Rough Day

I am my own person. I have a personality that is unique, and is no more influenced by others than anyone else's except in the fact that I am more open minded than many.

Why is this so hard to believe?

First, tonight, I was informed that I am gullible. Impressionable. Easily swayed by the will of others. I have no personality of my own, and I simply absorb the personalities of those around me. This will, inevitably, wind up with me becoming an apprentice to a serial killer, joining a cult, or killing myself when a man breaks up with me.

This was informed to me by my parents.

And then, when I sought validation that this was not the case from my significant other, I was informed that it was a "reasonable concern" on their part. In fact, said significant other in the past has expressed concerns about my lack of my own personality and the fact that I seem to simply become whatever those around me are.

I AM NOT GULLIBLE.

No, I don't have a unique fashion sense, so yes, I wear whatever people around me who I care about the opinion of tell me looks good. Want to know why? Because I DON'T CARE WHAT I LOOK LIKE, as long as I am not revealing too much for my personal comfort, I feel comfortable, and those around me consider me attractive. You know what else? I don't have a favorite color, really. I wear red because people tell me red looks good on me. So I say it's my favorite color because I wear it all the time. In truth, I don't give a shit what color I am wearing unless it is purple. I don't like purple.

So I'm not a fashion horse. I don't care if I express myself through my clothes. So what? I still want to look attractive, naturally, so I wear clothes that other people tell me look good. When I valued my mother's opinion on my appearance the most (read: no friends), I dressed as she wanted me to. When I valued my peers' opinion the most, I dressed as Vivacia wanted me to. Currently, the only person who I want to find me attractive is Ryter. So SURPRISE, I wear what Ryter says looks good. Do I have to have a fashion sense to be my own person?

And yeah, I listen to metal a lot now that I am dating him. I also still listen to country, and pop, and emo. Around him, I listen to metal most of the time because I don't want to subject him to music he doesn't like. I also listen to it on my own. Because he introduced me to metal. The truth is, I like music that has an effect on me. Metal has an effect on me emotionally. The music is emotional. For country and pop, the lyrics make me think, especially with story songs. For emo and some pop, I can't understand the lyrics anyway so I use it as background noise because it's not distracting. Different music serves different functions for me, just because I was introduced by someone in particular doesn't mean I am influenced by them, it means I share their taste in music.

My politics have always been my own. No influence there, at least not recently. Ryter and I disagree on McCain vs. Obama. He doesn't share the importance I put on sex education, science education, available and safe birth control and a reformed healthcare system. When it comes to politics, we have different priorities. I have different priorities from most people in my life.

And yes, I changed my career goal from "doctor" to "ecologist." Part of that was admittedly Ryter, in that I chose to become a doctor when I was convinced that no one would ever love me so it wouldn't matter that I wasn't going to be financially stable enough to have children until my eggs started to churn out clunkers. I have since realized that medicine is probably not the ideal career for me because I actually will be able to have children with a guy I love some day, and I'd like to do it before I am 30. In addition, it was pointed out to me that I don't handle stress well and I don't function well on very little sleep, and I'd like a career where stress on the job means a few weeks of studies get derailed instead of a person dies and then I lose my license because of malpractice.

Also, I hate willfully ignorant people. I'm not talking about people who have no access to education, that's not their fault and I can't hate them for that. I'm talking about people who are presented with evidence and ignore it or disparage it to fit their preconceived notions. I hate Creationists, and anti-vaccinationists, and HIV denialists. I hate anarchists and communists and fascists, and freegans and vegans (well, religious/moral vegans who don't try to pretend it's healthier or more natural are okay). I hate people who believe telling kids about birth control will make them have sex and people who believe kids who don't have sex education don't have sex. I hate people who think America has the best healthcare system in the world when that only applies to people who have good health insurance coverage, and everyone else gets screwed, resulting in our average life expectancy being lower than most developed nations (I will concede that for those with good insurance, it's probably the best you can get). I hate people who refuse to see reason under any circumstances because it contradicts what they want to believe.

