On the plus side, I finally did my laundry after two and a half weeks....

I think I'm depressed.

I'm retreating into myself, constantly berating myself over my appearance, my actions, or my intelligence. I am struggling in Orgo, which isn't helping. I need to memorize chemical equations but I got behind and now I need to catch up. I got a 28% on the last quiz.

Of course it didn't help that I was a real idiot last weekend. See, Thursday was Valentine's Day, and I agreed to spend Thursday night with Ryter so we could have a really good Valentine's Day. I decided I really didn't want to lie to my professor and take a make up quiz, so instead, I studied for an hour before, went in for the quiz, and then went back to Ryter's. So I didn't get enough studying in and as a result, spectacular fail. It was dumb and I knew it was dumb and I did it anyway because I wanted to spend time with Ryter, and while I enjoyed that time, it was still a bad decision.

And I wound up staying there the whole weekend, because I had originally intended to go back Saturday night and study Sunday like usual, but Ryter's dad invited us out to sushi, and turning that down would be sacrilege. In retrospect I should have gone back Saturday and had him pick me up to go for sushi but my judgment seems to be impaired. Luckily I don't think that was too bad a problem.

The trouble is that I want to seek out my friends, who I feel like I haven't seen much of, and hang out with them; I want to go do things and hopefully have that help pull me out of my funk. But I'm so withdrawn right now that I don't do anything unless someone asks me; I can't seek people out or plan things on my own. Ryter invites me to come see him all the time; sometimes Cellamica invites me to dinner or Libentra asks me to grab lunch with her. But I really want to spend time with Vivacia, and with Mack, who's at UNH now (he finally transferred, and even got on-campus housing), and Closer, too. I want to be out there and doing things with them, because I feel like I'm losing or have lost them and I really don't want that, especially not with Vivacia. I bought her a little potted rose bush for Valentine's Day and left it at her door (she was out), but I think it might have upset her, because I forgot to leave a name (dumb) and she was concerned it was a creepy stalker or something, and then had to explain to her residents that no, she did not have a secret admirer who was going to make Closer jealous.

And I can't even reach out to her, or to anyone really, so I'm just kind of hoping she'll call me or IM me or something. I hate this state I get into. I'm perfectly amicable and normal when I'm with people (except Ryter, he's been getting dumped on a bit more than is fair lately), it's not like I'm being emo all the time, but at the same time, I can't seek it out, it has to come to me, and as a result I spend most of my time daydreaming and staring off into space or quietly sitting here and thinking about how stupid and useless I am.

Meanwhile my joints are hurting constantly, especially my bad knee, and I joined a gym which is showing me just how terribly out of shape I am plus isn't helping with the joint pain (it's not serious pain and I know when to stop, so it's not like I'm going to hurt myself).

I'm not at the level, yet, of needing medication again because I can still pay attention in class (even if I don't study enough) and I'm not doing anything that will really hurt me; I'm trying extra hard to take care of myself, in fact, because I'm hoping that if I get healthier I'll have a little more energy and get out of this. But still, it's kind of sucky. I need to push past it, but I feel like I'm Sisyphus right now.

Wish me well...

Gave up all hope of finishing the homework tonight.

I met Ryter's father today; we drove down in the rain to his condo and watched an episode of DS9 ("Trials and Tribble-ations," it's hilarious and very well-done special-effects wise) before heading over to Bluefin for dinner.

Now, when Shrewd and I get sushi, we order three rolls (that's like 24 pieces, for those of you who don't eat sushi), then split the bill. If we feel like splurging, we get vegetable tempura as an appetizer. The bill is usually about $30, including tea and tip.

Tonight? We got three appetizers, including octopus (I think I'm not going to eat that again, partially because I felt weird eating it, which indicates to me that octopi are a bit too intelligent for ingestion, and partially because it has the texture of moist eraser); then this huge platter of assorted sushi (I liked the eel), followed by a couple more plates of rolls and dessert. I didn't see the bill. But his dad did mime a heart attack after seeing it.

