Rough Day

I am my own person. I have a personality that is unique, and is no more influenced by others than anyone else's except in the fact that I am more open minded than many.

Why is this so hard to believe?

First, tonight, I was informed that I am gullible. Impressionable. Easily swayed by the will of others. I have no personality of my own, and I simply absorb the personalities of those around me. This will, inevitably, wind up with me becoming an apprentice to a serial killer, joining a cult, or killing myself when a man breaks up with me.

This was informed to me by my parents.

And then, when I sought validation that this was not the case from my significant other, I was informed that it was a "reasonable concern" on their part. In fact, said significant other in the past has expressed concerns about my lack of my own personality and the fact that I seem to simply become whatever those around me are.

I AM NOT GULLIBLE.

No, I don't have a unique fashion sense, so yes, I wear whatever people around me who I care about the opinion of tell me looks good. Want to know why? Because I DON'T CARE WHAT I LOOK LIKE, as long as I am not revealing too much for my personal comfort, I feel comfortable, and those around me consider me attractive. You know what else? I don't have a favorite color, really. I wear red because people tell me red looks good on me. So I say it's my favorite color because I wear it all the time. In truth, I don't give a shit what color I am wearing unless it is purple. I don't like purple.

So I'm not a fashion horse. I don't care if I express myself through my clothes. So what? I still want to look attractive, naturally, so I wear clothes that other people tell me look good. When I valued my mother's opinion on my appearance the most (read: no friends), I dressed as she wanted me to. When I valued my peers' opinion the most, I dressed as Vivacia wanted me to. Currently, the only person who I want to find me attractive is Ryter. So SURPRISE, I wear what Ryter says looks good. Do I have to have a fashion sense to be my own person?

And yeah, I listen to metal a lot now that I am dating him. I also still listen to country, and pop, and emo. Around him, I listen to metal most of the time because I don't want to subject him to music he doesn't like. I also listen to it on my own. Because he introduced me to metal. The truth is, I like music that has an effect on me. Metal has an effect on me emotionally. The music is emotional. For country and pop, the lyrics make me think, especially with story songs. For emo and some pop, I can't understand the lyrics anyway so I use it as background noise because it's not distracting. Different music serves different functions for me, just because I was introduced by someone in particular doesn't mean I am influenced by them, it means I share their taste in music.

My politics have always been my own. No influence there, at least not recently. Ryter and I disagree on McCain vs. Obama. He doesn't share the importance I put on sex education, science education, available and safe birth control and a reformed healthcare system. When it comes to politics, we have different priorities. I have different priorities from most people in my life.

And yes, I changed my career goal from "doctor" to "ecologist." Part of that was admittedly Ryter, in that I chose to become a doctor when I was convinced that no one would ever love me so it wouldn't matter that I wasn't going to be financially stable enough to have children until my eggs started to churn out clunkers. I have since realized that medicine is probably not the ideal career for me because I actually will be able to have children with a guy I love some day, and I'd like to do it before I am 30. In addition, it was pointed out to me that I don't handle stress well and I don't function well on very little sleep, and I'd like a career where stress on the job means a few weeks of studies get derailed instead of a person dies and then I lose my license because of malpractice.

Also, I hate willfully ignorant people. I'm not talking about people who have no access to education, that's not their fault and I can't hate them for that. I'm talking about people who are presented with evidence and ignore it or disparage it to fit their preconceived notions. I hate Creationists, and anti-vaccinationists, and HIV denialists. I hate anarchists and communists and fascists, and freegans and vegans (well, religious/moral vegans who don't try to pretend it's healthier or more natural are okay). I hate people who believe telling kids about birth control will make them have sex and people who believe kids who don't have sex education don't have sex. I hate people who think America has the best healthcare system in the world when that only applies to people who have good health insurance coverage, and everyone else gets screwed, resulting in our average life expectancy being lower than most developed nations (I will concede that for those with good insurance, it's probably the best you can get). I hate people who refuse to see reason under any circumstances because it contradicts what they want to believe.

This would not work well in medicine. I think I would stab a scapel into the heart of the first person I met who insisted vaccines were wrong while their toddler was in agony with pertussis. Not good for business.

