On the plus side, I finally did my laundry after two and a half weeks....

I think I'm depressed.

I'm retreating into myself, constantly berating myself over my appearance, my actions, or my intelligence. I am struggling in Orgo, which isn't helping. I need to memorize chemical equations but I got behind and now I need to catch up. I got a 28% on the last quiz.

Of course it didn't help that I was a real idiot last weekend. See, Thursday was Valentine's Day, and I agreed to spend Thursday night with Ryter so we could have a really good Valentine's Day. I decided I really didn't want to lie to my professor and take a make up quiz, so instead, I studied for an hour before, went in for the quiz, and then went back to Ryter's. So I didn't get enough studying in and as a result, spectacular fail. It was dumb and I knew it was dumb and I did it anyway because I wanted to spend time with Ryter, and while I enjoyed that time, it was still a bad decision.

And I wound up staying there the whole weekend, because I had originally intended to go back Saturday night and study Sunday like usual, but Ryter's dad invited us out to sushi, and turning that down would be sacrilege. In retrospect I should have gone back Saturday and had him pick me up to go for sushi but my judgment seems to be impaired. Luckily I don't think that was too bad a problem.

The trouble is that I want to seek out my friends, who I feel like I haven't seen much of, and hang out with them; I want to go do things and hopefully have that help pull me out of my funk. But I'm so withdrawn right now that I don't do anything unless someone asks me; I can't seek people out or plan things on my own. Ryter invites me to come see him all the time; sometimes Cellamica invites me to dinner or Libentra asks me to grab lunch with her. But I really want to spend time with Vivacia, and with Mack, who's at UNH now (he finally transferred, and even got on-campus housing), and Closer, too. I want to be out there and doing things with them, because I feel like I'm losing or have lost them and I really don't want that, especially not with Vivacia. I bought her a little potted rose bush for Valentine's Day and left it at her door (she was out), but I think it might have upset her, because I forgot to leave a name (dumb) and she was concerned it was a creepy stalker or something, and then had to explain to her residents that no, she did not have a secret admirer who was going to make Closer jealous.

And I can't even reach out to her, or to anyone really, so I'm just kind of hoping she'll call me or IM me or something. I hate this state I get into. I'm perfectly amicable and normal when I'm with people (except Ryter, he's been getting dumped on a bit more than is fair lately), it's not like I'm being emo all the time, but at the same time, I can't seek it out, it has to come to me, and as a result I spend most of my time daydreaming and staring off into space or quietly sitting here and thinking about how stupid and useless I am.

Meanwhile my joints are hurting constantly, especially my bad knee, and I joined a gym which is showing me just how terribly out of shape I am plus isn't helping with the joint pain (it's not serious pain and I know when to stop, so it's not like I'm going to hurt myself).

I'm not at the level, yet, of needing medication again because I can still pay attention in class (even if I don't study enough) and I'm not doing anything that will really hurt me; I'm trying extra hard to take care of myself, in fact, because I'm hoping that if I get healthier I'll have a little more energy and get out of this. But still, it's kind of sucky. I need to push past it, but I feel like I'm Sisyphus right now.

Wish me well...

Try it yourself!

I took an online career quiz at Career Cruising (username: nycareers and password: landmark) called the Career Matchmaker, and now I'm posting my results for what my career should be.

Bold: I like this option
*: Something I would be interested in doing-- my interest level varies from one star (might make a good summer job, temp job or last choice) to five stars (I am currently actively pursuing this job). My commentary on the other options is included.

My results:

1.Taxidermist-- AHHHHHHH!!!!
2.Nurse Practitioner
3.Acupuncturist
4.Dental Assistant
5.Massage Therapist*
6.Nurse
7.Librarian-well, not as a career
8.Tour Guide
9.Sign Maker
10.Mental Health Nurse
11.Anthropologist
12.Podiatrist
13.Hairstylist
14.Family Practitioner*****
15.Esthetician
16.Physician Assistant****
17.Plastic Surgeon-- what is up with all the beauty things?
18.Surgeon
19.Doctor*****--This is what I actually intend to do, of course.
20.Dermatologist-not really but they do pay amazingly well
21.Obstetrician-Gynecologist*****
22.Furniture Finisher
23.Picture Framer
24.Activist
25.Bicycle Mechanic
26.Writer***
27.Print Journalist
28.Political Aide
29.Translator
30.Musical Instrument Builder and Repairer-- uh, what?
31.Tailor / Dressmaker
32.Chiropractor**
33.Surgical Technologist
34.Dispatcher--again, not as a full-time career
35.Library Technician--see previous
36.Market Research Analyst
37.Upholsterer-- right.
38.Critic
39.Dentist
40.Orthodontist

Then I added more criteria, to make it a bit more precise. The results were much better.