First time I was ever full after eating sushi, though.

His dad's really nice (and generous), and I saw a lot of similarities between the two of them-- even more than I expected. Wasn't awkward at all, which is more than I can say for when Ryter will eventually meet my dad.

I hope the Christians are wrong, or I am toast

Today was the trip to Mclean Hospital in Belmont to earn $275 by answering questions and giving a little bit of blood. It was... interesting. Shrewd went with me, since a gut instinct combined with years of experience was telling me that I'd get lost on my own. So at 8:30 this morning, we headed out, stopping for some breakfast on the way out of town. The drive was one hour long. My appointment was at 10:30. Dunkin' DOnuts does not take an hour to toast two bagels and make some hot cocoa and chai tea.

I blame Shrewd.

Anyway, we sat and talked in the car by this really pretty pond and laughed at the geese who landed on the ice and seemed rather startled that it was not water. We shouldn't have laughed, though, the poor geese are probably incredibly confused by the earlier warm weather that is just now turning chilly. Still... it was pretty funny. We watched bluebirds in the trees.

Shrewd dropped me off fifteen minutes early, as planned, since we figured might as well- we weren't doing anything productive. Then she went off to Brandeis, which is pretty close to the hospital, to check out her suite and, apparently, turn on the heat so there might actually be some heat when they get there on Sunday.

So I waited for fifteen minutes in the lobby at the Admissions entrance, and then I waited ten minutes in the lobby at the Admissions entrance, and then finally the interviewer came and got me and led me through the catacombs beneath this hospital to her office, which was a three minute's walk away, and honestly, I'm so glad she didn't have me meet her there because there is NO WAY that would have gone right.

The interviewing itself was long, yes, but it wasn't too bad. They asked a bunch of questions about my history with depression, and my family situation, and how I respond to situations; there was a lot on my personality and some on what I was like as a child/preteen/etc (Well, etc if I'd ever been anything but child, preteen, now). I didn't even cry when I was talking, which was nice for a change. Then they took two test tubes' worth of blood and I was free to go. Shrewd picked me up at 1:45 at the entrance she dropped me off at and we headed out to get sushi at this restaurant in Waltham. It was good sushi, if expensive. One person's lunch should never cost $18, period.

Then I went to work, which was pretty boring except I got two Star Cards, which basically means that they're acknowledging my mad retail skills. I got one because I've worked in every area of the store- Men/Kids/Toys, Women, Accessories, and Housewares. I got the other because of "excellent merchandising technique" which means I put the stuff on the shelves in pretty arrangements. I was quite proud. Most likely too much so.

Anyway... One thing I noticed at the interview was that when she was asking about my childhood... I sounded like such a horrible child. For starters, I was incredibly violent as a kid. I fought with my siblings all the time. And yet, I never fought with anyone besides my brother and sister. I was also a pathological liar, I skipped school by pretending I was sick so I could laze around in bed all day, and I stole books from teachers. Never anything else, just books. When I was eleven Mummy noticed that I had books from teachers and ordered me to gather them all up, so we could return them to the school at least, if not to the individuals to whom they belonged. I did, and put them all in a box- or rather several boxes, there were like 150 to 200 of them.

Honestly, I think I had hit six of the seven deadly sins before puberty. Wrath, certainly, with the fighting; greed with the theft; sloth with the staying home from school; gluttony- I never got happy meals because I always could eat the adult sized version, this is probably related to my current weight issues; envy of like, everyone, mostly my sister's intelligence; and pride in things that I probably shouldn't have been proud of, like my "singing ability" which I thought was fabulous despite the fact that I inherited my grandmother's sense of pitch- and she can't manage Happy Birthday.

For the slow students, the missing sin is Lust. Shrewd says this is good, since it means I'm not Freudian. I've covered that since puberty, though, and as an adult I'm pretty sure I only indulge in that and envy with enough regularity to go to hell for it. I'll probably go to hell for other reasons, though, like not being Christian...