"Just because you get inspiration out of it doesn't mean that inspiration went into it." ~Hemingway

I have some things I'm afraid of that are rational. Things like car accidents or getting sick. But I've noticed something-- rational fears aren't the ones people think about all the time. It's the irrational ones that always pop into our heads.

Or maybe we notice them more because they ARE so ridiculous. But either way, I catch myself worrying about irrational things way more than rational ones.

I'm afraid that people can see me through pictures of them. Like, if I have a photo of someone on my desk, they can see me through the eyes of their photo-self. This even applies to magazine covers. Consequently, all the photos in my room face away from my bed, so that the people in them aren't watching me sleeping. If they do face the bed, they face the foot of the bed, where the curtain blocks the view (I have a four-poster bed). I turn magazines over if they have a person on the cover whose eyes I can see-- if their eyes are closed in the picture, they can't see me. One exception to this is my picture of Ryter and me, which sort of vaguely faces my bed, but not the head of it. I try to overcome this fear, as it is rather annoying to have to find just the right location in my room to get dressed in. But I still turn pictures around sometimes.

My other irrational fear comes up any time I either have weird food cravings, gain weight in my abdominal area, or have my period a little later than I expected. I have this irrational fear that I am pregnant. This would not be irrational were it not for the fact that I am not having sex, thus, pregnancy would be highly unlikely. I suppose it's conceit on my part, clearly, I am saintly enough to deserve the next Immaculate Conception; but still. I fight the urge to take a pregnancy test despite KNOWING I cannot, can NOT be pregnant. When I do finally become sexually active, I will make sure to inform everyone, so that they can buy stock in pregnancy test manufacturers, because I guarantee that no amount of oral contraceptives or condoms will prevent me from peeing on that stick every few mornings.

Does anyone else have any irrational fears?

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I saw No Reservations with Shrewd tonight. It was a very good movie, and if you like chick flicks you'll like it. If you like chick flicks and cooking, you'll love it. Shrewd adored it; then again, for dinner tonight for just the two of us (my parents have thankfully gone to to the Cape for two weeks and the Brother is in California with his drum corps), she made salmon with cheese polenta topped with tomato and orange pepper sauce, and spinach on the side.

I love it when my sister cooks, she's so much better at it than I am. Plus I always feel like I'm in some schmancy bistro, except the cook eats with me and monopolizes the conversation, and I have to help clean up afterwards.

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New additions to the blogroll!

The Comics Curmudgeon is a very funny blog about newspaper comics and how ridiculous they are. Check it out.

I've also been reading The Dilbert Blog, which is by Scott Adams, creator of the Dilbert comics, and is also quite funny but also often philosophical in nature.

And then there's the perennial geek favorite, Wil Wheaton's Blog.

I've also discovered Rock, Paper, Scissors, Gun, a very well-written personal blog that I've been checking out lately.

Then there's two blogs written by medical types, one by a med student called More Cowbell, and the other by a doctor called Doctor Anonymous.

And finally, another personal blog by someone who can actually write, called Living with Multiple Personalities. Check 'em out!

Resistans Inutile Est.

Still the Ludi Cereri... Man, this is a long holiday.

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I get to retake the Biology test that I failed! Awesome. Except now I have to study for it. But at least I won't have a big F dragging down my grade. My professor was very understanding.

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It's Floor Wars in Hubbard this week. I haven't been participating on account of I don't feel like spending several hours every night watching people make fools of themselves right when I'm busiest. Besides, with everyone down at Floor Wars I have the 3rd floor lounge all to myself, which is AWESOME.

Although I did see one guy on my floor wander down in makeup, a green skirt, and a pick sweater through which you could see his nipples (dark skin + thin, light-colored sweater = transparency). So tonight's show was probably interesting, to say the least.

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I'm not sure if I should put her in the blogroll or not, but I have to say, Annie Angel has to be my favorite ideological nut on the internet. If you've never heard of her, read her now-infamous "How To Be A Good Christian Wife". It's so incredibly ludicrous.

