Rough Day

I am my own person. I have a personality that is unique, and is no more influenced by others than anyone else's except in the fact that I am more open minded than many.

Why is this so hard to believe?

First, tonight, I was informed that I am gullible. Impressionable. Easily swayed by the will of others. I have no personality of my own, and I simply absorb the personalities of those around me. This will, inevitably, wind up with me becoming an apprentice to a serial killer, joining a cult, or killing myself when a man breaks up with me.

This was informed to me by my parents.

And then, when I sought validation that this was not the case from my significant other, I was informed that it was a "reasonable concern" on their part. In fact, said significant other in the past has expressed concerns about my lack of my own personality and the fact that I seem to simply become whatever those around me are.

I AM NOT GULLIBLE.

No, I don't have a unique fashion sense, so yes, I wear whatever people around me who I care about the opinion of tell me looks good. Want to know why? Because I DON'T CARE WHAT I LOOK LIKE, as long as I am not revealing too much for my personal comfort, I feel comfortable, and those around me consider me attractive. You know what else? I don't have a favorite color, really. I wear red because people tell me red looks good on me. So I say it's my favorite color because I wear it all the time. In truth, I don't give a shit what color I am wearing unless it is purple. I don't like purple.

So I'm not a fashion horse. I don't care if I express myself through my clothes. So what? I still want to look attractive, naturally, so I wear clothes that other people tell me look good. When I valued my mother's opinion on my appearance the most (read: no friends), I dressed as she wanted me to. When I valued my peers' opinion the most, I dressed as Vivacia wanted me to. Currently, the only person who I want to find me attractive is Ryter. So SURPRISE, I wear what Ryter says looks good. Do I have to have a fashion sense to be my own person?

And yeah, I listen to metal a lot now that I am dating him. I also still listen to country, and pop, and emo. Around him, I listen to metal most of the time because I don't want to subject him to music he doesn't like. I also listen to it on my own. Because he introduced me to metal. The truth is, I like music that has an effect on me. Metal has an effect on me emotionally. The music is emotional. For country and pop, the lyrics make me think, especially with story songs. For emo and some pop, I can't understand the lyrics anyway so I use it as background noise because it's not distracting. Different music serves different functions for me, just because I was introduced by someone in particular doesn't mean I am influenced by them, it means I share their taste in music.

My politics have always been my own. No influence there, at least not recently. Ryter and I disagree on McCain vs. Obama. He doesn't share the importance I put on sex education, science education, available and safe birth control and a reformed healthcare system. When it comes to politics, we have different priorities. I have different priorities from most people in my life.

And yes, I changed my career goal from "doctor" to "ecologist." Part of that was admittedly Ryter, in that I chose to become a doctor when I was convinced that no one would ever love me so it wouldn't matter that I wasn't going to be financially stable enough to have children until my eggs started to churn out clunkers. I have since realized that medicine is probably not the ideal career for me because I actually will be able to have children with a guy I love some day, and I'd like to do it before I am 30. In addition, it was pointed out to me that I don't handle stress well and I don't function well on very little sleep, and I'd like a career where stress on the job means a few weeks of studies get derailed instead of a person dies and then I lose my license because of malpractice.

Also, I hate willfully ignorant people. I'm not talking about people who have no access to education, that's not their fault and I can't hate them for that. I'm talking about people who are presented with evidence and ignore it or disparage it to fit their preconceived notions. I hate Creationists, and anti-vaccinationists, and HIV denialists. I hate anarchists and communists and fascists, and freegans and vegans (well, religious/moral vegans who don't try to pretend it's healthier or more natural are okay). I hate people who believe telling kids about birth control will make them have sex and people who believe kids who don't have sex education don't have sex. I hate people who think America has the best healthcare system in the world when that only applies to people who have good health insurance coverage, and everyone else gets screwed, resulting in our average life expectancy being lower than most developed nations (I will concede that for those with good insurance, it's probably the best you can get). I hate people who refuse to see reason under any circumstances because it contradicts what they want to believe.

This would not work well in medicine. I think I would stab a scapel into the heart of the first person I met who insisted vaccines were wrong while their toddler was in agony with pertussis. Not good for business.

This does not mean Ryter is controlling me. It means that I am learning who I am. Ryter doesn't care if a mother he doesn't know doesn't vaccinate their child. I do. It just happens that much of my self-discovery is coinciding with when I met Ryter.

I have a personality. I am both compassionate and passionate about causes I believe in. I am fiercely loyal to those who are loyal to me and I want to help everyone who cannot help themselves, and some who will not help themselves. I care intensely about the world around me and want to make a difference, and yet I know I am powerless in many ways, which disturbs me. I am silly and goofy at times, and angry at others. I am slow to warm up to people but will share anything once I am warmed up.

