Well, study-break's over. Back to work for this grade slave.