This does not mean Ryter is controlling me. It means that I am learning who I am. Ryter doesn't care if a mother he doesn't know doesn't vaccinate their child. I do. It just happens that much of my self-discovery is coinciding with when I met Ryter.

I have a personality. I am both compassionate and passionate about causes I believe in. I am fiercely loyal to those who are loyal to me and I want to help everyone who cannot help themselves, and some who will not help themselves. I care intensely about the world around me and want to make a difference, and yet I know I am powerless in many ways, which disturbs me. I am silly and goofy at times, and angry at others. I am slow to warm up to people but will share anything once I am warmed up.

I like music that isn't rap, I like clothes that make me look beautiful to the man I love. I like dancing and singing, which I don't indulge in much for others' sake because I am not very good at either. I love to cook and love to see people appreciating food I have prepared for them. I love to learn about the medical world and read about the environment I would not do well in and yet can appreciate on an intellectual level. I like biological sciences and puzzles of biology and learning how the mind works. I like dark humor but not embarrassment humor, and I like good wordplay. I like technology and imagining the world of the future, I like anthropology and the history of human evolution, I like weird, rare languages and uncontacted peoples.

I like the outdoors. I like hiking and swimming and camping and skiing an riding horses on trail rides, but not in a ring. I like animals and plants and interesting fungi and stargazing and the process of forest decomposition and regrowth and encouraging life to grow on a petri dish, in a cage, in a garden, whatever. I like obscure and ugly animals and anything that lives it's life in the dark. I love viruses, as long as I don't have them.

I like to track diseases and find the patient zero and where they got it from, I like to rant about the way things should be versus the way they are versus the way they will be. I like drawing and sculpting and writing and attempting to recreate the images I see in my head for those around me, and for my own future reference. I like learning about religion and myth and why it exists and what it teaches us, and considering what my own beliefs are. And yes, I am a raunchy person and have my own likes and dislikes there too.

I don't like being around people that much, and I need a lot of down time to process everything around me. I don't like when people criticize my beliefs or try to correct me when I am not right or wrong, simply in disagreement. I don't like crowds or mosquitoes or taking pills every day, or unapplied math or sleeping in the heat or any time the air does not move. I don't like being interrupted, cut off, not allowed to finish a thought, not allowed to take a breath in conversation for fear of that being the case, or when people misinterpret my words, which happens often because I have a tendency to use words in a manner which is slightly unlike their normal use and not even realize it. I don't like roller coasters, horror movies, sudden movement in a quiet area or being touched by anyone I am not very comfortable with.

Not one of the above is influenced by Ryter, or anyone else for that matter.

I'm sorry, world, but I don't understand what the problem is. I don't see where I lack personality. I often change what ASPECTS of my personality I present to people, which is something I am actively attempting to change and which action I believe is what is leading people to believe I myself am changing. Well, no, I am not. I am simply showing you the real me instead of the custom-made-for-you me.

I can recognize when a person is attempting to control me and I will cut them out of my life as needed. I usually recognize it when they start to resent positive changes in my life and when they resent efforts on my part to reveal my true self to them. I can't really cut my parents out of my life yet. But I can still limit their exposure to me because they are a negative influence on my life. I know my parents want to control me, consciously or not, for a simple reason: They are resenting the changes in how much of me they see.

So please. Stop telling me that I have no personality of my own. I have one. I have likes and dislikes and values and priorities and they are all mine. I can recognize attempts to control me and circumvent them, except as regards my parents. No one's gonna talk me into smoking a joint, joining a cult, or eating human flesh and the fact that I have almost no friends outside Ryter has nothing to do with Ryter and everything to do with the fact that I am too shy to make friends or maintain a large social circle. I have almost always had one friend and built all other friendships off that, and right now, it's Ryter. Is it ideal? No. But it will not change any faster if I am living on or off campus, if I spend more or less time with him, or anything else. The only way that will change is if I can convince myself I care enough to change it. I don't care enough about it right now, I'm more concerned with school and my health and doing things I enjoy to change something which, while annoying, is not impacting my life except as a nagging "probably should get around to that" thought in the back of my head.

And if I am talking and talking and don't make sense, please, for the love of all that is good in this world, BE PATIENT. I have a point. But I don't think in words and phrases and I am trying to make connections between my brain and my mouth and convey how I am thinking, but if you interrupt me, you break my train of thought and then I can't finish it. I do have a point, I will get to it, but I do not have the communication skills needed to do so quickly. Please, just... be understanding.