This would not work well in medicine. I think I would stab a scapel into the heart of the first person I met who insisted vaccines were wrong while their toddler was in agony with pertussis. Not good for business.

This does not mean Ryter is controlling me. It means that I am learning who I am. Ryter doesn't care if a mother he doesn't know doesn't vaccinate their child. I do. It just happens that much of my self-discovery is coinciding with when I met Ryter.

I have a personality. I am both compassionate and passionate about causes I believe in. I am fiercely loyal to those who are loyal to me and I want to help everyone who cannot help themselves, and some who will not help themselves. I care intensely about the world around me and want to make a difference, and yet I know I am powerless in many ways, which disturbs me. I am silly and goofy at times, and angry at others. I am slow to warm up to people but will share anything once I am warmed up.

I like music that isn't rap, I like clothes that make me look beautiful to the man I love. I like dancing and singing, which I don't indulge in much for others' sake because I am not very good at either. I love to cook and love to see people appreciating food I have prepared for them. I love to learn about the medical world and read about the environment I would not do well in and yet can appreciate on an intellectual level. I like biological sciences and puzzles of biology and learning how the mind works. I like dark humor but not embarrassment humor, and I like good wordplay. I like technology and imagining the world of the future, I like anthropology and the history of human evolution, I like weird, rare languages and uncontacted peoples.

I like the outdoors. I like hiking and swimming and camping and skiing an riding horses on trail rides, but not in a ring. I like animals and plants and interesting fungi and stargazing and the process of forest decomposition and regrowth and encouraging life to grow on a petri dish, in a cage, in a garden, whatever. I like obscure and ugly animals and anything that lives it's life in the dark. I love viruses, as long as I don't have them.

I like to track diseases and find the patient zero and where they got it from, I like to rant about the way things should be versus the way they are versus the way they will be. I like drawing and sculpting and writing and attempting to recreate the images I see in my head for those around me, and for my own future reference. I like learning about religion and myth and why it exists and what it teaches us, and considering what my own beliefs are. And yes, I am a raunchy person and have my own likes and dislikes there too.

I don't like being around people that much, and I need a lot of down time to process everything around me. I don't like when people criticize my beliefs or try to correct me when I am not right or wrong, simply in disagreement. I don't like crowds or mosquitoes or taking pills every day, or unapplied math or sleeping in the heat or any time the air does not move. I don't like being interrupted, cut off, not allowed to finish a thought, not allowed to take a breath in conversation for fear of that being the case, or when people misinterpret my words, which happens often because I have a tendency to use words in a manner which is slightly unlike their normal use and not even realize it. I don't like roller coasters, horror movies, sudden movement in a quiet area or being touched by anyone I am not very comfortable with.

Not one of the above is influenced by Ryter, or anyone else for that matter.

I'm sorry, world, but I don't understand what the problem is. I don't see where I lack personality. I often change what ASPECTS of my personality I present to people, which is something I am actively attempting to change and which action I believe is what is leading people to believe I myself am changing. Well, no, I am not. I am simply showing you the real me instead of the custom-made-for-you me.

I can recognize when a person is attempting to control me and I will cut them out of my life as needed. I usually recognize it when they start to resent positive changes in my life and when they resent efforts on my part to reveal my true self to them. I can't really cut my parents out of my life yet. But I can still limit their exposure to me because they are a negative influence on my life. I know my parents want to control me, consciously or not, for a simple reason: They are resenting the changes in how much of me they see.