I like music that isn't rap, I like clothes that make me look beautiful to the man I love. I like dancing and singing, which I don't indulge in much for others' sake because I am not very good at either. I love to cook and love to see people appreciating food I have prepared for them. I love to learn about the medical world and read about the environment I would not do well in and yet can appreciate on an intellectual level. I like biological sciences and puzzles of biology and learning how the mind works. I like dark humor but not embarrassment humor, and I like good wordplay. I like technology and imagining the world of the future, I like anthropology and the history of human evolution, I like weird, rare languages and uncontacted peoples.

I like the outdoors. I like hiking and swimming and camping and skiing an riding horses on trail rides, but not in a ring. I like animals and plants and interesting fungi and stargazing and the process of forest decomposition and regrowth and encouraging life to grow on a petri dish, in a cage, in a garden, whatever. I like obscure and ugly animals and anything that lives it's life in the dark. I love viruses, as long as I don't have them.

I like to track diseases and find the patient zero and where they got it from, I like to rant about the way things should be versus the way they are versus the way they will be. I like drawing and sculpting and writing and attempting to recreate the images I see in my head for those around me, and for my own future reference. I like learning about religion and myth and why it exists and what it teaches us, and considering what my own beliefs are. And yes, I am a raunchy person and have my own likes and dislikes there too.

I don't like being around people that much, and I need a lot of down time to process everything around me. I don't like when people criticize my beliefs or try to correct me when I am not right or wrong, simply in disagreement. I don't like crowds or mosquitoes or taking pills every day, or unapplied math or sleeping in the heat or any time the air does not move. I don't like being interrupted, cut off, not allowed to finish a thought, not allowed to take a breath in conversation for fear of that being the case, or when people misinterpret my words, which happens often because I have a tendency to use words in a manner which is slightly unlike their normal use and not even realize it. I don't like roller coasters, horror movies, sudden movement in a quiet area or being touched by anyone I am not very comfortable with.

Not one of the above is influenced by Ryter, or anyone else for that matter.

I'm sorry, world, but I don't understand what the problem is. I don't see where I lack personality. I often change what ASPECTS of my personality I present to people, which is something I am actively attempting to change and which action I believe is what is leading people to believe I myself am changing. Well, no, I am not. I am simply showing you the real me instead of the custom-made-for-you me.

I can recognize when a person is attempting to control me and I will cut them out of my life as needed. I usually recognize it when they start to resent positive changes in my life and when they resent efforts on my part to reveal my true self to them. I can't really cut my parents out of my life yet. But I can still limit their exposure to me because they are a negative influence on my life. I know my parents want to control me, consciously or not, for a simple reason: They are resenting the changes in how much of me they see.

So please. Stop telling me that I have no personality of my own. I have one. I have likes and dislikes and values and priorities and they are all mine. I can recognize attempts to control me and circumvent them, except as regards my parents. No one's gonna talk me into smoking a joint, joining a cult, or eating human flesh and the fact that I have almost no friends outside Ryter has nothing to do with Ryter and everything to do with the fact that I am too shy to make friends or maintain a large social circle. I have almost always had one friend and built all other friendships off that, and right now, it's Ryter. Is it ideal? No. But it will not change any faster if I am living on or off campus, if I spend more or less time with him, or anything else. The only way that will change is if I can convince myself I care enough to change it. I don't care enough about it right now, I'm more concerned with school and my health and doing things I enjoy to change something which, while annoying, is not impacting my life except as a nagging "probably should get around to that" thought in the back of my head.

And if I am talking and talking and don't make sense, please, for the love of all that is good in this world, BE PATIENT. I have a point. But I don't think in words and phrases and I am trying to make connections between my brain and my mouth and convey how I am thinking, but if you interrupt me, you break my train of thought and then I can't finish it. I do have a point, I will get to it, but I do not have the communication skills needed to do so quickly. Please, just... be understanding.

Lack of Posts is Due to Plethora of Homework

So...

Bad news: I'm almost positive that I flunked my Biostats test yesterday. I got into the exam after studying ALL weekend and some last week too, and the first question required a regression formula and I completely blanked on it. Like, mind freeze. I knew I had known it the night before, I was just blanking. If that had been it I could have still done well on the rest, but then I proceeded to be completely unable to let it go-- my mind was racing through possible formulas it might be but drawing a blank and I started to freak out and the next thing I knew I was getting a panic attack. I managed to suppress it enough to do my best but my best under those conditions is probably not too fabulous... I think it was because I was stressed out about a lot of different things lately, so my breaking point was a bit closer than normal (More specifics later).

I'll talk to my therapist about it next time I go in (in two weeks, I was supposed to have a session yesterday but the day off screwed up the University schedule). Ryter suggested I get a note from Disability Services but I don't think there's much they can do to help one way or another, I mean, taking a class in another room will probably make it worse, and I don't need extra time. Too much hassle, not enough gain, and I honestly don't think my anxiety disorder counts as a real disability. Not at my level. And I don't think it will happen again.

The good news in all of that mess is I already talked to my professor and he said that he will drop my lowest test of the 4 so chances are it won't count. So that's sorted out.