Just a cool little video for you...

Stolen from The Atheist Jew's blog, this is far and away the best video I have EVER seen to explain the origin of life according to biologists. As in, you don't need a course in biology to understand it.

When you cuddle with your cephalopods, it's probably time to stop drinking.

Today is the Lemuria, a day which sadly has nothing to do with lemurs, but a great deal to do with the Lemures, the spirits of the dead. They are allowed to wander the earth for three days from the ninth to the eleventh, and rites are performed in their honor. Also, Manes are offered beans in a house ritual-- Manes were like Lemures, spirits of the dead.

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To all you people who SWORE that Spidey wasn't emo:



Now hush.

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So today was pretty much entirely devoted to studying, with occasional breaks to frequent Fark and Snopes.com, which were distracting me, and also, this evening, to go to the pancake dinner at Philbook and eat French toast sticks just to be contrary.

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On the plus side, I can now tell you EXACTLY how humans arose from protist ancestors, with every step along the way, and I am better equipped to deal with creationist attacks than I ever thought possible. Basically at this point there's no argument against animal evolution a creationist could use that I can't counter-attack. Woot!

A girl in the health care seminar on Monday was complaining about how she had disliked Biology on account of it was all about plants and bacteria and animals, and how she wanted to go into medicine and just wanted to learn about humans and pathogens and stuff. The professor said that that's a common discovery pre-med students make-- that biology isn't all about people.

I was kind of dumbfounded at that. Who goes into biology to learn about humans and pathogens? I'll learn that shit in med school. I wanted to learn about everything else. I mean, yes. I wanted to get the required courses out of the way without worrying that they weren't helping my major, too. But I also wanted to learn about evolution and genetics and all those things. I want to understand the world around me, because I think that the more I know, the closer I am to understanding the universe, and understanding the universe is very spiritually important to me.

It makes me mad that a subject I love is also the stereotype of the "don't care about undergrad" premed student, that only wants to get into a good school. It means that I'll have to work twice as hard to get noticed by admissions officers.

Time to study some more before bed...

"Platypus Brings Armageddon!"

Today is the festival of Luna, goddess of the moon. Yeah, not much to say about that...

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I normally don't talk about my dates with Ryter. However, I'm more likely to do so if other people are involved in it. Like meeting his friend last night, and being awkward (Let me clarify something: Awkward as it was, I still had fun and liked meeting the kid. I can usually rise above the awkwardness). But I'm gonna talk about today, because... I was told to. And who can say no to a request like "Blog about me, baby"?

Today Ryter met Closer and Mistake. We just got together (I was NOT late, all evidence aside; they were EARLY), ate lunch at JP's, then wandered back and sat on a bunch of rocks by some trees over by the Upper Quad (It's prettier than it sounds, I promise), and listened to Closer play guitar. How did it go? No one died... there were no nuclear declarations involved... okay, I think it was fine.

The issue is as follows: Ryter and Mistake have pretty much nothing in common. All the interests I share with Mistake are the ones that Ryter doesn't have, and vice versa. I mean, I'm sure with enough time and effort they could find common ground-- Mistake likes some scifi stuff. But pretty much the closest they have to common ground would be discussing politics, and Closer can't discuss politics as, as has previously been mentioned, he zonks out. Between the four of us there was very little to discuss.

Ryter and I seem to have a conversation default when we run out of words: Zombie fights. Zombie Stalin versus Zombie Napoleon kind of thing. Problem: Mistake is mildly closer to normal, and doesn't like discussing the undead while consuming a sandwich. So much for that default.

But they didn't dislike each other. At least, Ryter didn't dislike them. I haven't talked to Mistake since then so I can't get her opinion.

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Anyway, after we went our separate ways Ryter and I went to this little beach to sit for a while and then to the mall, wandered for a bit, then went to Fridays. But not before we stopped at this ring store with a big bin-o-rings out front, complete with a watchclerk to prevent pocketers. I was looking for rings because I'm on a constant quest for some that will fit me besides the mood ring, which totally lost it's head the other day and I had to glue it back together AGAIN. Anyway, I was pawing through the silver and Ryter was goofing off, suggesting rings that he himself could get that were pretty much as girly as he could find... and Watchclerk totally took him seriously. And quite clearly seriously objected to the concept of a guy purchasing women's jewelry (to wear himself, that is). I think he would have denied us service.