So please. Stop telling me that I have no personality of my own. I have one. I have likes and dislikes and values and priorities and they are all mine. I can recognize attempts to control me and circumvent them, except as regards my parents. No one's gonna talk me into smoking a joint, joining a cult, or eating human flesh and the fact that I have almost no friends outside Ryter has nothing to do with Ryter and everything to do with the fact that I am too shy to make friends or maintain a large social circle. I have almost always had one friend and built all other friendships off that, and right now, it's Ryter. Is it ideal? No. But it will not change any faster if I am living on or off campus, if I spend more or less time with him, or anything else. The only way that will change is if I can convince myself I care enough to change it. I don't care enough about it right now, I'm more concerned with school and my health and doing things I enjoy to change something which, while annoying, is not impacting my life except as a nagging "probably should get around to that" thought in the back of my head.

And if I am talking and talking and don't make sense, please, for the love of all that is good in this world, BE PATIENT. I have a point. But I don't think in words and phrases and I am trying to make connections between my brain and my mouth and convey how I am thinking, but if you interrupt me, you break my train of thought and then I can't finish it. I do have a point, I will get to it, but I do not have the communication skills needed to do so quickly. Please, just... be understanding.

And more....

Ryter's not online and not answering his phone or cellphone, and it' pouring outside so I can't go anywhere. So I guess I can't do anything but write more.

Part of the problem I have is I feel like everyone is really judgemental of my relationship with Ryter. Like, my family like him, btu they don't seem to like that I am dating him, or at least they didn't like it at one point. And Vivacia and that group don't even seem to LIKE him. So I feel like any time I complain about some minor problem we're experiencing, they're going to chalk it up as another strike against him. I want them to like him, and like us and want us to be together. That's what I want and what makes me happy-- to be with him. But they seem more concerned about stupid little details than if I'm happy.

Like my dad, who seems to take offense to the fact that Ryter is still being supported by his dad. Despite the fact that Ryter and his dad have a very different relationship than Daddy has with any of us, and Ryter's dad decided a while ago that Ryter should get a chance to just write for a year after school, to get a shot at doing what he loves for profit. Basically, Ryter's dad deciding to support him for a year and let him work as a writer is the EXACT SAME THING as Daddy trying to get Shrewd to go to grad school and offering to support her through it so she could get a shot at her dreams. The only difference is Daddy only supports dreams that he approves of, like getting Shrewd a master's in math so she can teach, and not getting her a master's in history like she wants. Ryter's dad wouldn't support Ryter if becoming a writer was a hopeless long shot but it's NOT, Ryter's work is better than most of the stuff you can find in Barnes' and Nobles and he's very dedicated to it. Ryter's dad has simply decided that Ryter can pursue his own dreams, instead of what his parents want for him. Daddy could learn from that, but he won't.

And my mom, who, lacking anything else to complain about, has decided she doesn't like that Ryter has health problems. Like that he needs medication to sleep and he has bipolar disorder and anxiety issues. Because she's concerned that that would mean our children would be unhealthy. Of course, by that logic, she should be sabotaging any chance of romance that Shrewd ever has, because Shrewd's got a few health issues that can be passed genetically. Or even my own, because hey, I have unipolar depression and knee problems and a tendency towards obesity and a 50% chance that a kid of mine will have polycystic ovarian syndrome and will be infertile. For some reason she (and my grandmother too) seem to think that I should be choosing a guy based on their health. What they don't understand is that a) Ryter is far more emotionally stable than EITHER of them, my dad, my sister, OR me, despite his diagnoses; b) I can't sleep without meds half the time too; c) He is managing his health issues and mental issues and handles anything new as it comes up, so there won't be any nasty surprises; d) My daughters will have unipolar depression no matter WHAT because all the women in my family have it and I'd much rather raise them with a guy like Ryter who is supportive of mental healthcare, knows what warning signs to look for, and would help a kid get help early enough so that my children can be as stable and successful as him instead of emotional wrecks like my mom.