And that's the beauty of her writing-- no one can figure out if she's being serious or not. As far as I can tell, she really is a Christian and a conservative; but the humor she uses in her pieces, in addition to the fact that she's clearly educated to some degree and using the internet to learn more-- I've lost the link, now, but she was on a anarchy/communism/etc forum asking to learn more. My guess is that she's exaggerating her views to make people think and to share thoughts she might have that you can't say when you aren't anonymous. You do have to notice that the extremist articles tend to get the most comments and readers. She's certainly well known, to the point where she shows up on a forum and people start posting the most extreme points they can find from her blog to flame her.

So why do I like someone who comes across as racist, religiously bigoted, and sexist? Because she's funny, and because she's presenting extreme versions of what some people really believe, so it makes me think. Plus, inadvertently or not, she makes some interesting points about women in Christianity-- namely, if one is a "true Christian" and female, then what about all the writings that say that women need to be subservient to men and honor their husbands as they would Christ and all that jazz? The "Good Christian Wife" post presents an interesting point-- that's basically what some of the New Testament is telling women to do. But Jesus himself (for the sake of argument, let's say he existed; I think he did live and preach, though I don't think he was the son of God) had an unmarried woman in his inner circle (Mary Magdalene-- unless you think she was his wife, but either way she was one of his closest followers and not exactly shunted into the background). He wasn't particularly adverse to women, that was Paul and Peter. Paul wrote it down and Peter put it into the church itself.

So the question arises-- can women be equals in faith? Jesus thought so. Paul and Peter disagreed. But if the Bible is the literal Word of God, then literalist Christians have to believe Paul, and any woman who is independent or a working mom or just not willing to make their husband a nice glass of fresh orange juice every morning is technically going against her faith.

This is why I believe all faiths are composed of truth, filtered through the eyes of those who cannot comprehend it. The trick is to filter through all the different beliefs and figure out what's a true message and what's just interpretation on the part of the messengers.

There should be more Star Trek drinking games. "Hot alien chick hit on Trip- take a drink!"

I woke up really, really late today; like, two in the afternoon, and then I started to read and the next thing I knew it was four in the afternoon and I hadn't done a single thing all day. Oops.

Today I got my laundry done and I sort of picked up, a little bit, but most of my limited day was devoted to talking to Writer Guy online (yes, again) and then watching Enterprise reruns on SciFi. Because I'm so productive...

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So... funny little story... I was talking to Writer Guy on the phone for two hours on Saturday night (because my internet connection was down, I don't normally subject my parents to crazy phone bills), and besides the fact that The Brother was very irritated that my long conversation meant he couldn't talk to his girlfriend, something interesting came up in conversation.

Namely, my "online persona." Basiorana, that is. The name that I use in online forums and on my blog-- basically, anytime you see "Basiorana" anywhere on the internet it's me, and the same is true for my alternate identity (an older one), Zennybee. Writer Guy, like so many before him, was curious as to what "Basiorana" meant.

Well, you may know that it is from the Latin words "basio," meaning "I kiss," and "rana," meaning "frog," coming from my blog title and the old fairy tale, which is one of my favorites. But how, exactly, do you tell someone that your internet persona means "I kiss the frog" when they are someone that you may very well be kissing in the future? It was weird enough telling Mack.

My explanation was rather convoluted and sounded a bit like a lesson in Latin grammar with a few mumbled references to fairy tales...

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Since I don't have anything interesting to say on my own I've decided I should probably update my Readings and add some other blogs you should check out. Plus delete the ones that haven't had anything posted in a long enough time that I think they've been abandoned.

But yes, some new people to check out: First, there's EDog's Everything Page, which is the life blog of the dude who does the very funny webcomic Adventures of the S-Team, which has superheroes and robots and aliens, recently, so it's very funny. Anyway, I feel kind of bad that it took me so ridiculously long to figure out that he had a life blog too, in addition to the blog about the comic... but yeah. Oh well.

Another addition: Sam Girl, who hails from South Africa, which honestly feels a lot farther away to me than it actually is... But then again I tend to think of Russia as farther away than Australia, so clearly my sense of distance is a little wonky.