It took me just long enough to realize what was going on that I was unable to rescue Ryter from the awkward cloud forming over us, so we fled, laughing uncontrollably. Laughter, you see, is the mortal enemy of the awkward cloud. Luckily it also is the natural response to it.

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Oh, and Ryter got a new DVD set that is frikkin' AWESOME, man. It's called The Future is Wild, which anyone who likes biology, evolution, computer animation or just stuff that looks cool should see. It's a miniseries, though, so we only covered what the world will look like in the next 5 million years and that took us several hours. Next up: 100 million years! Oh, and I want a pet spink. If only I had a time machine, I could go to the future and get an awesome pet. Yes, that's me-- build a time machine and use it to get futuristic animals...

"You have had a good start-- Work harder!"

Oh, man, Thursday was the start of one of my favorite series of Roman holidays and I totally missed it! Okay, so in order to understand these holidays you need to know about Attis. Luckily I have this lovely explanation that I wrote back in December: The Story of Attis.

Anyway. To honor Attis they had a festival, starting on the 22nd. On that day they cut down a tall pine tree and place an effigy of the god in it's branches. They brought it to the Temple of Cybele in a funeral procession and lay it down to rest like a body.

Then today, the Dies Sanguis, the pine tree and the effigy were buried in a tomb and there was a day of mourning, marked by fasting, sexual abstinence, self-flagellation (ow), and self mutilation (more ow). Then the High Priest, playing the part of Attis, cuts himself and offers it as a sacrifice. Initiates to the cult of Attis are baptized in the blood of a bull, then are brought into a state of ecstasy whereupon they castrate themselves.

Hmm... sounds mildly uncomfortable.

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Today was mostly devoted to studying and/or avoiding studying, mostly the latter. In this avoidance I was reading The Atheist Jew's blog, which gets a little preachy at times for me (yes, atheists can be preachy), but has some good lampooning of overzealous creationists, which is always fun.

I shouldn't say that, because Loquatia is totally going to the talk on Intelligent Design that is coming up fairly soon...

ID is strange. I used to think it was just saying that evolution happened and all just as science proves, but a higher power was driving it, which is what I believe. But then I learned about irreducible complexity and various other completely nonsensical parts of the argument and gave up on it.

Is it so hard to believe that science is true, but that there is also a god? An intelligent designer who is more of an artistic gardener than a sculptor or painter, who creates through making things grow over time rather than shaping them and then bestowing them with life? I think of the universe as God's bonsai tree. Start with a seed (a single atom), germinate the seed (make lots more atoms), nurture it and watch it grow and shape it as it does so so that the end result is what you were hoping for, or something just as good. Maybe I'm just reading the wrong things, but people always seem to think that evolution disproves the existence of a creator, because a creator isn't needed.

Science answers "How?" and religion answers "Why?". Two different questions. Why do people want to give them the same answer?

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

"Those who bring sunshine to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves."

In the year 9 BC, on this day, the shrine commissioned by the Roman emperor Augustus was dedicated to Pax, the goddess of peace. It was erected in Rome's Campus Martius (heh, irony) and consisted of a marble altar in a walled enclosure, with many beautiful sculptures representing scenes from Roman legends and the dedication ceremonies. It's still there, apparently, at least in part, and is considered to be among the finest examples of Roman art.

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So I've been reading up on Scientology, just out of morbid curiosity, and I have something to say:

XENU??? ALIENS??? HYDROGEN BOMBS IN VOLCANOES??? What the HELL? I mean, I know that the whole Xenu thing is a less important part of the church's doctrine and that Hubbard was drinking and popping painkillers when he wrote the whole Xenu story, but come ON. This is why sci-fi authors shouldn't be allowed to start religions!!!