One of the reasons I left my last therapist was at one point I was really stressed out. Ryter was really sick and upset and needed me a great deal and I got kind of scared, I had this panic moment where I thought I needed to get out of the relationship. I get these all the time when I am with people, they are a problem with ME and not with the people I am with. It's because I can't trust people very easily, and this was before I was as close with Ryter as I am now. Anyway, I expressed both this "excape" feeling and that I also was feeling like I couldn't leave him because he needed me too much to my therapist and her immediate reaction was "get out now." She didn't try to figure out WHY I might be having this reaction, or have me talk to him or anything, she jsut told me to get out. I am SO glad I ignored that advice.

Ryter is a great guy. I know what issues my friends deal with with their S/Os and I have none of them. When I am upset, Ryter has NEVER brushed me off. He's always right there for me. When I need comfort, he's quick to provide. He gies me advice when I need it and doesn't when I don't; he rarely talks down to me and when he does, he realizes it and apologizes. He respects me, loves me, and treats me like I want to be treated. He's never hit me or verbally abused me; even if he says something as a joke he's quick to apologize after if he thinks it upset me. I look at the relationships my friends have had and I think, wow, I have it made. And yet my family and friends all seem to focus on whatever negatives they can find. He's too "metal" looking, he listens to the wrong kind of music, he needs to shave, he calls me too often and shouldn't need to talk to me every day (All of which are positives in my eyes. I love his beard and his music and his clothes and talking to him every evening). He needs to become independent of his dad, he has health problems (neither of which are hard to deal with and both of which he is working on, and the mental health issues are minor compared to your average American's issues). Once, just once, I want someone to meet him and see us together and say, wow, he seems like such a great guy, you guys are so cute together, I hope you last forever. But the only people who say that are his friends and family, never mine. And they wonder why I am drifting away from them.

I found the guy who is perfect for me. We work well together, we complement each other. We have a wonderful relationship, despite the ups and downs around us, and we're both so committed to making it work that I think we can weather anything. I will NEVER find a better guy for me than him. Such a guy simply does not exist, or if he does he's probably dating some movie star or millionaire's daughter. I love him and he loves me. Do we have issues? Sure. But I'd rather have our issues than anyone else's.

And all of this I could handle except for one thing-- the lack of approval from my family and friends is putting a strain on our relationship. It bothers both of us that I can't get anyone's approval and what's more, it bothers Ryter that I won't stand up to my parents and that I feel like I need their approval at all. But is it too much to ask that my family likes my boyfriend? Is it too much to ask that they want me to be with someone simply because it makes ME happy, not because he's someone THEY pictured me with?

And now I am put in an unfortunate position, because there is something they do not seem to understand-- if they force me to chose, I will chose him. I want them to care about me, and about him, and I want to stay close to them. But if I have to chose between my family and Ryter, Ryter comes first. I will sever all ties to them if that's what it takes to be with Ryter. But I really, really don't want to have to do that.

Hello again.

The trouble with relationships, at least real relationships, is that when one person gets upset, the other person gets upset.

Ryter's been having a rough time lately. His dad's worried about his job, plus he's remarrying so that's more expenses, and the fact that Ryter is still dependent is becoming a problem. This means Ryter needs to get a "real" job, ie, he needs to get a counseling job that will pay his bills. He won't be independent for a little while, but it will help out his dad. Unfortunately, this is coinciding with Ryter's own need to first of all finish the piece he's currently working on, which is very personal and very important to his understanding of both writing and of himself, and which is also something that is amazingly good and very marketable, so it's something he could make money off of. He's trying to finish it and write up his resume at the same time.

Meanwhile he's only recently (month or so ago) moved to his new place in Portsmouth, which is a great place but has a few issues (fridge randomly freezes things, bathroom drain doesn't work, toilet won't flush quite right, kitchen sink sprays you-- minor things; plus Loquelo still has a lot of Nonaestima's stuff, including her kitchen table). And his new roommate Nonaestima has just gotten back from Italy like... a week or so ago, and she recently had surgery so she can't lift anything heavy or stand very long so he's pretty much on his own dealing with the household issues AND helping her out.