---------------------------------------------------------

More good news: I also talked to my adviser today, and he said that I'm so far ahead in credits thanks to AP and all my honors classes last year that if I feel stressed with my current workload I might as well take only 3 classes next semester so I can focus on Calculus and Organic more. I'll still be ahead of where I need to be credit-wise (I'm like one credit shy of being a junior right now. Vivacia's still beating me, though, she's already a "junior"). I might take a seminar or something easy, too, but I thought I might do that to avoid a repeat of this semester. I don't think I could do this again, and I have the dreaded Calculus coming up.

---------------------------------------------------------

VERY good news: Talked to the dining office again. They said that they've had many students complain about that machine since I came in (I was just one of the first) and they're trying to get it fixed. The machine was putting other people's charges on my account if they went after me on the machine. They will sort out exactly what needs to be sorted out and will find a way to transfer the money back to us somehow. Good.

---------------------------------------------------------

I think I might be depressed. I mean, I think that's why I had a panic attack instead of just pushing by the problem. I'm having trouble focusing and trouble sleeping, and I feel lonely all the time unless I'm with Ryter or like, actually talking to Cellamica instead of just sitting in the same room as her. I crave someone to talk to all the time, but no one ever really wants to talk to me except Ryter, so I'm spending more time with him than I should. Vivacia's really busy, and injured, and possibly mad at me, so I can't really talk to her...

I'm kind of paranoid, too. Like I thought Ryter was mad at me over something little that was said the other day, and he had to reassure me that he wasn't; meanwhile I remain convinced that Vivacia's furious at me and just not telling me about it. I don't know, maybe she is, but it also could be that she's busy and hurt and having issues getting around. I can't tell, but my brain is defaulting on "mad at me." She did say more than ten words to me today via AIM so I was a little reassured that at least she's not like, ready to murder me if I come near her, but...

I feel disconnected, like I'm vibrating a little bit out of our plane of existence. The trouble is I know this will mean I will spend even more time with Ryter because he's the only one who ever has any free time or the patience to listen to me freak out. And then Mummy will be upset with me because she thinks we need to spend less time together... not to mention Vivacia, though I've pretty much flat-out told Ryter that if Vivacia has some free time, unless we either had tickets to something or were supposed to meet someone I'm going to cancel our plans and hang out with her. Perhaps because of the funk I'm in, perhaps because it's the truth, I've been feeling like a kind of crappy friend lately.

Then again, I've been feeling like a kind of crappy everything lately.

"The smart thing to do is to start trusting your intuition."

I didn't do anything today, really, except I found my purse. I wanted to go outside all day, but I couldn't think of anything to do out there, and every time I heard people outside my door my heart started to race and I couldn't leave the room. This was despite having to go to the bathroom-- I didn't want to have to walk past people, or see people.

I'm beginning to worry about my sociophobic tendencies. I mean, I thought I was supposed to be getting better with therapy... I was doing much better at the end of last semester, and I thought that was a sign that things were looking up for me. Now I sit alone in my room with the door closed for the whole goddamn day, because I don't have any friends to hang out with, because I have six people I consider my friends, of whom only two ever actively seek to spend time with me. One of those two is my roommate, and the other one knew me since kindergarten. I've managed to become a recluse when I'm living in a dorm. It's actually somewhat impressive.

I can't do the things I used to do to improve my spirits, like drawing or writing fiction, because I get too nervous when I hear people walk by and I can't focus on the subject matter. I can't get lost in my fantasy worlds like I've always needed to, in order to calm down and not have to think about real people and the constant judgment I perceive from them (yes, I know that it's just perceived and not real judgment, but I still have the emotional response to it despite my mental awareness of the truth). So instead I read online comics and browse Wikipedia entries. If I was living at home, I would at least be able to watch TV and totally block out reality for a while, but I don't even have that option here. I claim to be bored, but the truth is, there's lots of things I could be doing. Unfortunately, not one of them will alleviate the anxiety and resultant depression I feel. Most of them would make it markably worse.

I can't decide if I should give up and go back on medication or not. I know that if I report any of this to the counseling center they'll send me to talk with the psychiatrist and I'll be back on psychiatric medication. That fact depresses me as much as anything else in my life right now. I know I should take it if I need it but I don't want to need it, I've needed it for the entire time I was a teenager and I want it to be something I leave behind as I get older, something I outgrow like body glitter and waking up at 4 AM to catch a 7:30 bus.

But don't worry-- if I start to think about hurting myself in any way, I'll be at Schofield in an instant. Right now I have absolutely no desire to inflict harm on my body, so it's just a question of if my unhappiness is affecting my life enough that I need medication to function properly. I just want to be DONE with this crap.

I Am 44% Abnormal

I am at medium risk for being a psychopath. It is somewhat likely that I have no soul. I am at medium risk for having a borderline personality. It is somewhat likely that I am a chaotic mess. I am at medium risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is somewhat likely that I am in love with my own reflection. I am at high risk for having a social phobia. It is reasonably likely that I feel most comfortable in my mom's basement. I am at low risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is unlikely that I am addicted to hand sanitizer.

How Abnormal Are You?