I mean, honestly, who converts to Scientology knowing that these beliefs are part of the doctrine? Plus anyone with a modicum of science education can see big ol' holes all through their "scientific basis" for the faith. I mean, at least I can see where the Christians were coming from, even if I don't believe- their religion was founded when there was need for explanations. We didn't really need to refute the Big Bang theory in the 1960's by saying that Dark Lord Xenu killed a bunch of people by exploding a volcano with an atomic bomb and then stealing their souls to brainwash them.

The scientologists combine all the crazy dogma of a cult with the annoying proselytizing of the worst evangelical Christians. If, for example, the auditors didn't often use the counseling as a mere excuse to push teachings, there would be good in this faith, but too often everything just becomes a chance for the church to get more power.

And that business about silent births? Personally, I'd rather I had an imprint in my "reactive mind" of joy and celebration at my birth, noises of laughter and happy and relieved tears, than of silence and forced calm. I'm just saying.

All right, I'm shutting up now. At least about Scientology.

I took an online quiz- a reputable one, too- on religion that said I was closest in my beliefs to Reform Judaism (actually, it said I was 100% Reform Jew, but that's because it didn't ask the kind of questions that would have shown the difference). It's said this before, pretty much every time. Unfortunately, the same thing differs me from Reform Judaism as differs me from every other religion- I believe that every faith comes from the same divinity, and the variations in faith come from either God backtracking and trying to correct the failings of free will, or from human interpretation gone terribly wrong. I guarantee you won't find many a faith that says "Every religion comes from God, the same God, but anything you hear in any religion is tainted by mankind's interpretation- including this one."

Basically, I believe that we're all going to be a little wrong no matter what and learning the truth is a question of learning as much about religion as possible, and finding the things in common- because if something is a common truth in all religions, chances are it didn't come from man, but from God's original message. Like "thou shalt not kill-" you'd be hard pressed to find faiths that condone murder of human beings. Thus, we can pretty much assume that that's not been mucked around with too much in the translation.

I'm sorry I keep leaking my faith out into this blog. I just got to thinking about religion today because we were talking about the concept of special creation in biology class. The professor's talking about opposition to Darwinian theory and he kind of had to address it. He seems to relish debunking Creationism and ID, though.

Don't get me wrong, I believe in evolution. Completely. I think that's how God created us. Not my point. See, the professor has this way of speaking about it that doesn't just say "Creationism and ID are religious viewpoints that are completely contrary to evolutionary evidence and can't be scientifically proven," but rather, "Creationism and ID are idiotic, antiquated viewpoints that deserve to be thrown out completely in favor of scientific theories, and anyone who believes them is an uneducated fundie redneck." Oh, and he refers to the special creator (in most religions, God) in a tone that so obviously says that he's an atheist, and he's going to think less of someone who chooses the divine explanation.

I'm an evolutionist and I think that creationism shouldn't be taught in schools. At least not public ones. But honestly? I was kind of offended. He's being completely intolerant! Some people are in that class because it's required for their major, and they might really be a creationist or in favor of ID. Most of that class probably at least believes in a higher power of some sort. I know he needs to explain that Creationism is not a valid counter-theory to evolution, but he could do it a little more tactfully. I never thought I'd be offended by pro-evolution comments.

My high school biology teacher had a good way of dealing with it. She said, "In this class I'll be teaching evolution. If you believe in creationism, that's your choice. I'm not asking you to believe in evolution, I'm asking you to understand the concept and it's importance to what we believe we now know about biology. If you feel concerned about something, bring it up with your religious leader and they should set you straight in regards to your faith-- I'm teaching what scientists believe."

I don't know. Maybe I'm being too sensitive about the whole thing-- I mean, you really can't understand modern biology if you don't believe in at least some parts of evolutionary theory. But he's got a bunch of freshmen, a good chunk of whom probably came from small towns that feared lawsuits and taught really crappy science, and he's asking them to completely flip everything they know on it's head, stop believing in what they've been told all their life, and do what he says, and he doesn't even have the decency to refer to their religious doctrine without scorn in his voice.

The least he could do is quit talking like God is a concept we should have given up with the Abominable Snowman and the Tooth Fairy.

Oh, and if you're curious, here's Penn&Teller's Bullshit on creationism in our schools: parts one, two, and three. Be warned, though, while they're interesting, they mock creation science at times. Then again, they're a show aimed at people who believe in evolution. If you want creationism or ID to be taught in public high schools, it's officially required reading.