Then to make matters worse, he's been trying to help me out. Because at this point I don't have any confidantes but him. I have a new therapist I'm just getting to know, since the old one wasn't working out. The psychiatric nurse is handling my meds and she's fine, but the therapist I'm not sure about yet, I've had a few red flags from her. Meanwhile I can't talk to or confide in my family. My mom can't handle my stress right now. She's getting her hip replaced (bone necrosis) on July 8th and I know she's scared and stressed out but she won't talk about it. Shrewd, meanwhile, has no job for the summer, no income, a potentially increasing rent on the house she's sharing with a couple people and has been forced to cut back on luxuries like food.

And I haven't heard from Vivacia in forever, and she's never really wanted to hear about my problems anyway. Especially not my problems of late. And Libentra and I were getting closer but we're not near confidante level and I don't really talk to her in the summer anyway.

So it's Ryter. He and his friends have become my sole social circle, and he has become the person I come to when I am hurt or sad or upset. Except that sometimes I am hurt or sad or upset about something with us or with him-- and then I keep it inside, or at least I did, until this weekend when I exploded disastrously and made his life a million times worse.

And he told me, trying to comfort me as I worried aloud about how he didn't need this right now, how he LIKED doing this, how this was what he wanted to do for a living, and don't worry, it was okay to confide in him and it might make him feel better. Except it didn't make him feel better to help me because my problems were with him.

They weren't BIG problems. They were minor complaints, blips in our relationship. But he's already stressed out and depressed and moody and to be told that even a small part of my recent misery was due to his actions was not good.

I want to support him. I want to be there for him. I want to be able to put him first, which I think is what he wants, he wants it to be all about him for just a little while instead of always being about me or Loquelo or Nonaestima. But he won't confide in me because he's worried about making my situation worse. And he doesn't want comfort or support, he wants to be left alone to write. So what can I do but leave him alone? But if I leave him alone, he worries about me and that's no good either.

I should be there. I should be living with him this summer, working in Portsmouth where there actually are jobs instead of here where I can't find employment at all and I'm trapped in my house. That way he could write and not worry about entertaining me, because I would be living there and should be able to entertain myself. That way I could help him with the rent once I had a job and I could help with Nonaestima's recovery and their household issues. And I wouldn't be paying $20 in gas each time I go to see him; instead I could visit my family once a month or so, if that. I have little desire to spend time with my family right now, as much as I know they need my help with Mummy getting the surgery.

I should be going to his gym that's within walking distance instead of forgetting to go to the one here that's a 20 minute drive. I should be there for him without him having to ask for me or adhere to my schedule of weekends with him, weekdays spent futilely jobhunting or doing odd jobs for cash.

But I can't stand up to my parents, so instead I am stuck here at home, and Ryter is miserable, I am miserable, and I don't know what to do about it.

Summer sucks.

Don't you hate days when everything goes wrong?

Perhaps it's no coincidence that my religious beliefs are so closely tied to the idea of guilt, because sometimes it feels like that is the emotion I feel the most, and most powerfully.

Right now Vivacia is upset with me because today we celebrated her birthday and I'm pretty sure I royally messed it up.

My parents are irritated because I saw them for the first time in weeks and I couldn't even let them take me to lunch or really do anything but talk to me for two minutes and then go.

Closer is probably more than a little pissed at me because I messed up his surprise that I didn't know about and that didn't happen anyway for reasons unrelated.

Ryter will probably feel like crap if/when he finds out about any of this because it's all tied up in his wanting to tag along and get to know everyone better.

I try to make everyone happy and this shit happens. If I don't try to make everyone happy they all get mad at me. I can't do anything right and I don't know why I bother to try.