1.Physician Assistant****
2.Family Practitioner*****
3.Nurse Practitioner
4.Dermatologist - money and a good schedule, I guess.
5.Doctor*****
6.Obstetrician-Gynecologist*****
7.Massage Therapist*
8.Acupuncturist
9.Cartoonist / Comic Illustrator
10.Naturopath
11.Taxidermist - NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
12.Social Worker
13.Mental Health Nurse
14.Podiatrist
15.Neurologist**
16.Surgeon
17.Plastic Surgeon
18.Chiropractor**
19.Anesthesiologist
20.Medical Illustrator****
21.Esthetician
22.Veterinarian
23.Writer***
24.Illustrator
25.Psychiatrist
26.Genetic Counselor***
27.Graphic Designer
28.Animator
29.Gerontologist
30.Gunsmith
31.Tour Guide
32.Artist*
33.Community Worker
34.Industrial Designer
35.Religious Worker - riiiiiiight.
36.Psychologist
37.Nursing Assistant
38.Interior Designer
39.Addictions Counselor
40.Midwife**

It looks like I would be okay with the careers I prefer. Also, alternatively, art seems to come up a lot. What do you think-- would I look good in all black with a beret and a cigarette and weird jewelry, bone thin as I murmur about the sublime use of shape and pick paint out of my nails?

The bone thin is because there's no way I could make money at that...

"You Will Come To Realizations In Your Life That Change You Forever"

Do you have any idea how hard it is to contact your lab partners and apologize for flaking on them when all you have is one girl's first name-- no last name, no name at all for the other girl-- which you aren't even positive about, and the vague idea that one or the other lives in Scott Hall?

And when the girl whose name you might know is not on Facebook, which as how I solved this problem last semester (though admittedly then I knew the full name of my classmate)?

I find the fact that I was able to locate her email address and her phone number to be extremely impressive (and, quite honestly, creepy in the "how easy would it be to stalk someone?" sense). At least, I hope it's hers. I wasn't positive about the name and there are two girls by that name in that lab period, though the other girl is on Facebook and I can tell by her picture that it's not the one I'm looking for.

I am an idiot. But I am the MASTER of internet manipulation.

--------------------

Isoamyl acetate TOTALLY smells like banana!

I said it smelled like banana in Chem lab, when we were trying to tell what things smell like. But both the other girls smelled nail polish remover, so I let them have the majority. But turns out that the bottle next to the banana oil contained ethyl acetate-- the scent-producing chemical in nail polish remover-- so that's what they were smelling, and they totally thought that that one smelled like sweat when I was guessing something sharper and more acidic- like remover.

See, my nose is pretty damn strong. I also picked up on the similarities between the floral chypre scent of 2-methylundecanal and the spicy floral scent of linalool, and I didn't confuse "cigarette smoke" with "sweat and chocolate," either. Plus I could tell the difference between R-carvone, which smells like spearmint, and S-carvone, which smells like caraway. But the banana one was really bugging me, because I knew, so clearly, that I had smelled banana, and I couldn't understand why they thought it was nail polish remover.

---------------------

Daddy called me this morning to tell me, very excitedly, that he had recieved a notice from the school congratulating me on making highest honors. I reminded him that with a 3.91 GPA I'd've been stunned if I hadn't made them. Still, he was very excited, much more excited than I was about the whole affair. Getting straight As was a lot more exciting before I realized that Daddy will expect this next semester, and the semester after that-- and that if I maintain these grades though all of college, it basically means that I will continue to have no social life.

Great.

I Should Rule Saturn

Saturn is a mysterious planet that can rarely be seen with the naked eye. I'm perfect to rule Saturn because like its rings, I don't always follow the rules of nature. An abomination of nature, if you will. And like Saturn, to really be able to understand me, someone must delve beyond my appearance. Which, if you've been paying attention, is completely unnatural. I am not an easy person to befriend. Unless you actually like, tried. However, once I enter a friendship, I'll be a friend for life. Unless I get screwed over really, really badly. I think slowly but deeply. I only gain great understanding after a situation has past.

What Planet Should You Rule?