I Am 50% Left Brained, 50% Right Brained

The left side of the brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning. Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others. My left brain's influence makes me fairly logical and prefers dogs, reading, and quiet. The right side of the brain is all about creativity and flexibility. Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way. Since I'm half right brained, I likely have a talent for creative writing and art. My right brain prefers day dreaming and philosophy.

Are You Right or Left Brained?

"The greatest danger could be your stupidity."

Some cool new links! Cute Jewess is a blog all about dating and life in general; more single-girl antics over at This Fish Needs A Bicycle. For weird stories, gadgets, and random stuff, check out Odd Planet; and for a mildly disturbing and yet often hilarious view of what college would be like if I went to LMU and if I wasn't... well... me, there's You Are Sketch. Check 'em out!

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Most of today was devoted to my Chemistry paper, which was miserable, on account of it being a four person project that I basically did alone. I didn't do all the research, but I was doing all the writing... Maritima sent her section, and was helping me, but one of the other girls sent me one sentence and the other waited until an hour before the class started to send her part. Grr. I did have time to do some last-minute English homework, though, which was good because it was already a day late.

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I went to the "Secrets" show put up by Christian Impact with Loquatia. Basically everyone's been writing secrets on little cards and putting a picture with them, and the end result gets put up in this gallery f secrets. It's all anonymous, of course. I'd say the most common secrets were:

-like to sleep naked (uhm, yeah, why is that a secret? who cares?)
-wish that someone thought they were beautiful
-masturbate
-doubt the existence of God/doubt their faith

But there were some that were less common, like liking it when a relative touched them inappropriately or told someone they were Christian to get into their pants. I'd guess the most common was the wanting to feel beautiful, though. I can understand that sentiment, I was going to do it myself except it's not really a secret that I want to feel beautiful. I don't have many secrets, and the ones I do have are scary enough that I refuse to admit them even to myself.

After we saw the gallery, Loquatia introduced me to her CI friends. Everyone was really nice, though I was still uncomfortable because they were people, after all (Some were boys, too, compounding the problem). It's mildly depressing to hang out with CI kids though because it kinda just reminds me that there is a definite social circle that you can get though being part of a religion-- any religion, just not Christianity-- and those are the people that are nice, clean-cut, and friendly. Well, usually. It kind of makes me sad that I won't really ever have that kind of social network that Christian, Jewish, and, in certain areas, Muslim people have just for being involved in their faith.

Oh well. It's kinda hard to join a group called "Christian Impact" if you aren't Christian and half the time you don't even like their impact.

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Ugh. I promised my RA that I'd write about a "defining moment" in my life for the next issue of our bathroom newspaper, the Hub'Bub. Alas, it appears that my life is ill-defined, as I can't come up with a single moment that doesn't involve talking about my depression. It appears I am not defined by happy moments. I don't know if he wants me to do something upbeat or if talking about depression is okay, but even then, chances are this is going to be the first time most of these people even hear (er, read) my name. Do I really want anyone to associate me with depression?

I think I might want to do when I overcame my fear of death. Does that sound defining?

How I Am In Love

I take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time. I give completely and unconditionally in relationships. I tend to get very attached when I'm with someone. I want to see my love all the time. I love my partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change. I stay in love for a long time, even if I'm not loved back. When I fall, I fall hard.

How Are You In Love?

"Win as if you were used to it, lose as if you enjoyed it for a change"

For a cool read, check out Slightly Drunk, a blog about the misadventures of a guy whose life seems to be most unfortunate-- but very amusing to those who don't have to live it themselves. Not entirely sure he doesn't deserve some of it, but regardless, you should check him out because it's funny, unusual, and contains few grammatical errors. I love it when bloggers know how to write.

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Deandron amuses me. He's seen me like four times since I got the crutches, and the first time I was headed down the hall towards my room. Deandron's in the lounge, so his door faces straight down the hallway, and his desk is right there-- so he heard the "tch-tch" noise as I headed down the hall and glanced over, went back to what he was doing, then did a total double take, stared at me, then waved. I waved back.