I have 38 hours over the course of an entire week when I am not sleeping, eating, in class or doing homework. Of that there are actually only two blocks of time, Friday night and Saturday, when I am free from a long enough amount of time to make planning something feasible. Meanwhile Vivacia's usually on duty during those blocks Everyone wants my time, it seems, and half of them don't want my time with them to overlap with my time with anyone else. Ryter just wants me to spend time with him and he wants to spend time with Vivacia and Closer, but my parents think I need to spend more time studying or come home more often (my mom was upset that I didn't come home this weekend), and Vivacia wants me to spend time with her without Ryter being around.

I don't know. I posted more of this in my livejournal, because it's all very emo and LJ is better for being melodramatic.

I got really PO'd at my RA too, but she may actually deserve it.

Good news. I got an 82% on my Biostats exam. Now to get through the Ecology one Wednesday. But I'm much better at retaining things from that class, at least.

I also took a Latin test today, but I'm not too worried. It was just a translation. I think I may have tripped up in some places but they were minor mistakes-- I got the gist of it, and we had to paraphrase too. Not a terrible worry. Except I forgot to record the homework for that class, so now I have to admit to my professor that I spaced...

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I'm depressed right now, and I don't know why. I've been crying a lot, over anything, and I'm moody. Plus it feels like everything people do bothers me. Not irritable-bothers, but just makes me feel sucky and upset. I noticed it with Ryter tonight, though I was suppressing it because he's in a lot of pain lately and he doesn't need to deal with me being moody and emo. Hopefully it will go away soon.

Honestly, I think it's a yearly thing. As much as I love fall, every year-- perhaps due to the return to academia-- I get depressed for a month or so. I actually think it might be a good sign for my own health that I'm getting upset at other people instead of myself, though. I mean, I'm upset with myself, especially in terms of my weight and academic difficulties, but I'm ALSO getting upset with others, when previously I would just take all that emotion and turn it in on myself.

This annoyance at those around me, while potentially a good thing, is also a bad thing in that I won't be very fun to be around for a while, and in that I have to talk to my parents about the Thanksgiving issue this weekend-- specifically that Ryter really, really wants me to spend Thanksgiving with his family, and my family has been increasing the importance of Thanksgiving since Shrewd and I went away to school. Which means that I will have to have my mom explain that we're a little young to be sharing holidays that both families celebrate (his doesn't celebrate Christmas, so that doesn't count), and more specifically, that this is "all well and good to date him but it's not like you're going to marry the guy" which is the one statement that drives me NUTS lately and I get it ALL THE TIME from family.

Basically, what they are saying is, they want me to treat this like a college fling, a starter boyfriend. Which I would NEVER do and I would discourage others from doing, because it is cruel and manipulative. If we don't wind up together forever, that's okay. If we do, that's okay too. I don't know. But if I did that, I sure as hell would know how it would end, and it wouldn't be fair if he didn't.

I'm still debating whether or not to talk to Ryter about the things that are bothering me. On the one hand, maybe they are legit complaints. On the other, maybe I'm making them up because I'm depressed and moody. On the third, creepily dismembered hand of some dead hobo I found, he's got a lot to deal with right now and probably doesn't need this too...

My frustration knows no bounds.

So this morning I realized that I had left my purse in Ryter's car when he visited last night (that was fun, we made pizza and he was quite pleased when I told him "You can put anything on it" and even more so when I said, "Uh, sure, you can put crab meat on it..." Final result for me was mushrooms, black olives and smoked oysters. For Ryter, it was Mexican taco cheese, onions, goat's cheese, a little bit of cheddar, anchovies, and crab meat. And now it's his favorite kind of pizza...), and thus after the craziness that is working at a store with only ten days before it closes, my dad and mom took me up to his place, and once I procured the bag and Mummy met Jesus, Ryter's pet lizard (Hey-ZOOS, not JEE-sus), we all went to Newick's to get some dinner.

It actually went very well; Daddy seems to be warming up to Ryter and there was a lot of sci-fi talk, and then we got into talking about the 60's (Quote from my father: "We started in this one English class reading all this hippie literature, and then moved into Marxist doctrine...") and stuff like that. Then I bought Ryter some fudge at the gift shop and he bought me a stuffed lobster and we dropped him off at his apartment before heading home.

Now, a warning-- below this line is me angrily emoting for quite some time, so feel free to not read it.

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The WHOLE way home, we were talking about Ryter; this was not my doing. It only started because my mom was wondering how anyone could afford to rent anymore if a studio apartment in Durham was $900. I pointed out that a) it's a very nice apartment and close to the school, b) his landlady is very lenient, and c) he's living alone, and most people starting out have roommates.

This diverged into why he doesn't have roommates, and it all went downhill from there.

The main thing in the conversation, though, was that Daddy's biggest problem with Ryter is one of the reasons that I love him so much-- he's very easy to read. He wears his emotions on his sleeve and I can tell exactly how he's feeling almost all the time, and he'll tell me why he's feeling that way. Thus, the fact that I have issues reading people's emotions isn't a problem, and I know when he's happy and relaxed and thus I can relax as well.

Daddy's problem with this-- "It's not a normal relationship, and it's not preparing you for future relationships where you WILL have to read people."

Uhm, excuse me?

I don't want a "normal" relationship, normal relationships are hard and one half is usually unhappy with the other, as far as I can tell. One of the reasons I love spending time with Ryter is that when I'm around him, I'm not constantly on edge or wondering what he's thinking about (it's usually aliens or paleontology), and I can actually relax and enjoy myself. I can feel safe in the relationship and not like I'm constantly wondering when he's going to dump me.

Guys who have "normal" relationships are usually jerks, and if they aren't jerks they're treated like shit by the girl, and if neither of them are jerks they never actually discuss or work out problems. I am happiest in my "abnormal" relationship, but my dad thinks it's something bad.

And then there's the bit about "preparing me for future relationships..." I do not consider this a training relationship. I'm not dating Ryter to learn or work on my people skills. I am dating him because I like to be with him. Will this be the only relationship I ever have? I don't know, I don't really think about it. If I have to, probably not. But I would never treat a guy like a "training boyfriend." This relationship has no obligation to prepare me for anything, and I'm actually really insulted that Daddy would think I am the kind of girl who would do that to a guy.

I mean, I've known those girls, and especially those guys, who have a first boyfriend or girlfriend so they can figure out the whole dating thing and then trade up. They're usually really bitchy and immature, and they wind up hurting that first significant other when they decide they've learned enough. I would never do that-- I date people because I like them, not because I think I'm not experienced enough and I want to learn the ins and outs of dealing with people.

And then there's the fact that Daddy is concerned that Ryter cares so much for me, and actually half-joked today, "So when you do break up with him, make sure you do it in a public place with your own ride home and you come straight home, lock the door, barricade yourself in your room and warn the police."

Because apparently I'm dating an ax murderer?

Honestly, I was so insulted and hurt by that one I really didn't know how to reply. How do you reply when your father tells you, even in a joking tone, that he's worried that your boyfriend would attack you if you ever broke up? I have NEVER been afraid of Ryter, not since the day I met him. Afraid he would dump me, yes, though he's good at allaying those fears. But afraid of him? Never. And yet every other week I'm desperately afraid that Daddy's gonna kill me for some little thing I screwed up. Of the two of them, Ryter and Daddy, I would honestly expect Daddy to hit me before Ryter did, and if you knew my father you would know how much that means.

(To be fair, I don't think Daddy dislikes Ryter as a person, I think he just doesn't like the dynamic of our relationship. Not that that's really all that much better. Oh, and my mom was asleep for most of this conversation, and didn't really say that much when she was awake.)

My parents come from a time when the lack of internet meant you didn't talk to your significant other every day unless you lived with them, so they see that Ryter and I talk all the time and they interpret it as "clingyness," despite the fact that I do it right back. They can't comprehend the idea that we might actually just genuinely like each other and trust each other and want to spend time together, because apparently, that's not a "normal" relationship.