I've passed him a couple times since then and it's always just "hi," like usual, then today he stopped me in the dining hall as I hobbled around on one crutch to get some juice. "Hey," he said, "I'm not sure what the tactful way to say this is, but what's with the crutches?" I made my best effort not to laugh at him, since I knew this whole time that he was curious about the crutches but I figured he just wasn't able to stop and talk. It's kinda funny to know that he was looking for the "tactful" way to ask about them. Is tact really necessary when asking why a person is on crutches? I mean, how does one ask that in a non-tactful manner? "Whoa, what'd you do, fall on your ass on the sidewalk?" That might not be tactful. Or, "Man, you must be reeeeeally clumsy!" But honestly, coming from Deandron, that would just make me laugh.

Maybe, "Haha, you're on crutches, sucks to be you!"

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What's really annoying about the knee is that this morning? It didn't hurt. Like, a little, but not that bad. After it was such a pain (literally) since Friday, I spend less than a day on crutches and it decides to get better? As much as I'd love to attribute it to the amazing healing powers of hobbling about, it started to hurt as soon as I started putting more weight on it and less on the crutches. Thus I have decided that that particular limb called in sick despite the fact that it is perfectly okay and just wants to have a week's vacation, so it may sit back and go fishing or something without having to do silly, mundane things like dance or do yoga or bear weight. At this point the right leg has figured out this sweet deal Left Leg's come up with, and it's starting to complain about how the extra work is SO HARD and it's gonna need to call in sick soon, too, it's feeling a little poorly.

Meanwhile my arms are just demanding to know why the heck they have to work overtime just because Left Leg's on vacation.

I missed the call from the doctor today that would have told me the results of the X-ray and the anemia test that they did while I was there, and while I'm not really worried-- I think I'd feel it more if it was a break, even if it was just a fracture, and I actually haven't taken my iron pills in months so I will be stunned if the anemia magically went away-- I find it annoying that the confidentiality business means they can't even leave me a message saying "You're fine!" Instead I have to call them back tomorrow-- not today, they have annoying hours-- and meanwhile my inner hypochondriac is saying "You broke your kneecap! You dislocated something! You have bone necrosis like in your mom's hip and will need a new knee! You have... uhm... cancer! Yeah, that's it!"

That's why I strongly dislike my inner hypochondriac and try to smack him around whenever he acts up. Pesky little bugger.

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Today was my first group therapy session for the semester. The group's very different this semester-- The guy who runs it says that there's three of us who are coming from the last group, but the other two were both missing today and may or may not come next week. The group seems less likely to gradually loose members like last time, at least-- everyone seemed really into it, and willing to talk, and I'm pretty sure only one or two of us were pressured into it by psychiatrists and/or police officers (It's frustrating because I signed a confidentiality notice so I'd feel bad talking about some of the... characters I've met, even with no names or identifying features). Seriously, though, everyone seems nice, and very talkative for a group about difficulty communicating.

The problem is, once again, everyone's there because they have issues saying no, or issues talking about their feelings, or resolving conflict. I mean, I'm not the only one with issues with small talk and general sociability, but I'm one of maybe two. And while I have issues talking about serious matters so people don't get offended, seeing as I have the social sensitivity of a partially digested sock, my main problem-- just getting up the nerve to talk to people at all-- will likely not be addressed sufficiently. Plus there's the fact that once again, there are attractive guys in the group-- more than last time, even-- which means that I can't mention the fact that the only thing worse than small talk is small talk with attractive guys.

I at least brought up my inability to make eye contact or say hi with people unless they address me first, so everyone will understand why I don't greet them if they pass me on the sidewalk. I forgot to do that right away last semester and I'm pretty sure I insulted someone by not acknowledging them. This is the only place I can declare my social fallacies before they affect my social interactions and I totally intend to take full advantage of that fact...

I Am 92% Pure

I'm so innocent, it's almost like I'm not human. Taking this test is probably the naughtiest thing I've done in a while. Well, this is depressing.

How Pure Are You?