So tell me-- why the hell would I WANT this elusive "normal" relationship???

And the Brother talks to his girlfriend every night he's home on the phone, not even the internet while doing other things-- WHY AREN'T THEY PESTERING HIM???

Curiousity

Have you ever had a question that you always thought you knew the answer to, but then when it come up in your life you start to second-guess the things you thought you understood?

On my bathroom wall we have random little sayings; one of them is, "A philosopher always knows what to do until it happens to them." I guess I'm a philosopher. (I also get advice from my bathroom wall. This is perhaps bad.) And now I have a question that I figured I knew the answer to, and suddenly I'm not so sure.

So I'm posing a question to whoever reads this blog, at least, whoever reads this and the question is applicable:

How did you know when you were in love?

My inner elbow is sticky and vaguely orange.

I donated blood today. The actual bleeding took half the time it was supposed to, which I thought was interesting. There are a couple of annoyances with giving blood, though. The first is the waiting. You spend more time waiting than actually donating. Then there's the questions.

"Have you ever been outside the country in the past three years? You need to remember every country, and the cities in that country, that you visited."
"Have you ever been to Africa or had sex with someone from Africa?" Because any connection to Africa and your blood is TARNISHED BEYOND REPAIR.
"Does any of your family have any of these diseases that you can't pronounce and have never heard of before?"
"Have you ever had sex with a man who has had sex with another man?" This is by far the most awkward question of the lot. Because while I can just say no, of course, it's like, uhm... what?

If you think about it, in this day and age that question's not even practical any more. I mean, the concern with having had sex with a man who has had sex with another man is that man-on-man tends to mean anal sex and anal sex is high-risk for HIV. That's why HIV initially spread primarily among gay men. But these days as many straight people are infected as homosexuals and as many women as men, and hetero couples have anal sex as well. Wouldn't the question be better phrased as "Have you ever had sex with a person who regularly engages in anal sex?" or "Have you ever engaged in anal sex?" It's not about being PC, it's just that it makes no sense to blame one group for a risky behavior when that risky behavior is practiced equally by all groups.

Then again, I don't think they ever take out screening questions from their list, they just add more on. And more and more and more...

Third problem-- afterwards I felt kind of drained (ha ha, no really) and weak, and thanks to a scheduling confusion with Alex and the car I wasn't able to eat before work, so I was sore and weak from both factors. I ate on my break but I was already feeling lousy.

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I got dinner at this Mexican semi-fast-food place and the girl behind the counter recognized me. She asked if I went to UNH. I said I did. She said, "Oh, I think I saw you there, when I was working..." It took me a few minutes before I realized she was the omelette girl at HoCo. Who I only ever saw at HoCo, where I almost never ate, while hundreds of other people came through there every day. And yet, she remembered me.

I was torn between "flattered" and "creeped out." It was a bit surreal.

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I realized something as I was straightening up at work today. I was looking for Christmas gifts. That's not really unusual, I did that at TJ Maxx, too, and the Discovery Channel store is going out of business and all so I figure I should get some shopping done before the end of the summer.

What was unusual is I was thinking about getting a gift for Ryter.

You know, it first struck me on Tuesday when I was talking to him about going to the Highland Games in the fall. I was never obvious about it, but you know, before Tuesday I'd never allowed myself to believe this would last longer than a couple weeks. I wasn't planning long-term. I've never planned long-term for relationships; I just assume that they'll end soon and prepare myself for it. That way I'm not concerned when they do.

So now I'm suddenly realizing that I am planning ahead, I'm expecting this to last a while, and it's kind of scaring me because I feel like I'm setting myself up for a fall. Like I'm afraid that now that I'm actually starting to feel safe in this it's going to end, and instead of just taking a deep breath and going back to bemoaning my singleness I'm going to really get hurt.

I'm trying to ignore that fear, though. I need to overcome this. It's just a matter of facing it.